Happy new year.
It is 2020.
Can you believe that?
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
You're the best audience I've had all year.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
I had to think about it, but when I thought about it,
you are.
[LAUGHTER]
We actually are--
I'll let you in on a little secret at home.
We're taping this show before New Year's, but it's airing
after New Year's.
So we'll talk about the Golden Globes, which was so fun.
That was yesterday, but today is this day.
So we'll talk about the Golden Globes tomorrow.
And what a night it was.
But it hasn't happened yet, but it
will have happened by the time we tape tomorrow's show.
[LAUGHTER]
Is everyone confused?
Yes!
That's my job.
[LAUGHTER]
A lot of people make resolutions for the new year.
How many of you already made the resolutions for the new year?
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Most of you.
It's hard to keep the resolutions,
but luckily, one of my New Year's resolutions
is to help you keep your resolutions.
So I am going to randomly call names that I was curious
about to talk to.
Zeel.
Who is Zeel?
And come on down here.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Hi!
Hi.
Hello, Zeel.
Hello, Ellen.
How are you?
I'm well.
How are You?
You want to hold the microphone?
Yes.
OK, wonderful.
What is your New Year's resolution, Zeel?
I want to be able to run half a marathon by the end of 2020.
Oh, well that's a good goal.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
And do you run now?
I do.
OK.
But rarely.
[LAUGHTER]
OK.
How long have you been running rarely?
Twice a week.
For how long now?
For about a year.
A year?
Yeah.
Twice a week.
And what's the furthest you've gone?
3 miles.
OK.
So over the course of a year, you
haven't built up a little more than three miles?
[LAUGHTER]
That's the furthest I've gone.
OK, so the goal is a half marathon.
And when is that happening?
By May 2020, hopefully.
OK.
If not, I'll try again by December.
No, no.
You have to stick to something or else
you're going to keep pushing it off.
You're right.
No, you have to-- is there a half marathon happening in May?
Yes.
OK, well then that's your goal, right?
You're right.
You don't want to push it off.
You can go, "Oh, I can do it another year.
The whole point is to build yourself up."
Yeah.
Do you ever run on a treadmill?
Or what do you do?
Treadmill.
Mm-hmm.
OK, good.
All right.
Well, I don't think you're going to make.
It I feel like--
[LAUGHTER]
I don't feel the enthusiasm.
I know that you want to, but I want to--
you want to do it, right?
Yeah, absolutely.
All right, well I'm going to give you
some clothes that we sell here in The Ellen Shop and online--
Ellen Fitwear, and it'll inspire you.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
OK?
Thank you.
And some stuff.
And we're just-- whatever size that is, it's yours.
[LAUGHTER]
Give me my mic back.
[LAUGHTER]
I thought you were offering it to me.
No, you can't have this.
This will not help you at all.
[LAUGHTER]
All right.
And you can lunge back to your seat now.
I'll try.
All right?
Oh!
Give me my mic back.
[LAUGHTER]
Thank you.
Lunge.
You have to lunge back.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Nicole Reiley.
Where is Nicole Reiley?
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Hello, Nicole.
Hi, Ellen.
How are you?
I'm great.
How are you?
Stand as far away from me as possible.
I know, I'm sorry.
Can I give you a hug?
Yeah, you can hug me.
Yes.
Hi.
Oh, my gosh.
OK.
Hi, Nicole.
Hi.
OK.
What is your-- come here!
I think I'm too close to you.
No, see that-- no.
This would be too close.
OK.
That would be--
I don't mind.
This isn't.
OK, where do you live?
What do you do?
I live in Laguna Niguel, California,
and work for a housing relocation company.
OK.
And what is your resolution?
My New Year's resolution is just to read more in my free time.
Oh, good.
Because you don't read right now?
[LAUGHTER]
No, not really.
[LAUGHTER]
No reading whatsoever.
You want to read a book?
Or what do you want to read?
I want to actually complete a novel.
One novel?
What's the last thing you read?
I can't even tell you.
Something early years of college.
OK.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Green Eggs and Ham, maybe?
Green Eggs and Ham, yes.
All right.
So you want to read a novel?
Yes.
Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey?
[LAUGHTER]
I've seen the movies.
Yeah.
See, again, you wait and you just see the movies,
but you didn't read the book?
No.
Andy Zenor?
All right.
Thank you.
Here.
Oh.
Read that.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Just this part?
Yeah, that goes too.
[LAUGHS]
"Before I know it, he's got both of my hands
in his vise-like grip above my head,
and he's pinning me to the wall using his lips.
His other hand grabs my hair and yanks down, bringing my face up
and his lips are on mine.
My tongue tentatively strokes his and joins his
in a slow, erotic dance."
Yeah.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Isn't that fun?
It's great.
Yeah.
See?
I think that makes all of us want to read more.
[LAUGHTER]
That's great.
Well, I've written some books.
I'm going to give you my book.
So you can start with mine, and then--
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Take my microphone.
Thank you.
All right, Nicole.
Thank you so much.
All right.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Put that back in my dressing room.
[LAUGHTER]
Where is Destiny?
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Hi, Destiny.
Can I give you a hug?
Yes.
Hi, Destiny.
How are you?
I'm good.
How are you?
Good.
Do you feel like it was your destiny to be here with me?
Yeah, I do.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, boy.
I get it a lot.
All right.
I get it a lot.
I know you do.
That's why I did it.
[LAUGHTER]
All right.
And what is your resolution?
To spend less money at Target for my husband's sake.
Oh.
It's not even for me.
No, you're doing it for his sake.
I am.
He thinks you spend too much money.
Yeah.
OK, it's really rude.
How often do you go to Target?
Like four or five times a week.
It's a lot.
I know.
Yeah.
I know.
[LAUGHS]
What do--
I forget things each time, and then I
accumulate more every time I go.
I doubt that.
[LAUGHTER]
What are you buying there?
What do you go and buy?
Clothes.
You forget that you bought clothes.
Shoes, diapers.
Well, diapers are important, right?
Yeah.
But clothes, that's something that you can probably stop--
Food.
Food, milk.
Yeah, food, milk.
Yeah, OK.
[LAUGHTER]
All right.
[LAUGHS]
You're just all of a sudden thinking of things to tell me.
Food and milk.
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
I've got one milk.
I buy milk.
All right.
So you want to stop spending less money,
stop going to Target.
But I can't help you with that.
You're going to have to do that on your own.
But I can help you stop spending your own money.
So I'll give you a Target gift card.
Thank you!
So it feels less--
Thank you.
I'm enabling you.
Thank you.
Well, even better.
All right.
Thank you so much, Destiny.
All right.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
And Hannah Johnson, come down and talk to me.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Hello, Hannah.
How are you?
Good.
How are you?
Good.
Good to see you.
You too.
It's been a long time.
[LAUGHTER]
Where do you live?
What you do?
I'm from Grand Rapids, Michigan, and I'm a nurse.
Oh, a nurse.
Wonderful.
Thank you for what you do.
Thank you.
All right.
What is your resolution?
To not get pregnant for the third year in a row.
OK.
[LAUGHTER]
So you've been trying for three years not to get pregnant.
Yeah, we've failed the last two, so I
feel like 2020 is our year.
Wait, wait.
Do you not have children?
Or do you have children?
I do have children.
Oh, you do.
This is number two.
But I'm sorry--
[LAUGHTER]
The resolution is to not get pregnant--
Right.
Next year?
Right.
OK, because this is number two.
Every year you've had a baby.
A baby.
I see.
I thought that you haven't had a baby,
and you want to continue not having a baby.
Nope, we have two.
We have failed.
Yeah.
Well, this will be three?
Two.
This will be two.
All right.
When are you due?
February 29.
OK.
Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?
No, we're not finding out.
OK.
What's the other one?
A girl-- baby girl Charlotte.
OK, this is a boy.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm psychic like that.
I'm telling you.
What names do you have picked out?
We don't.
We haven't picked out any names.
OK.
Billy.
OK.
[LAUGHTER]
That's a cute name, right?
Billy?
That is a cute name.
I like that.
William?
No, Billy.
Just Billy.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, just Billy.
OK.
So you don't want to get pregnant?
No.
OK.
[SIGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
I mean, I obviously--
you know what to do to not get pregnant.
[LAUGHTER]
Got to talk to my husband.
Right.
Well, you should-- no, you talk to your husband.
I'm not going to talk to your husband.
But don't read Fifty Shades of Grey.
OK.
Don't do that.
[LAUGHTER]
Don't read.
But you can run constantly so you're running away,
and then he can't catch you.
OK.
So that's partly what Zeel is doing.
[LAUGHTER]
Although she's not going to do it.
[LAUGHTER]
Here's what I can do.
I can give you--
you can go to CVS because they have things.
OK.
Right?
You know what I mean?
Condoms.
Thank you.
Things like that.
Or if the condoms don't work, and you actually have a baby.
You can wrap the baby, you can swaddle it
in a CVS gift receipt.
OK.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah.
They're long.
Good idea.
Yeah.
They're not sturdy, so don't try to hold it with that.
But that's what you can do.
Good idea.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Thank you.
You know what?
Our Mother's Day show is May, so maybe we'll
have you come back since you have babies.
Oh, my God.
And this will be-- you're not a first-time mother technically.
It feels like it though.
Yeah.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Come back for our Mother's Day show.
All right.
Thanks, Ellen.
I hope that helps.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
And now--