You have a big presentation tomorrow.
Instead of preparing for it, you decide you deserve some me-time.
Before you know it, you’ve spent the entire night playing Destiny.
Guess what happens next.
It’s called self-sabotaging and we all do it to some extent.
So let’s take a look at how and why we do it.
On the low end, we have self-handicapping.
This is when you do something fairly small that hurts your chances at success.
It’s important to note that you’re not doing it because it might lead to failure,
you’re doing it despite the fact that it might lead to failure.
It’s a small difference, but an important one.
For example, drinking the night before a test.
You don’t drink with the intention of bombing your test tomorrow.
But you drink knowing that it might cause that.
And you accept that risk for some reason.
Or maybe you have a big paper or video due tomorrow.
And instead of working on it, you know that it won’t really take you that long so you
spend the night binge watching some youtube series for the umpteenth time.
And just like every time before, you’ve waited until the last minute and have to rush.
Maybe you do that so often you named your fake production company after it…
The thing is, we all do this to some extent.
Whether you eat junk food before a race or hit snooze too many times in the morning.
Why?
To protect your self-esteem.
It’s a way to shift blame from yourself onto something else.
I didn’t fail the test because I didn’t study, I was hungover!
Sorry I was late this morning, traffic was terrible.
This video wasn’t the best because I just didn’t have enough time to properly edit!
I didn’t do my best this time, I just wasn’t feeling on top of my game.
It protects your self image because it’s not your fault that you failed, it’s some
external force.
Now you may know deep down that it’s your fault, but you’re not going to tell anyone
else that.
And over time, you will convince yourself that it’s not your poor time management
skills or poor study habits.
Again, you don’t do these things in order to cause failure, but you do them knowing
the risk, in order to give yourself an out.
So what about when people do it while knowing the risk and knowing it will lead to failure?
Well, we have a name for that, Masochistic Personality Disorder.
Because of the sexual connotations to that word, there’s been a recent shift to calling
it Self-Defeating Personality Disorder.
This is when someone, on purpose, avoids or undermines happiness and is drawn to situations
that will cause unhappiness.
There are eight criteria, and in order to have the disorder, you have to tick the box
on five of them, and you don’t do them as a result of depression or abuse.
They’re just part of your personality.
KnowingBetter is not a clinical psychologist and cannot diagnose or treat any disorders,
if you feel you have this disorder, seek professional help.
So let’s get started!
Chooses people and situations that lead to disappointment, failure, or mistreatment even
when better options are clearly available Prime example?
Someone who only dates jerks.
Doesn’t matter how many times they end up with one, how many times they’ve been mistreated
and disappointed, they find themselves in the same situation over and over.
They just seem to find themselves attracted to these people, for some reason.
Why?
Well there’s the sympathy and attention argument obviously, but when it comes to this
disorder, it’s because there is comfort in unhappiness.
Joy is fleeting and uncertain, you never know how long it’s going to last and you can’t
really force yourself to be happy.
But unhappiness?
That lasts as long as you want it to and you can force it.
Or, you find yourself only attracted to unavailable people – whether they’re married or live
thousands of miles away.
You flirt at work all the time or text each other constantly.
Why?
Because it’s safe.
You can’t be rejected by someone who is unavailable.
I mean, you can be, but it doesn’t hurt as much because deep down you knew it was
never going to happen anyway.
It’s a way to feel that little bit of happiness without getting too invested, all the while
knowing it will probably lead to disappointment.
But it doesn’t have to be romantic.
Maybe you choose friends who aren’t exactly upright citizens.
Or you have bad habits that you know might get you fired or land you in jail.
But you keep them anyway, knowing the risk.
Rejects or renders ineffective the attempts of others to help them.
Rejecting someone’s help is rather self-explanatory.
But how would someone render it ineffective?
Well, let’s say you’re having trouble with an assignment and a friend offers to
come over the night before it’s due to help you.
You guys spend several hours working on it together, and then the next day, you don’t
turn it in because “it just didn’t feel right turning in something that wasn’t really
my own work.”
You protected your “conscience” or whatever, negated the help they gave you, and set yourself
up for failure all in one fell swoop, congratulations?
It doesn’t necessarily have to be as convoluted as that.
Whenever someone gives you worthwhile advice you dismiss it because “they don’t know
the whole story.”
Or maybe you’re diet buddies with someone but when you’re alone you eat junk food.
Sidenote, if you’re on a diet and you have a “cheat day” you’re also rendering
everything ineffective, and deep down you know that too.
Following positive personal events, responds with depression, guilt, or a behavior that
produces pain.
Hey I heard you just got a promotion at work, congratulations!
Yeah…
I don’t really deserve it though, they just had to put someone into the position… and
it’s going to be so much more work, I really don’t know how I’m going to handle it.
I think I might just turn it down really.
All three, depression, guilt, and self-sabotaging behavior, all in the span of a few short sentences.
First, they minimize the achievement by saying it really wasn’t that hard or anyone could
have gotten it.
Then feel bad about getting the achievement over someone else – this is where Impostor
Syndrome fits in by the way, when you feel like they made a mistake in giving you that
promotion or spot in graduate school.
And then blow it all up by completely rejecting the achievement.
You don’t have to do all three, but they often come as a package.
Why?
Because again, happiness is uncertain.
Depression is forever.
Being the underdog and being sad is comfortable.
Incites angry or rejecting responses from others and then feels hurt, defeated, or humiliated.
Have you ever played the “let’s see how long it takes for her to text me out of the
blue” game with someone you’re dating or have a crush on?
Yeah, there are no winners in that game.
If they do text you first, meh.
But if they don’t…
You are inviting rejection.
Why would you do that?
Because A, happiness is uncomfortable, but B, so that you can tell everyone that you
just can’t seem to find someone who is as into you as you are into them.
You are self-sabotaging your own chances.
Maybe they’re just busy… or maybe they’re taking your silence as a rejection, so they
distance themselves in response.
Either way, there are no winners here.
Rejects opportunities for pleasure, or is reluctant to acknowledge enjoying themselves.
Hey do you wanna go see the Emoji Movie?
Do you want to go see It?
Ehhh… not really.
Too bad, we’re going anyway There, wasn’t that fun?
Ehhh… it was alright.
We all know people who are like this sometimes, but people with this disorder do it always.
Nothing was ever fun, nothing is ever great.
It was alright, it’s fine.
This all goes back to happiness being fleeting.
So you never want to admit that you’re happy, because it’s like a wish.
If you say it out loud it might disappear or something.
I understand how ridiculous some of this might sound to most of you, and some of you might
experience this occasionally.
But people with this personality type experience it constantly.
Pleasure is uncomfortable, they want it, but it’s actually kind of scary, so they seek
out safer options or ways to distance themselves from that pleasure in order to protect their
sense of self.
Fails to accomplish tasks crucial to their personal objectives despite having demonstrated
ability to do.
Remember that example I gave of a friend helping you with a paper and then you not turning
it in?
Well now you’re the friend.
You spent all night helping your friend get their work done, at the cost of your own.
Or putting yourself in a position where you no longer have the time you properly get yours
done.
Maybe you’ve procrastinated on making a video so much that while you could probably
still make it in time, and have on several occasions done it in a single day.
So you tweet out that there just isn’t enough time to do it justice so... no video….
Is uninterested in or rejects people who consistently treat them well.
Do I really need to have an explanation for every single one of these?
Engages in excessive self-sacrifice that is unsolicited by the intended recipients of
the sacrifice.
Self-sacrifice doesn’t necessarily mean doing something heroic like jumping on a grenade
to save the rest of your platoon.
It can be something as simple as always volunteering for the graveyard shift or doing the crappy
chore… while you think that you’re doing something noble for everyone, people just
start to think that you enjoy it, so they just give you the graveyard shift or expect
you to do that chore.
And now you can play underdog.
But it can also go as high as admitting to wrongdoings that you didn’t commit in order
to protect someone else.
It might get you fired or written up, but in your mind, it was a noble sacrifice.
Or perhaps even admitting to crimes that maybe nobody got hurt and nobody saw you do it,
the cops wouldn’t have found out if you didn’t tell them, but in your mind it was
“the right thing to do.”
Most people would say keep your mouth shut, don’t do it again, but keep your mouth shut.
No!
I must, I simply cannot live with this lie!
What are you doing?
You feel bad, you’re not going to do it again, don’t shoot yourself in the foot!
But before we end this, you might have noticed I took several jabs at myself during this
video.
This is called Self-Deprecation and it’s partially to be funny but it’s also another
self-defense technique.
It’s something that almost all of us do, especially youtubers.
I’m not saying that everything I make is quality, ha, far from it.
Because I never meet anyone at all.
Why not make the most of that degree and catastrophically disappoint your parents by becoming a Youtuber.
Firstly, it’s a way to appear modest.
But secondly, and perhaps more importantly, it’s a way to brush off any potential criticism
or negative comments.
You can’t tell me I’m a loser if I already said I’m a loser.
You can’t call me fat if I constantly joke about how fat I am.
Please note that calling me a loser and calling me fat hurts – always – but it’s a deterrent
to you, like, you’re not going to bring it up since I already did.
It’s also somewhat of a defense if you do decide to bring it up… like yeah, I know…
that’s why I joked about it.
All of these things are ways that we protect out self esteem, our ego, and our emotional
well being.
Yeah, being sad and depressed isn’t fun.
But going from happy to sad is even less fun.
So there are people out there who would prefer to just stay down here rather than ride the
rollercoaster.
And even if you don’t take it to that extreme, you will do things to at least soften the
blow of the eventual downhills.
Whether you’re giving yourself an excuse for it or causing it on purpose.
So the next you’re contemplating procrastinating on that paper, declining a party invite, or
“just one more episode”-ing the night before a test, you’ll know better.
So what ways have you self-handicapped before?
Let me know down in the comments, and don’t forget to sabotage that subscribe button.
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