>> WELCOME BACK, EVERYONE.
MY NEXT GUEST STARS ON "VEEP" AS THE EXTREMELY UNLIKEABLE
CONGRESSMAN JONAH RYAN.
>> EXCUSE ME, SHAWNEE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS, BUT
I'VE BEEN UNDERESTIMATED MY ENTIRE LIFE.
FAILURE TO THRIVE AT BIRTH.
(BLEEP) THAT.
PUBERTY AT 19.
WHEN IT HIT IT HIT LEAK A (BLEEP) THUNDERBOLT.
THIRD-GRADE READING LEVEL IN THE TENTH GRADE.
EVERYTHING I HAVE BEEN THROUGH IN MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS ONLY MADE
ME STRONGER AND TALLER.
GET THOSE (BLEEP) MEAT BALLS AWAY FROM ME!
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY LIKABLE TIMOTHY SIMONS.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> HOW YOU DOING?
>> Stephen: THAT IS FOR YOU.
>> THIS IS FOR ME.
>> Stephen: I'LL WAIT WHILE YOU HYDRATE YOURSELF.
GO AHEAD.
WE COULD GO HERE A WHILE.
>> ONE SECOND, GUY S.
>> Stephen: WHILE YOU DO THAT, I WILL COMMENT I LOVE YOUR
BEARD.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: WE HAVEN'T SEEN JONAH WITH A BEARD.
>> I'VE BEEN WORKING VERY HARD ON IT.
>> Stephen: IT GIVES YOU SECONDARY MALE CHARACTERISTICS
THAT JONAH DOES NOT POSSESS.
>> DOES HE HAVE ANY?
>> Stephen: HE'S VERY TALL.
THAT HELPS.
AND HE'S A DICK.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU GO BY TIMOTHY, RIGHT, THE
WHOLE DAMN THING?
>> YEAH, THE WHOLE THING.
>> Stephen: TIMOTHY.
IT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE, WHEN I SAY YOUR NAME, THAT I'M MAD AT
YOU "TIMOTHY!" REQUEST NOT TIM.
>> I LIKE THE FORMALITY OF TIMOTHY.
THERE'S SOMETHING I LIKE ABOUT THAT.
>> Stephen: DOES YOUR MOM CALL YOU TIM?
>> WELL, SHE DID, BUT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED WHEN I WAS A KID.
I'M PUTTING IT TOGETHER THAT I MIGHT HAVE BEEN A NIGHTMARE
CHILD.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE A FUN NIGHTMARE BUT A
NIGHTMARE.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> YOU KNOW-- YOU HAVE KIDS-- WHEN YOU'RE MAD AT THEM YOU WILL
YELL THE MIDDLE NAME.
SO I WAS TIMOTHY CHARLES SIMON S.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> BUT IT TURNS OUT, MY MOM WOULD GET SO MAD AT ME, THAT FOR
A LONG TIME, SHE WOULD GET SO MAD AT ME SHE STARTED ADDING
MIDDLE NAMES.
AND FOR A VERY LONG TIME I THOUGHT MY NAME WAS TIMOTHY
CHARLES MICHAEL ORILE PAT REICH MICHAEL SIMONS.
SHE WOULD GET SO MAD THAT SHE WOULD JUST START SCREAMING IRISH
MIDDLE NAMES.
AND IT TURNS OUT THAT'S NOT MY NAME.
FOR YEARS I BELIEVE IT WAS.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE KIDS OF YOUR OWN NOW.
>> I DO.
>> Stephen: DO YOU YELL THEIR MIDDLE NAMES AT THEM?
>> THEY'RE WONDERFUL, LOVELY, AMAZING CHILDREN.
BUT, NO, THEY'RE FUN NIGHTMARES, TOO.
I THINK THEY GOT THAT FROM ME, FOR SURE, BUT THEY ARE FUN
NIGHTMARES.
THEY HAVE GOTTEN INTO A THING RECENTLY --
>> Stephen: GIRLS, BOYS?
>> ONE OF EACH.
A GIRL NAMED HOPPER AND A LITTLE BOY NAMED MARTY.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD?
>> FIVE YEARS OLD.
WE HAVE TWINS.
>> Stephen: PERFECT AGE.
>> I HAVE ALWAYS PICTURED MYSELF-- I FEEL LIKE I'M COMING
INTO MY SWEET SPOT AS A PARENT.
I ALWAYS PICTURED MYSELF AS A PARENT OF FIVE- TO
NINE-YEAR-OLDS.
I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH A BABY SO, FOR, LIKE, A
GOOD YEAR AND A HALF, I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING.
I FEEL LIKE I'M COMING INTO MY SWEET SPOT WHERE IF THEY ASK ME
A QUESTION I CAN MAKE UP THE ANSWER AND THEY CAN'T-- THEY
DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE GOOGLE.
THEY CAN'T FACT CHECK ME.
SO I CAN STRAIGHT UP LIE TO THEM, AND THEY HAVE TO BELIEVE
IT.
>> Stephen: ANY GOOD LIES YOU'VE TOLD YOUR CHILDREN?
>> ALL THE REGULAR ONES, SANTA, THE EASTER BUNNY, AND THAT
EVERYTHING IS FINE.
( LAUGHTER ) PAPA-- IT'S JUST ALL GOING TO
WORK OUT.
PAPA IS WELL LIKED AND WELL RESPECTED.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE --
>> Stephen: DO THEY TELL LIES TO YOU?
>> THEY DO.
VERY RECENTLY, I WAS IN THE KITCHEN, I WAS MAKING DINNER,
AND HOPPER CAME IN FROM THE BACKYARD, AND TOLD ME, "PAPA, I
DIDN'T THROW MY SNEAKERS ON THE ROOF OF THE GARAGE."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT'S YOUR
DAUGHTER?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT SHE LED WITH?
>> SHE LED WITH, "PAPA, I DID NOT THROW MY SNEAKS, OR THE ROOF
OF THE GARAGE."
I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU ONE GUESS WHERE YOU THINK HER SHOES WERE.
THEY WERE ON THE ROOF OF THE GARAGE.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
THAT'S LIKE BEING PULLED IN BY THE COPS AND GOING, "I DON'T
KNOW HOW THE BODY GOT IN THE STORM DRAIN."
>> THE THING SI TRY TO THINK WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHAT THEIR
MATURITY LEVEL IS, I PUT TOGETHER THIS WEEK THAT DONALD
TRUMP IN THAT COMEY LETTER THAT HE WROTE, ESSENTIALLY, IN THAT
LETTER WROTE, "I DID NOT THROW MY SHOES ON THE TOP OF THE
GARAGE."
>> Stephen: OH, RIGHT BECAUSE HE SAID --
>> THE THING ABOUT -- >> Stephen: HE SAID, "EVEN
THOUGH YOU HAVE TOLD ME THREE TIMES THAT I'M NOT UNDER
INVESTIGATION, SO I'M TOTALLY NOT FIRING YOU FOR THAT REASON.
YOU'RE FIRED."
>> SO THEY ARE-- THEY ARE EXACTLY AS MATURE AS THE
70-YEAR-OLD LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD.
>> Stephen: UH-HUH.
MAYBE A LITTLE MORE.
>> MAYBE A LITTLE MORE.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THEY HAVE AN EXCUSE.
YOU DID THEATER IN CHICAGO FOR A LONG TIME.
>> I DID.
>> Stephen: I LIVED THERE FOR 11 YEARS.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I DID SHEERT IN CHICAGO.
HOW DID YOU-- WHAT'S THE WORD-- EAT?
CHICAGO IS A GREAT PLACE TO DO THEATER.
YOU CAN REALLY-- YOU CAN GET A LOT OF WORK THERE.
IT DOESN'T NECESSARILY KILL YOU TO LIVE THERE BUT YOU STILL HAVE
TO MAKE ENDS MEET.
WHAT WAS YOUR JOB DURING THE DAY?
>> I HAD A BUN OF DIFFERENT JOBS.
I WAS A CARPENTER AND AT ONE POINT-- BECAUSE I'M A PHYSICAL
SPECIMEN.
I KNOW EVERYONE CAN SEE THAT, ESPECIALLY IN THE BACK ROW, YOU
CAN SEE JACKED.
I WAS A BOUNCER AT WHAT I BELIEVE IS THE WORST BAR IN
AMERICA.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: WHAT'S-- >> IT'S CALLED JOE'S ON WEED.
>> Stephen: JOE'S ON WEED?
>> I THINK I CAN SAY THE NAME OF THE BAR.
IT'S AWFUL.
DON'T EVER GO THERE.
DON'T EVER.
>> Stephen: JOE'S ON WEED.
IS IT ON WEED STREET IN CHICAGO?
>> IT'S ON WEED STREET.
I WAS THERE, ONE OF MY FIRST DAYS, THERE WAS A RIOT THERE.
AND IT CAN HOLD ABOUT 1,000 PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> SO IT'S A BIG CROWD.
AND I THINK WHAT THEY DID IS-- THEY DIDN'T NEED BOUNCERS THAT
COULD ACTUALLY BOUNCE ANYBODY OUT.
THEY JUST ASSUMED WE WOULD HANDLE IT IN NUMBERS THAT THEY
WOULD JUST HIRE 30 BOUNCERS LIKE ME THAT WEIGHED 170 POUNDS AT
6'5" OR WHATEVER AND THAT WE WOULD HANDLE IT.
I'M NOT STEEPED IN HIP-HOP CULTURE, BUT THERE WAS A HIP-HOP
SHOW, AND ONE OF THE OPENING ACTS SAID-- AND I DON'T THINK
THAT THIS IS-- I DON'T THINK THIS IS A NICE THING-- HE SAID
(BLEEP) CHICAGO HIP-HOP.
I ONLY LIKE NEW YORK CITY HIP-HOP.
OR I THINK I'M PARAPHRASING.
>> Stephen: THEM'S FIGHTING WORDS.
>> IT DID NOT GO OVER WELL, AND A FULL-ON RIOT BROKE OUT.
AND SOMEBODY AT ONE POINT, LIKE, TOOK A SOFA FROM THE SECOND
FLOOR, AND THREW IT ON TO THE FIRST FLOOR.
>> Stephen: A PERSON PICKED UP A SOFA?
>> I THINK HE WAS MAD.
SO-- ( LAUGHTER )
IN MY MEMORY IT WAS ONE PERSON.
>> Stephen: RAGE, YEAH, RAGE.
SO WHAT DID YOU DO?
>> I-- I LOOKED TO MY BOSS, AND I SAID, "WHAT DO I DO?"
AND HE SAID, "STOP IT."
MEANING, I GUESS, STOP THE RIOT.
BUT AS I KNOW THAT I'M A PHYSICAL SPECIMEN AND I KNOW YOU
CAN ALL SEE, THAT I WAS UNABLE TO DO THAT.
I WAS WEARING A SHOT THAT SAID JOE'S ON WEED, AND I JUST TURNED
IT INSIDE OUT AND JOINED THE RIOT.
>> Stephen: TEACH THAT TO YOUR DAUGHTERS.
>> TEACH THAT TO YOUR DAUGHTER.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: IT WAS LOVELY IT MEET YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
I'M A HUGE FAN OF "VEEP."
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: I LOVE YOUR PERFORMANCE.
I LOVE JONAH RYAN, AS HATEABLE AS HE IS.
I LOVE THE UNSTABLE PIECE OF HUMAN SCAFFOLDING, THE WORLD'S
LARGEST SINGLE-CELL ORGANISM, AND, OF COURSE, JONAD.
>> THAT'S THE ONE THAT COMES UP THE MOAT AT THE GROCERY STORE.
>> Stephen: HOW DOES IT FEEL TO KNOW THERE IS A ROOM FULL OF
WRITERS THINKING OF WAYS TO INSULT YOU?
>> TERRIBLE.
THEY'RE ALL HARVARD-EDUCATED, INCREDIBLY INTELLIGENT PEOPLE
AND THEIR ONLY JOB IS TO SAY THAT MAKE ME FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT
MYSELF.
IT IS A MURDERER'S ROW OF PEOPLE-- WORST IS-- YOU'RE
ALWAYS ABLE TO SEPARATE IT, SOMETIMES.
YOU'RE MOSTLY ABLE TO SEPARATE IT --
>> Stephen: "IT'S NOT ME.
IT'S MY CHARACTER."
YEAH.
>> BUT WHEN THEY COME OUT AND LOOK YOU UP AND DOWN AND THEY GO
BACK INTO THE WRITERS' ROOM, AND 30 SECONDS LATER THEY COME BACK
WITH, "OKAY, TRY 'YOU LOOK LIKE MELTED PLAY DOUGH ON A FLAG
POLE'" YOU KNOW THAT WASN'T ABOUT THE CHARACTER.
YOU KNOW YOU LOOKED LIKE MELTED PLAY-DOH ON A FLAG POLL.
>> Stephen: WITH A BEAUTIFUL BEARD.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANK YOU.
"VEEP" AIRS SUNDAYS ON HBO.
TIMOTHY SIMONS, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ME IN A