Welcome to my show where the motto is, when you're here,
you're family.
And if you're not family, you're either not here
or you have to stay six feet away from me and wear a mask.
It's not very catchy, but it's an accurate motto.
We have been doing the show from my house since March.
Remember March?
My God.
No one knew what Zoom was.
It was before jeans were extinct.
Remember jeans?
Yeah.
I don't.
My jeans have been in the closet longer than I was.
[LAUGHS]
That, my friends, is a lesbian joke.
Was it a good one?
Not really.
But the rules are if I make a joke about being gay,
you take a drink.
I call it the lesbian drinking game.
I've been playing it on the show for a little while now.
And some people at home are playing along.
I am happy that I'm helping people find reasons to drink.
I thought I could ask some of my staff to play.
Since Mary is sober, I'm going to play with real-life
Lauren, the drunk.
Lauren.
And I caught you mid-sip.
Oh, that's a nice rosé you've got going there, right?
Thank you.
They say, rosé all day.
I just--
Oh, is that what they say?
I just made that up.
Oh, well, that-- it rhymes.
And it would be a good one.
Is that your drink of choice is the rosé?
Or what have you been drinking during quarantine?
A little of everything.
But in these warmer months, rosé.
Crisp.
More of a red.
I love tequila.
How much wine have you been drinking?
This was yesterday.
Oh, wow.
She's collecting the corks.
Wow.
What are you going to do with all those when you--
why are you saving your corks?
We really did want to save all the corks that we
had in quarantine.
And this is them.
Wow.
All right.
So Lauren, just to remind you, you are a lesbian.
Thank you for reminding me.
Yeah.
Well, you've been in quarantine for a while,
so I just want to remind you.
And you don't have to be a lesbian to play this game.
You can still play no matter which team you're on.
You know what I mean?
But technically, that was a gay joke, so take a drink, Lauren.
Oh, what team you're on.
Yep.
All right.
Hey, Lauren, which breed of dog can bring you red wine?
I don't know.
What breed of dog can bring you red wine?
A Bordeaux collie.
That's not gay.
Yeah.
It wasn't a lesbian joke, but it was told by a lesbian,
so you have to drink.
Wow.
Those are the rules.
I just made it up.
All right.
I've got another one.
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
I don't know.
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing.
It just let out a little wine.
That's not lesbian.
No, it's not.
But I told it to a lesbian.
Bottoms up.
These are unbelievable rules.
Or tops.
I don't know your life.
That's a gay joke.
Take a drink.
Boom.
Are you having fun?
Yeah.
You have a joke you want to share with me?
Yeah, I do.
How does a rabbi make coffee?
Do you know this one, Andy?
How does a rabbi make coffee?
No, I don't.
He grinds?
He brews it.
What?
Hebrews!
Like Hebrews, Ellen.
So the emphasis wouldn't be on he brews it.
It would be Hebrews it.
Hebrews it.
From the top.
How does a rabbi make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Is it a gay rabbi?
That's a jew joke.
That's not a gay joke.
That is a gay joke.
She told it.
Yeah.
Hebrews it.
I've got another one.
You want another one?
Yeah.
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A stick.
Oh, yeah.
[LAUGHS]
What?
It just made sense.
Is that really the answer?
I was not expecting that.
I'll drink for that.
Is that really the answer?
All right.
You should drink because that's stupid.
All right.
I've got another one.
What kind of exercises do lazy people do?
I don't know.
Diddly squats.
Yeah.
I get it.
Oh, God.
All right.
Listen.
I got one for you.
And whoever loses has to drink, OK?
All right.
So whoever laughs or smiles first loses.
OK?
Yeah.
OK.
You can't make faces.
That's not fair.
I've got to do it.
All right.
Seriously.
We're both stupid.
We both can't do it.
All right.
Yeah, I knew you couldn't keep a straight face.
That's a lesbian joke.
Drink.
Straight face.
All right.
So I've got to say goodbye to you, Lauren.
I miss you.
I miss you too.
That's gay, two women saying they miss each other?
No, that's not gay.
I'll drink.
That's gay.
When two women say I miss you, that's gay.
All right.
Drink up.
All right.
Love you.
Goodbye.