- The pandemic was so long, I transitioned.
(audience cheers)
That's right.
All those gas stations attendants
my entire life calling me sir were right.
They were right.
They knew me and they loved me before I could love myself.
(audience cheers)
I'm very grateful to those guys.
Very grateful.
I've been taking testosterone for about a year.
And yeah, thank you.
And honestly, sometimes I just feel like
history's slowest werewolf, you know?
Just a hair every now and then.
Not so much like howling at the moon,
but I can carry, like, four bags of groceries on one arm.
I do use they/them pronouns. Thank you so much.
Usually people, you know,
lift me up on their shoulders
and carry me out into the streets.
So, I mean kind of timid for me but
I will be canceling you all later, it's fine.
None of you have jobs or social media, so.
Next time, clap! Just kidding.
I do, I mostly use they/them pronouns these days
just to keep people questioning whether they really want
to talk to me or not.
It's like a very great buffer.
People are like, "I don't know, what can I,
I'm avoiding you.
I'm just, I'm not gonna talk to you.
Can't, I don't know what to say."
But then if you live in like, you know, a progressive place,
I go to parties or something,
and some faux woke person,
always accost me.
And I'm so sorry, it's always the white ladies.
They're always. (audience laughs)
It's like, it takes one to know one. You know what I mean?
I was like I used to be you, you know? I used to.
(audience laughs)
I thought I was, I thought I was.
You know, I thought, and I was wrong, but.
Because the dudes pretty much leave me alone.
You know, it's either out of confusion or respect.
And I think it's a great combo of both.
But I go to parties and like, the women are just like,
"I gotta know what pronouns you use!
What are your pronouns?"
They don't even know my name yet, but they're like,
"What pronouns? I gotta know.
I gotta, I gotta know."
And I'm like, "They/them."
And they're like, "She uses they/them everybody!"
(audience laughs)
"Just letting everybody know!
This woman, this senorita, she uses they/them, so.
Everybody get on board!"
I'm gonna say, if you don't care, don't ask,
you know what I mean?
If you don't care what my pronouns are, don't ask.
That's my update to don't ask don't tell.
If you don't care, don't ask!
Leave me alone!
I think we could leave trans kids alone.
You know what I mean? Like we could leave them alone.
(audience cheers)
Well no, I mean, let's not leave them alone.
I don't mean leave them in the woods.
I don't mean abandoned them.
I mean, create community around them
and love them, you know?
But I think we could take some of that, you know,
legislative anger that this country
is focusing on trans kids.
And when I say trans kids, I mean,
I really mean everybody, you know?
Like we're just so angry at each other,
taking it out on each other,
and we think we have to do all this.
It's just like, leave each other alone.
Just enjoy each other, just enjoy your life.
Just enjoy your life, leave each other alone.
You know what I mean? And we could take, that's right.
(audience applauds)
We could take a little bit,
just a little bit of that legislative anger,
and we could use the rest of it to fight climate change,
but that's another set.
So we could all maybe have water.
I don't know. That would be great.
No, I want to pay for it. All right.
And we could take some of that anger
and we could use it for some wellness checks
for the people who hang rubber testicles
from the backs of their trucks.
(audience cheers)
Now, nothing aggressive.
Just like a little wellness check. You know what I mean?
Just like a show, just a little, just a little.
"Hey, what's up, dude? How's it going?
Have you eaten in a while? I don't.
Okay. I just, hey, I was just concerned about you, you know?
'Cause I noticed that you
put some balls
on your Kia,
and so I just wanted to see how you were doing.
Question, is the car the dick?
Because the proportions are
like very, very off, you know what I mean?"
(audience laughs)
- That's crazy. - What?
- [Audience Member] No, I said that's crazy.
Like I didn't really think about the balls being-
- Right. (audience laughs)
- That's crazy. - It is!
This is what I'm saying to you!
- [Audience Member] Too much dick for two little balls.
- It's so much dick!
It's so much dick!
It's like 60 feet, that's right.
And the balls are like, six inches.
- [Audience Member] Tiny balls for a big dick.
- Tiny balls for a big dick, that's right.
- It's not great. - Why would you be bragging
about that? - You have no balls.
- It's so much. Even with the Kia.
It's so wide of a car.
- That's a big ass dick. - That's a big ass dick,
that's right.
I'm worried about people.
(audience laughs)
But I don't want to, you know,
I don't want to only focus on toxic masculinity.
I think we should also give some wellness checks
for the people who put eyelashes on their Mini Coopers.
'Cause that. (audience applauds)
That shit will run you down in a Sephora parking lot.
(audience laughs)
That shit will kill you.