WELCOME, ONE AND ALL.
HELLO, LOUIS. WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN LATE SHOW." COLBERT.
( APPLAUSE )
STOLEN NUCLEAR SECRETS AT HIS THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAD COUNTRY
CLUB! BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT
AMONG THE CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS SEIZED BY THE F.B.I. AT
MAR-A-LAGO WAS MATERIAL ON A FOREIGN NATION'S NUCLEAR
CAPABILITIES. SO THIS TIME, THE EX-PRESIDENT
WASN'T JUST BETRAYING OUR COUNTRY.
HE BROUGHT IN ANOTHER COUNTRY FOR A MENAGE-A-TREASON.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: SHE'S NOT INTO IT. HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS TO OUR
ALLIES?
YOUR COUNTRY'S NUCLEAR SECRETS ARE PERFECTLY SAFELY STORED AT
THE MAR-A-LAGO WAFFLE BAR BETWEEN THE SYRUP AND THE
NUTELLA BUCKET." MMMM.
THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR A I'D GO FOR A WAFFLE. WAFFLE
( APPLAUSE )
SO TOP SECRET, THE PRESIDENT HIMSELF HAS TO DECLASSIFY THEM
SO OTHER PEOPLE CAN SEE THEM. EVEN OUR SENIOR NATIONAL
SECURITY OFFICIALS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SEE THEM WITHOUT
AND THE FACT THAT HE HAD THEM SPECIFIC PERMISSION. IS
COMPLETELY INDEFENSIBLE, SO THE PEOPLE TRYING TO DEFEND HIM ARE
INSTEAD FOCUSING ON THE EVIDENCE PICTURE THE F.B.I. TOOK OF THEM
ON THEM ON THE CARPET, LIKE THE EX-PRESIDENT'S SON, ERIC TRUMP:
>> I CAN TELL YOU MY FATHER IS A VERY, VERY NEAT GUY.
HE DOESN'T LEAVE DOCUMENTS STAGED ALL OVER AN OFFICE FLOOR
>> Stephen: "MU DAD--
THIS IS IMPORTANT. THIS IS IMPORTANT.
QUIET, Y'ALL, LISTEN UP! MY DAD DOESN'T LEAVE DOCUMENTS
ALL OVER THE FLOOR. HIS CRIME IS 'ORGANIZED!'
WHAT? WHAT DID I SAY?
( APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE NO ONE IS LISTENING."
PRESIDENT, WE'VE GOT SOME NEWS INVOLVING THE FORMER OUT OF
GEORGIA, WHERE BACK IN EARLY 2021, VOTING SYSTEMS WERE
NOW WE KNOW THAT HAPPENED ON BREACHED. THE
ELECTION-DENYING MAGA GOONS SAME DAY A BUNCH OF WERE
SHEPHERDED INTO THE BUILDING BY FORMER COFFEE COUNTY G.O.P.
CHAIRWOMAN AND LADY WHO HANDED HER STYLIST A PICTURE OF A
Q-TIP, CATHY LATHAM.
INVESTIGATION FOR POSING AS A FAKE ELECTOR BACK IN 2020.
AND IN NEWLY REVEALED VIDEO, SHE CAN BE SEEN ESCORTING THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S TEAM INTO THE ELECTIONS OFFICE, THEN CHECKING
HER SURROUNDINGS, AND THEN LETTING MORE PEOPLE IN.
REALLY LOOKS LIKE CATHY IS HELPING THE FORMER PRESIDENT
MESS WITH THE ELECTION, AND SHE EVIDENTLY KNOWS IT.
IN FACT, WHEN ASKED DURING A RECENT DEPOSITION WHETHER SHE
KNEW OR EVER HAD ANY COMMUNICATION WITH GIULIANI,
LATHAM ASSERTED HER FIFTH AMENDMENT RIGHTS.
NOW, I KNOW THAT SOUNDS BAD. BUT TO BE FAIR, WHAT WOMAN WANTS
TO ADMIT THEY KNOW RUDY GIULIANI?
( APPLAUSE )
LIKE INSURRECTIONIST AND INJURY ATTORNEY FOR RACEHORSES, COUY
GRIFFIN. "SHOULD YOU OR A LOVED ONE BE
TURNED INTO GLUE? SOME SAY YES.
I SAY 'NEIGH.'"
INJURY. IN ADDITION TO STORMING THE
FOUNDER OF COWBOYS FOR THE CAPITOL, GRIFFIN IS THE FORMER
PRESIDENT. I JUST HOPE NO ONE TELLS THOSE
COWBOYS WHERE THEIR ROOTIN' TOOTIN' HERO IS FROM.
WHERE IS THAT AGAIN? >> NEW YORK CITY?!
WORKS FOR THE GOVERNMENT HE
TRYING TO OVERTHROW, SERVING AS A NEW MEXICO COUNTY COMMISSIONER
FROM 2019 UP UNTIL LUNCHTIME YESTERDAY.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN A JUDGE ORDERED THAT COUY GRIFFIN BE
REMOVED FROM OFFICE FOR HIS ROLE IN THE CAPITOL RIOT--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AMENDMENT: "NO PERSON SHALL HOLD ANY
HAVING PREVIOUSLY TAKEN AN OFFICE, WHO, OFFICE WHO, OATH TO
SUPPORT THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES, SHALL HAVE
ENGAGED IN HAVING PREVIOUSLY TAKEN AN OATH TO SUPPORT
INSURRECTION OR REBELLION." OF COURSE, GRIFFIN OFFERED A LOT
PARTICIPATION IN JANUARY 6th, OF EXCUSES FOR HIS BUT THE JUDGE
WASN'T BUYING IT, WRITING, "HIS PROTESTATIONS AND HIS
CHARACTERIZATIONS OF HIS ACTIONS AND THE EVENTS OF JANUARY 6,
2021, ARE NOT CREDIBLE AND AMOUNTED TO NOTHING MORE THAN
ATTEMPTING TO PUT LIPSTICK ON A PIG."
( APPLAUSE )
BUT A COWBOY DOES GET PRETTY LONESOME OUT ON THE RANGE.
( LAUGHTER )
IT HAPPENS. WE'RE ALL ADULTS.
JUSTICE IS ALSO COMING FOR FORMER PRESIDENTIAL ADVISOR AN
( BOOING ) HOBO HIMMLER, STEVE BANNON.
BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY, STEVE BANNON FACES STATE INDICTMENT IN
NEW YORK. ♪ START SPREADIN' THE NEWS,
STEVE'S GOING AWAY ♪ HE WANTS TO BE A PART OF IT,
IN CELLBLOCK A ♪
( APPLAUSE )
ME. AND I'M TOLD WE HAVE SOME
MOMENT MR. BANNON GOT THE BAD EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE OF THE NEWS.
( SCREAMING )
THAT FOOT ANNUAL. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THAT'S HOW GOOD WE ARE. DETAILS ARE SPARSE, BUT SOURCES
SAY IT IS RELATED TO A FEDERAL INVESTIGATION OF BANNON'S
NON-PROFIT DEDICATED TO PRIVATELY CONSTRUCTING THE
FORMER PRESIDENT'S BORDER WALL CALLED "WE BUILD THE WALL."
SPOILER ALERT: NO, THEY DON'T. SO WHY IS THIS IN STATE COURT?
WELL, THE FORMER PRESIDENT PARDONED BANNON BEFORE FEDERAL
PROSECUTORS COULD BRING THE CASE TO TRIAL.
BUT PRESIDENTIAL PARDONS ONLY APPLY TO FEDERAL CHARGES AND
CANNOT PROHIBIT STATE PROSECUTIONS.
GOTCHA, STEVE. FOCHA!
YEAH, YEAH.
NOW, BEE-OTCH?
FOLKS-- I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY FOR THE LANGUAGE.
ANOTHER FORMER PRESIDENT WAS I KNOW YOU ARE NICE PEOPLE. IN
THE NEWS TODAY. BARACK OBAMA.
( APPLAUSE )
BARACK AND MICHELLE RETURNED TO 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE TO JOIN
PRESIDENT BIDEN TO UNVEIL THEIR OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE PORTRAITS.
USUALLY THIS UNVEILING HAPPENS SOON AFTER THE PRESIDENT LEAVES
OFFICE, BUT... THE LAST GUY.
SO INSTEAD THEY DID IT TODAY. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE FORMER
FIRST LADY'S PORTRAIT, BY SHARON SPRUNG:
LOOK AT THAT.
BEAUTIFUL, ELEGANT, JUST LIKE MICHELLE OBAMA.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT HER HUSBAND'S PORTRAIT BY ROBERT
McCURDY.
THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT THAT'S PHOTO-REALISTIC.
THAT IS A LOT OF WHITE SPACE. JIMMY, CAN WE SEE THAT AGAIN?
OKAY, WIDEN OUT. YEAH!
THERE YOU GO. HE'S IN INSURANCE HEAVEN WITH
FLO. OKAY.
AFTERWARDS, FORMER PRESIDENT OBAMA HAD KIND WORDS FOR OUR
>> SOMEONE ONCE SAID, IF YOU CURRENT PRESIDENT. ARE
LOOKING FOR A FRIEND IN WASHINGTON, GET A DOG.
OUR FAMILY WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE TWO WONDERFUL DOGS.
BUT I WAS EVEN LUCKIER TO HAVE A CHANCE TO SPEND EIGHT YEARS
WORKING DAY AND NIGHT WITH A MAN WHO BECAME A TRUE PARTNER AND A
TRUE FRIEND. >> Stephen: NOW, IT MAY SOUND
LIKE HE JUST COMPARED JOE BIDEN TO HIS DOGS.
BUT, TO BE FAIR, JOE DOES OCCASIONALLY BITE.
( LAUGHTER )
>> I WANT TO THANK SHARON PORTRAIT. SPRUNG
FOR CAPTURING EVERYTHING I LOVE ABOUT MICHELLE.
HER GRACE, INTELLIGENCE, AND THE THAT FACT THAT SHE IS FINE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS THE MOST ENDEARING COMPLIMENT FROM A
SINCE HARRY TRUMAN GAVE BESS PRESIDENT TO A FIRST LADY THAT "HOT
MAMA" HAT.
TONIGHT! MY GUESTS ARE "CBS MORNINGS'"
GAYLE KING AND TONY DOKOUPIL, AND "GLOW" STAR BETTY GILPIN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
JOIN US. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )