Hi, everyone, my name is Viwe Dweba and I'm a clinical psychologist here
at The Couch practice of psychology and psychiatry.
And today I want to talk to you guys a little bit about relationships.
You know, when we think about
relationships, we often think about them in terms of the other.
So looking for red flags in your partner's problematic behaviors?
In in our prospective partners,
we could sit on Google for hours upon hours researching fifteen signs.
She's a narcissist or 12 red flags I should watch out for.
Before the first date.
But how often do we actually turn
that that kind of analytical eye on to ourselves?
How often do we ask ourselves the hard
questions about what am I bringing to my relationships?
What if it's me who has some of these unhealthy behaviors?
How do I know what they look like today?
I want us to do a little bit of that introspection.
I want us to really challenge ourselves, to look inward and think about ourselves
and think about what it is that we bring to our relationships.
But I also want to kind of emphasize
the fact that it's so important to look at ourselves with compassion
that we often speak about toxic behaviors without having compassion for, you know,
the little version of you who needed to develop those
unhealthy behaviors to survive situations that at the time felt so much bigger than
you because you were just a child, because, of course, how we function in our
relationships has to do with the quality of our attachment.
So I want us to actually just while introspecting, also think about ourselves
with compassion and kindness for little you who had to survive in a situation that
didn't feel good at the time, and to rather think about it
from the perspective of self acceptance and what can I do better?
How can I improve my relationships so that they can be more fulfilling and they
can be healthier for both me and the other person who's in the relationship.
So we're talking relationships and specifically romantic relationships.
The first thing I want to talk about is the need to control my partner.
Now, this can appear in very subtle ways.
You know, it can appear as very subtle
manipulation, such as not being able to take no for an answer.
So my partner might say no,
but I'm always trying to change their mind in subtle ways.
It can also appear in me
saying a lot of if then statements.
So things like if you don't do
what I want you to do, then it must mean that you don't care about me.
If you don't agree with me, then it must mean that you don't respect my opinion.
Now, when we think about this, where does the need to control come from?
The need to control usually comes from a place of fear.
So it's important to think about what is underlying this need to control.
Is it about a fear that I have that if I
allow my partner to have their own mind and allow them the room to have their own
life, that they might leave me? Is there a fear that if I allow
enough room in my relationship that my partner will figure out that
I'm unworthy of love and so will then leave me? So it's important to think about
what what does that need to control and what does it actually mean for you?
The second thing is a constant need for reassurance from your partner.
Now, there is a difference between enjoying a compliment from your partner
every now and then regarding what you're wearing, how your hair looks that day
or whatever it is.
But that is very different to needing to hear that every single day
and needing to hear that before you make any kind of move.
For instance, my partner has to say I look
beautiful in this outfit before I leave the house.
Otherwise, I'm going to feel ugly.
Now, that kind of need is very heavy
on our relationship and it's important to think about where where might come from.
And there's a good chance that if I'm in constant need of reassurance
from my partner that I am looking for the relationship
to do for me something that I should be doing for myself internally.
So it's important to think way it ways my self-esteem act.
Why do I need all this external validation?
Because also a relationship is likely
to buckle under the weight of that kind of need.
The last thing I want to mention is criticism now.
Often we don't see criticism as
that because it often presents itself under the guise of, well,
I just want my partner to be the best version of themselves that they can be
forgetting that that is not for us to determine.
That is for a person to experience and to become
at their own pace, in their own way and to walk their own path.
This can present itself, as you know, me,
always noticing what my partner has done wrong in my eyes and really kind
of skating over the things that they've done right.
It can also present themselves as present itself.
I mean, as me always noticing and commenting
on the fact that my partner perhaps should be further in life,
according to my opinion, further in life, be doing more with their lives for their
age or whatever it is that that might be for you.
But what that is,
is you actually prescribing something that you think your partner should be
and criticizing them because they are not what you want them to be.
And a relationship really will struggle
under that, because what's gonna happen is
that my partner is really not going to feel good around me.
A lot of the time they'll feel criticized and picked apart and evaluated,
which can really break down the quality and strength of a connection.
Because what it does is it is it also
compromises the feeling of safety and acceptance in the relationship.
Hope these three things that we briefly touched on have been helpful in terms
of thinking what it is that we are bringing to our relationships.
I hope that you guys have taken a little
time to think about yourselves and do some really important introspection around
yourself and how and your ways of relating in relationships.
I trust that everyone is staying safe
at home, is keeping safe and taking care of themselves and giving
themselves all the love that they need and all the care that they need
during this really difficult time that our country is going through.
I hope everyone stay safe.