- Am I the (beep) for refusing
to kill the office spider
if my co-workers are scared of it?
Buckle up, I can already tell we're in for some dumb crap.
- I know.
- [Shayne] I've had a spider in my office space
(Jackie laughs)
for a few months now.
- [Jackie] Sorry.
(both laughing)
- No, okay.
- I've had a spider in my office space for a few months now.
She's a cool, small little thing who chills near my desk.
And, occasionally, I bring her little treats to eat.
How did he determine that this spider is cool?
- Maybe she was talking about like vinyl.
- He's like, "Hey, what are you listening to"?
- [Jackie] She's just like,
"I'm listening to, like, you know, Paramore".
(Jackie laughs)
- Wow.
- Yeah, like Hailey really does it for me.
- Sometimes she disappears and sometimes she comes back.
I've named her. I like her.
- Yeah. Dude wants to (beep) the spider.
- He's like, hey, you know
I was kind of wondering like, you know,
I know like I'm a person and you're a spider
but I don't know, I was just kind of thinking,
I don't know, like,
- Like, what are you like, what are you,
what are you saying?
- I don't know. I just thought like, I don't know.
Do you...
- Like, am I with, am I seeing anyone?
- Listen, I, I (beep) love you.
And I, I think we can make this work.
- Look, I have to tell you I'm poly, eight arms baby.
Now I'm making up fan fiction in my head
- My colleague, Michelle, is aware of the spider
and is always complaining that it's a pest
and needs to be killed.
Michelle sounds like just the lamest.
- The lamest bitch.
(both laugh)
- Michelle sucks.
- Yeah, and of course, Michelle's the manager.
- Oh, Michelle's the one who's like constant,
she's the Eye of Sauron.
Everyone's talking if they're having a good time.
All of a sudden they look over,
she's like in the corner, just staring at them.
They're like, (beep) cool. Michelle's staring.
She saw the spider web, not even the actual spider
and started an official whiteboard score sheet,
if anyone is in favor of the spider being removed.
- This sounds like a manager.
She has got too much (beep) time on her hand.
She's not doing her job.
- She's type A plus.
Apparently, she's super scared and terrified.
And being even a little bit close
to my office is enough to make her jittery.
- You know when people are liars, right,
and she forgets that
she's supposed to be jittery next to his office.
And she's like, "oh, oh wait, where am I?
Oh, I'm next to Gary's office. Oh."
(both laugh)
Every time she walks by, she's obviously,
it's Michelle, so she has a lot of (beep) in her hands
and she sees Gary's office,
she's like,
"oh, oh my gosh the spider was just so scary".
- [Shayne] Michelle, are you okay?
Do we need to call someone?
- I'm sorry. My nerves are just, or they're just, ugh,
they're everywhere.
- Okay. You sure you're all right?
- I don't know. Sorry.
I just, it's just hard for me.
Have you seen my spreadsheet?
- You mean your, your score sheet
of whether the spider should be removed or not?
- Yeah. Sorry. I just, poor me.
Just fill that out when you have a chance.
- I'll fill it out,
but I think the spider's dope.
In fact, a lot of us in the office talk about,
- Oh, oh, you do
(man choking)
- I am HR. I am your god. - What the (beep).
- What other types of score sheets
is Michelle using a whiteboard for?
- What should I be for Halloween?
A mummy? A skeleton? Okay. You all voted for witch?
(person laughs)
Interesting. Interesting.
- Wait, why am I squeaking?
(both laugh)
- Some guy who sells whiteboards
is so stoked about Michelle.
Like she calls him up
and he's just like, Michelle do you need more whiteboards?
Hell yeah. I'll get a shipment of 50 sent your way.
- [Jackie] I need more, send me 75. Thank you.
- And he's like, no problem, got it.
We're doing big bucks!
Then everyone in the office is, like,
who was that? Was that Michelle?
He's like, yeah, it was Michelle.
Guys we're at the top.
We're the number one whiteboard salesmens
in all of Milwaukee.
Michelle!
Thank God for Michelle. We got one client.
- [Jackie] Yeah.
- Here at Mike's whiteboards.
Luckily, most people voted that the spider stays.
- Good.
- But a few of her friends wrote some strongly worded notes
that the spider is a sign of poor housekeeping et cetera.
- Damn, they said, Gary's ass is dusty.
(both laughing)
Gary's got a dusty ass.
- [Shayne] Well, I'll tell you what. I hate him.
I hate that spider so goddamn much.
I must admit I was a little peeved at this, especially
because we are a pet friendly workspace
and Michelle's own dog comes into work sometimes.
And we have people who are genuinely frightened of dogs
and Michelle doesn't bother keeping her on a leash
or anything.
(woman gasps)
- Michelle's got a big ass dog.
That's probably not even trained,
this dog's probably an (beep).
- Oh, totally not trained. He's walking over,
he's like, "Listen, I'm the (beep) king here".
"I'm the alpha, hey, nice desk you got there".
"I'm gonna (beep) (beep) on it".
"Oh, you got some cupcakes there, they're mine"
(gobbles cupcakes)
They look over
and the dog is just embezzling funds from the company.
- Yeah, oh. - [Shayne] On the computer
just like, yeah, I know how to use the web.
Yeah. Michelle. I was noticing
there's tons of funds, from the company,
going towards buying bones.
Just bones.
I don't know what that- that's crazy that you guys, I
but you, you guys need that for your business.
Here's my baby, here's my guy.
That's right. I'm a little guy.
I'm just a little guy.
Oh yeah, a little guy.
Gary with a spider,
like, dude, we gotta do something about this.
- [Jackie] Yeah, not cool.
- It came to a head when we had a meeting
and Michelle brought up that she refused to go
into my office because of the spider
and she was scared of it.
- Well, she doesn't need to be in his (beep) office.
- Yeah, Michelle can stay the (beep) out of his office.
- Yeah.
- That's what I think.
Maybe, I think Pauline's there
as a means of deterring Michelle.
She's the guardian of his office.
- Yes.
- Michelle's walking up to give Gary some (beep)
Be like, Gary, I need to talk to you about showing up late.
And then all of a sudden Pauline's right at the door.
I am going to lobby against you
and I'm gonna get you (beep) murdered.
I'm gonna get you killed.
We're gonna take a napkin to you.
- [Jackie] Not if I murder you
and your little dog first, bitch.
(Michelle gasps)
- [Shayne] Not Teeny.
- [Jackie] I'm venomous. Surprise.
- [Shayne] What the (beep)? What the (beep)?
What kind of venom do you have?
- [Jackie] The venom that you need to kill.
What?
- [Shayne] A venom
(simultaneously) that you need to kill.
My boss was a little irritated
and told me to remove it or kill it.
I straight up refused and told him,
he wouldn't ask Michelle to remove her dog
and the spider is a lot less threatening
than a poorly behaved dog.
He ultimately agreed.
And since then, all she's done is go
on about how I don't care about her feelings
and that I must enjoy watching her suffer.
This boss is not showing strong leadership skills at all.
- She literally was like, hey,
(laughs) excuse me.
(laughs then gags)
Hey, someone else has something in their office
that's affecting me and I can't be in their space
so they need to fix their space.
- [Shayne] Well, alright, Kayla.
No! This spider,
listen to me, before Pauline came into my life,
I was (beep) lost. - [Jackie] Lost.
- I didn't audit anyone.
- Nobody.
- I, I wasn't able to ruin people's lives.
- No.
- But then Pauline came into my life.
- I dropped down from my butt.
- And suddenly everything fit into place.
I had a helping hand, eight of them.
- Eight. - Getting me through my day.
- Hairy as hell.
- And, you know what?
My spider Pauline is way, way less of a threat
than Michelle's gross, (beep),
(simultaneously) dog.
(beep) (beep) dog.
- Teeny is a piece of (beep). - Piece of (beep).
- [Shayne] (beep) you. (beep) you.
- [Jackie] As he's putting his face in his own (beep).
- Yeah, he's just like, I'm eating my own (beep) right now.
(everyone laughs)
So who is the (beep) here?
I'm actually genuinely curious
because I think I have my ultimate take.
- I'm confused.
(Jackie stutters)
- What you say, who do you think is the (beep).
Do you think Michelle is the (beep)?
- You're saying you have this ultimate take,
I feel like there's one clear take.
It's clear who the (beep) is in this scenario.
- I don't know.
A part of me also thinks Gary is kind of an (beep).
- What?
Gary's just minding his own business.
- I know he is, look, Michelle.
Okay. You're right.
- Gary's dusty.
That's his only issue.
- I guess my only thought is Gary could take Pauline,
he could take her outside
and just be like, hey, here's a tree,
like go now you get to go live your life.
And just like, let her go live her life.
- Shayne, you know, Gary's trying to (beep) a spider.
- I- okay.
And that makes him maybe not an (beep)
but it makes him strange.
- Yes, it does.
- It makes him weird.
- There are a lot of strange people that are not (beep).
- Okay. Fair. All right.
Well, let us know who you think was the (beep)
in the comments down below.
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- And we'll see you next time.
- Next time.
- Goodbye. - Bye-bye.