>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOLKS, YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST FROM "THE
OFFICE REQUESTING AND" EXTRAS "AND NOW ON HIS FIRST STANDUP
TOUR IN SEVEN YEARS, PLEASE WELCOME RICKY GERVAIS.
(APPLAUSE)
♪ >> Stephen: NICE SEEING YOU.
>> WHAT A LOVELY AUDIENCE.
>> Stephen: MARVELOUS PEOPLE.
>> IT SEEMS TO STRANGE TO SPOIL IT.
>> Stephen: WE COULD JUST SIT HERE AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND
THEY COULD PROJECT ON TO US THAT THIS IS GOING BE TO BE AN
INTERESTING KFERTIONZ.
>> THEY'RE LOVELY.
>> Stephen: WE HAD A VERY INTERESTING CONVERSATION LAST
TIME YOU WERE HERE.
>> WE DID.
>> Stephen: WE DEBATED THE EXISTENCE OF GOD.
I SMOKED YOU.
>> AND WHERE DID IT GET US.
NOWHERE.
SO WHAT'S THE POINT.
>> Stephen: WELL, HELL IN THE END, I SUPPOSE.
>> NO, YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
I'M GOING TO HELL BECAUSE I DON'T BELIEVE IN HIM.
>> Stephen: I AM GOING TO HELL BECAUSE I DO BELIEVE IN IT.
JUST BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN HELL DOESN'T MEAN YOU WON'T GO, YOU
PROBABLY WILL BECAUSE I'M A SINNER.
>> YEAH, WE'RE ALL SINNERS, AREN'T WE, ACCORDING TO YOUR
LOT.
>> Stephen: RIGHT, RIGHT AND WE'RE ONLY SAVED BY THE GRACE OF
GOD.
>> SURE.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU KNOW, WE DON'T DESERVE T WE DON'T DESERVE
IT, RICKY.
SO WHAT-- WELL, I GOT NO GUARANTEE I'M GOING TO HEAVEN.
ONLY ONE PERSON IS GUARANTEED ENTRANCE INTO HEAVEN.
>> WHO IS THAT.
>> Stephen: THE GOOD THIEF WHO WAS HANGING NEXT TO KLEIST WHO
SAID THIS VERY DAY SHALL YOU BE WITH ME IN PARADISE.
THAT IS WHAT HE SAID, KLEIST, BOOM, TBAIF HIM A STAMP,
VALIDATED HIS PARKING RIGHT THERE.
>> BUT WASN'T KLEIST GOD IN A DIFFERENT FORM.
>> Stephen: BOTH GOD AND MAN, YEAH.
>> BUT HE, GOD WAS JESUS, WASN'T HE.
>> Stephen: THREE PERSONS IN ONE GOD, YEAH.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THE BED ROCK OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION.
>> SO HE-- SO HE KNEW HE WAS SENDING HIMSELF TO EARTH TO DIE
FOR OUR SINS AND THEN GO TO HEAVEN.
>> Stephen: YEAH, BECAUSE HE SEES ALL TIME AT ONCE.
>> SOUNDS A BIT FAR FETCHED TO ME.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: I COMPLETELY AGREE.
I COMPLETELY AGREE, YEAH.
RELIGION IS THE CRAZY STORY THAT IT'S OKAY WITH YOU TO BELIEVE
IN, YOU KNOW.
IT'S OKAY FOR ME TO BELIEVE MY RELIGIOUS STORY.
EVERYBODY ELSE'S RELIGIOUS STORY IS A CULT.
(LAUGHTER) >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> EXACTLY.
YOUR GOD IS REAL, ALL THE OTHER GODS ARE SILLY MADE UP NONSENSE,
BUT NOT YOURS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S WHY MY GOD IS GREATER THAN EVERY OTHER GOD.
>> EXACTLY, YES.
>> Stephen: NOW YOU ARE IN A WORLD COMEDY TOUR.
>> I AM, INDEED.
>> Stephen: WHERE IN THE WORLD.
>> YOU WOULDN'T THINK SO.
>> Stephen: PART OF THE WORLD, WE'RE IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW.
WHAT CONSTITUTES THE WORLD FOR RICKY GERVAIS, WHEN YOU SAY THE
WORLD TOUR, IN AMERICA WE HAVE THE WORLD SERIES BUT IT IS JUST
US.
>> EXACTLY.
AND SAME OF MR. UNIVERSE ALWAYS COMES FROM EARTH, YOU KNOW WHAT
I MEAN.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> IT'S A FIX.
IT'S A FIX.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> I EVEN PUT ON THE POST BEFORE THE TICKETS WENT ON SALE, RICKY
GERVAIS LIVE COMING TO A TOWN NEAR YOU IF A TOWN NEAR YOU HAD
ANARENA AND A FIVE STAR HOT WELL A HELIPAD.
>> Stephen: SO YOU DON'T-- YOU ROUGH IT.
>> I STAY IN HOSTILES AND RIDDICK DOES-- I DO, YEAH, WHY I
GO LIVE IN A CAVE IN IRAQ.
WHY WOULD I DO THAT.
>> Stephen: THERE'S SOMETHING IN BETWEEN THOSE TWO.
>> YEAH, NORMAL PEOPLE, EVERYONE ELSE.
>> Stephen: CLEVELAND.
>> YEAH, NO, I DO.
I MAKE IT VERY EASY FOR MYSELF.
I TWO OR THREE DAYS ON AND FOUR DAYS OFF, SO YEAH, MY WORLD TOUR
IS TAKING ME A YEAR CUZ OF ALL THE DAYS OFF IN BETWEEN, YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVEN'T DONE THE STANDUP TOUR IN SEVEN YEARS,
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> SEVEN YEARS IF YOU DON'T COUNT THE GOLDEN GLOBES, WHICH
YOU SHOULDN'T.
>> Stephen: I DO HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT IN A
MINUTE, WE'LL GET BACK TO THAT.
>> OKAY, SURE.
>> Stephen: SO WHY GO BACK TO IT AFTER SEVEN YEARS IN.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, I ALWAYS THOUGHT STANDUP WAS THE FIRST
THING I DID, AS A WRITER, DIRECTOR OR ACTOR.
AND IT ALWAYS GOT PUSHED BACK.
I'VE GOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS.
BUT NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME I THINK IT IS THE FAVORITE THING I
DO.
IT IS SUCH A PRIVILEGE THAT PEOPLE ARE COMING OUT TO SEE
YOU.
YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT.
THERE ARE NO RESTRICTIONS, IT'S JUST YOUR OWN MORALITY AND
10,000 STRARYNGS IT IS A REAL PRIVILEGE.
AND I THINK I'M FINALLY A GOODS STANDUP.
AND THAT SOUNDS WEIRD AND EVERYBODY THAT CAME TO SEE ME
BEFORE THERE, YOU'RE NOT GETTING YOUR MONEY BACK.
BUT I'M SAYING NOW, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK IT IS, I THINK IT
IS SEVEN YEARS OFF, AND I SORT OF MISS IT.
AND ALSO I HAVE REACHED THE AGE, BECAUSE I'M OLD, I'VE GOTS OLD
PEOPLE RIGHTS SO I CAN SAY WHATEVER THE WHREEP [BLEEP] I
WANT.
AND I'M NOT A MANIAC.
I DON'T GO OUT TO OFFEND, THAT'S TOO EASY.
BUT YOU JUST, IT JUST HAPPENS.
>> Stephen: IS THERE ANYTHING THAT OFFENDS YOU?
>> EVERYTHING OFFENDS ME.
HONESTLY, NOISY EATERS, PEOPLE-- EATING LAKE THAT.
OH, GOD, LATENESS, PEOPLE WHO ARE LATE, I CAN'T STAND IT.
I'M ALWAYS EARLY.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE PUNK ACTUAL.
>> I'M EARLY SO IF THEY RAY BIT LATE THEY ARE TWICE AS LATE AS I
THINK THEY ARE AND I'M FURIOUS.
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE ANYONE WOULD BE LATE TO MEET ME.
WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?
IT'S CRAZY.
IT'S-- DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
PLAWS PLAWLS.
>> Stephen: WHISTLING.
>> WHISTLING, WHEN PEOPLE REALLY LOUDLY WHISTLE, AND CHANGING
ROOMS, PEOPLE WHISTLING-- THEY'RE
BASICALLY-- .
>> Stephen: LIKE A LOCKER ROOM.
>> A MAN WALKING AROUND NAKED WHISTLING IS BAIFLT GOING I'M IN
THE LOOKING AT YOUR [BLEEP] THAT'S ALL-- IT'S JUST-- AND
SNIFFING, OH, THIS IS THE WORST NOISE IN THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: SNIFFING IN THE LOCKER ROOM.
>> NO, NO, NO.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T KNOW.
>> YES, I KNOW.
>> Stephen: YOU PUT THOSE TWO IDEAS TOGETHER IN MY BRAIN.
>> WHY-- WHY ARE YOU SNIFFING.
>> Stephen: AND THEN HE GOES.
>> I KNOW, NO, PEOPLE WHO DO THIS.
OH, YOU PIG.
I HATE IT.
SO EVERYTHING OFFENDS ME.
YES.
>> Stephen: CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.
IS THIS PART OF THE WORLD TOUR, WHAT IS THIS?
>> YEAH, I WAS-- THAT'S ME IN A BATH IN MY HOTEL IN ICELANDER,
RJEVIK IS MY FAVORITE PLACE ON THE TOUR SO FAR, I HAVEN'T
PLAYED NEW YORK YET, I'M PLAYING THIS WEEKEND.
>> Stephen: ARE TICKETS STILL AVAILABLE?
>> NO, I'M PUTTING-- NO, THIS ONE IS SOLD OUT, MADISON SQUARE
GARDEN BUT I'M PUTTING ANOTHER MADISON SQUARE GARDEN ON SALE
TOMORROW, FRIDAY, 10 A.M.
THANKS FOR ASKING.
>> Stephen: SO THE PICTURE.
>> THIS IS ME AND I TRY AND DO A BATH PIC WHERE I EVER I AM THE
WORLD.
I GO TO A NOVELTY SHOP AND GET THAT, AND SMEER MYSELF-- LOOK AT
THAT, THOSE ARE REAL BREASTS AS WELL, THERE'S NO-- THOSE ARE
REAL PUPPIES DOWN THERE.
>> Stephen: THE CAPTION SAYS AFTER ONLY ONE DAY IN ICELAND.
>> YEAH, EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU DO IN ICELAND, I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO
GO.
>> IT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL, IT'S GREAT, THE THE GEOGRAPHY, THE
PEOPLE ARE GREAT.
>> Stephen: WHAT MAKES THEM LAUGH, WHAT MAKES.
>> ME.
>> Stephen: ENGLISH, THEY SPEAK ENOUGH ENGLISH.
>> THEY SPEAK BETTER ENGLISH THAN WE DO, HONESTLY, THE WHOLE
OF SCANDINAVIA, THERE IS NO LANGUAGE BARRIER.
MOST OF EUROPE SPEAKS FANTASTIC ENGLISH.
>> Stephen: THEY BELIEVE IN ELVES IN ICELAND.
>> THEY DON'T REALLY.
>> Stephen: THEY DO.
NO, THEY ACTUALLY BELIEVE, THE MAJORITY OF ICELANDERS ACTUALLY
BELIEVE-- NO, AS ADULTS, THEY WILL BUILD ROADS LAKE SAY THERE
IS A ROCK OUTCROPPING RIGHT HERE THAT IS TRADITIONALLY THE HOME
OF LIKE THESE ELFISH CREATURES, THEY WILL BUILD IT AROUND IT
RATHER THAN DISTURB THE HOME OF THE ELF, THAT IS WHY I WANT TO
TO ICELAND BECAUSE I'M A HUGE TOLL KEEN FAN WHICH I KNOW ARE
YOU NOT, YOU ARE NOT A FAN OF JRR TOLL KEEN.
AND WHY AREN'T-- TOLKIEN, BECAUSE WHY AREN'T YOU, YOU HAVE
THE-- YOU COULD BE A HOBBIT.
YOU HAVE THE LOOK.
>> THERE IS A CON SPIRS SEE.
>> Stephen: NO, JUST SEEMS NATURAL.
>> I'VE GOT HOBBIT'S FEET.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YOU DON'T LIKE TOLKIEN.
>> AND HUGE TESTICLES THAT EVERY HOBBIT HAS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE.
>> THEY JUST NEVER IN ITS FILM, EITHER, ENORMOUS TESTICLES.
>> Stephen: THEY WOULD HAVE LOST THEIR RATING, THEY WOULD
HAVE LOST THEIR RATING.
THERE IS AN UNCUT THERE IS AN UNCUT VERSION, THAT'S IN THE
DIRECTOR'S CUT.
WHY DON'T YOU LIKE TOLKIEN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
>> BECAUSE IT'S NONSENSE.
>> Stephen: IT'S FANTASY, WHAT DID YOU MEAN, WHAT'S WRONG WITH
NONSENSE?
>> WELL.
>> Stephen: DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE TRUE TO YOU.
>> OKAY, I'M A CATHOLIC.
>> Stephen: WELCOME.
WELCOME ABOARD.
>> >> Stephen: SO I WON THE
DEBATE.
>> IF NONSENSE IS OKAY, I'M IN.
>> Stephen: OKAY, GOOD.
>> AND CAN I DRINK AS MUCH RED WINE AS I WANT.
>> Stephen: RIGHT, BECAUSE IT'S NOT WINE ANY MORE.
>> IT'S NOT WINE ANY MORE.
I'M ABSOLUTELY OFF MY [BLEEP] ON THE BLOOD OF CHRIST.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: SPEAKING-- SPEAKING, SPEAKING OF
BEING OFF YOUR [BLEEP], LET'S GET BACK TO THE GOLDEN GLOBES
FOR A SECOND.
YOU HAVE HOSTED THAT A FEW TIMES.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND I'M HOSTING, YOU HAVE DONE A GREAT JOB.
I'M HOSTING THE EMMYS IN THE FALL.
YOU CAN GIVE ME ANY ADVICE-- (APPLAUSE)
OTHER THAN, LIKE OTHER THAN LIKE PISSING OFF EARN IN THE ROOM OR
SHOULD DO YOU THAT, IS IT A GOOD THING TO DO?
>> I DON'T TRY TO, BUT AGAIN, I THINK WHEN YOU DO THOSE THINGS,
WITH THE GOLDEN GLOBES I HAVE A CHOICE AS A COMEDIAN, DO I
PANDER TO 200 PEOPLE IN THE ROOM OR THE 200 MILLION PEOPLE
WATCHING AROUND THE WORLD.
AND THERE IS NO CONTEST, YOU KNOW.
I PLAY IT FOR THE AUDIENCE AT HOME.
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT WINNING AWARDS.
I'M THE FAT GUY AT HOME ON THE COUCH, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
SO I SORT OF-- I DON'T-- I'M NOT THAT NASTY.
BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE EMMY VOTE IS THEN BECAUSE I'M UP FOR
EMMY CONSIDERATION FOR-- LIFE ON THE ROAD, BEST TV MOVIE AND BEST
TELEVISION.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU A VOTER.
>> I DON'T THINK THEY ASKED ME TO VOTE.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER WON AN EMMY.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THEN ARE YOU AUTOMATICALLY IN TO VOTE.
>> I HAVE WON TWO BUT I LOST 21.
>> Stephen: OH, WOW.
>> THAT'S TERRIBLE-- .
>> Stephen: THAT IS PRETTY BAD.
>> THAT IS A TERRIBLE BATTING AVERAGE.
>> Stephen: YEAH, WOW.
I THOUGHT WERE YOU TALENTED, I DIDN'T KNOW.
>> YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW, I THINK IT'S A BIG JOKE.
THEY'RE LIKE COME TO L.A. YOU ARE GOING TO WIN, AM I?
NOU.
>> Stephen: LOUIS C.K.
>> I THINK FUN-- .
>> Stephen: YOU CAN DRINK AT THE GOLDEN GLOBES.
>> THAT'S THE THING.
THE GOLDEN GLOBES IS PROBABLY BETTER TO BE AT THAN HOST THAT
BECAUSE YOU ARE GETTING DRUNK AND YOU DON'T CARE.
WHEREAS THE EMMYS THEY ARE ALL SITTING THERE AND BUT THEY ARE
SOBER SO IT IS GOOD TO PERFORM AT BUT-- WHEN I'M UP FOR EMMYS
WHICH IS EVERY YEAR, I DON'T WIN THEM.
BUT THEY SAY DO YOU WANT TO HAND ONE OUT.
AND I ALWAYS SAY YES BECAUSE I KNOW THERE WILL BE A BREAK AND I
WILL GET BACKSTAGE AND HAVE A BEER.
BECAUSE IT IS THREE HOURS WITHOUT A BEEF WATCHING IT.
SO BASICALLY, BLOOD OF CHRIST, THAT'S ALL I SAY-- SAY,.
>> Stephen: DONE, PEACE BE WITH YOU.
RICKY IN NEW YORK AND L.A., TICKETS GO ON SALE TOMORROW.
RICKY GERVAIS, EVERYBODY.