I started watching a lot of pornography
and the pornography that I was watching
had to fit in with that I can't just
watch anything I became very limited to
watching a very specific type and I read
the book the the brain that changes
itself by dr. no normal voice you know
and I could see that exactly a night so
I even though I knew that the more times
you give in you're building up the
circuitry and the last times you give in
you're getting better I just I've had
issues with that so that's what I've
recently done that I've stopped watching
pornography for about a month now okay
so let me ask you about that because you
know there's a there's a big underground
conversation about pornography that's
happening on the web you know and with
with many men and it's hard to tell how
many deciding to stop using pornography
and you know I've made some comments
publicly about pornography use being
let's call it suboptimal you know
because it well because it I think that
it it isn't good for the women who are
involved in it and it's not good for
young men because it's it's - it gives
you access to something it gives you
access to part of something but denies
you access to all of it and I think it's
dangerous because of that because it it
offers immediate gratification but no
while that say that offers immediate
gratification but no medium to long term
development of character or life I guess
that's it and and that seems to be a
dangerous kind of trap and the other
thing is is that it's also a Norman has
talked about this dr. Deutsch no it's we
don't know what that kind of massive
exposure to multiple virtual sex
partners and and and does to to the
development of the sexual sexual
behavior and sexual gratification and
sexual impulse and relationship in in
young men at all so it's a technological
marvel that's very dangerous I would say
or at least it has the potential to be
so what do you think that pornography
use did to you and what utility if any
has there been in stopping I found the
well it's just that's one issue that
I've had a major issue that I've had in
many different facets has been looking
for instant gratification so for me it's
been food marijuana TV and pornography
and I just found that my thoughts would
be always just looking for one of those
in it and as soon as the experience was
over you're you you have just had this
little quick release where you feel good
and then back in pain and I sort of
realized that my pleasure was just
getting rid of pain and like pain and
pleasure were two sides of the same coin
and I was just flipping the same coin
over and over and big how I felt now
without doing it well when I first
decided to stop I thought I'd try
writing down every time a thought came
to watch pornography and I couldn't
believe it the first day like it seemed
like almost like once a minute like I
just have a lot saying watch it watch it
and and my thoughts would try to trick
me and say oh but just by observing and
I don't know if what you think about
this but what I would do is when I'd get
the thought to do it I bite down on my
thumb in one particular spot and then I
found that the next few days the
thoughts were just coming less and less
and now that it's been a month I rarely
have the thought and the benefits I find
is that I just feel so much more aware
and and I'm not seeking pleasure as much
I'm just enjoying going going for walks
and being in nature like hmm well you
know it's in your your report is is
really quite reminiscent of an addiction
actually because and you mentioned this
and you did a good job of explaining it
you know with you if you engage in a
behavior and then it's followed by a
burst of pleasure like an orgasmic
release then that behavior is going to
be powerfully reinforced and the
circuitry that that drives you to that
behavior is going to become dominant
because behavior that culminates in a
reward tends to become stronger and that
includes attitudes and ideas and
thoughts and impulses and
Eli's ations you know of exactly the
sort that you were describing then you
said that it really plagued you badly
for the first day or two and then
started to decrease quite precipitously
after that and that's that's a good
example of how behavior extinguishes if
you cease rewarding it so and what is
that freed you up to do and what do you
think that's gonna do in terms of your
willingness or ability to pursue long
term a long term relationship well for
free time I made a schedule after
watching your personality lectures and
you know I just I have obviously have a
lot more time on my hands to to do those
things and in terms of finding a partner
since I've been back in Canada
I haven't even for a lot of times I
haven't approached women because I just
feel that no matter what it leads to I
just have difficulties like it on one
occasion there was a girl who was
hitting on me and we went on a couple
dates and it went great she was
attracted to me I was attracted to her
we had a great time but when it came
time to be intimate I just I was shaking
like a leaf like I just because I was so
used to using the same stimulus yeah
imagining I had a very strict thing that
I can imagine in my mind I don't know
what most people for most guys what they
have to think of when they watch
pornography I had to imagine an entire
backstory because I had this issue with
trust because of what happened I think
okay where are we why did we meet what's
gonna happen after like I'd so because
of all that I've just sort of been
avoiding it well so let me ask you a
question like I've been trying to figure
out what reasonable guidelines might be
with regards to initiating sexual
activity with a new partner and it seems
to me that you probably shouldn't
initiate anything that you wouldn't talk
to the person about because what that
might mean is that you don't know them
well enough to go that far with them
physically and there's dangers in that
you outline some of them you know I mean
sex is powerful and it can
especially when you're inexperienced it
can hurt you and the hurt can be you
know long-term or permanent and that's
kind of what you're relating and so one
of the things that I might suggest is
that when you initiate the next
relationship that you I mean I'm not
saying that this is an easy thing to do
because it's not but it's there's
nothing wrong with not moving forward
sexually until you've been able to
discuss what you're like personally in
relationship to sexual behavior you know
like because you might say well maybe
you shouldn't be engaging in intimate
behavior with a person before you can
tell them the story about what happened
to you and in the South Pacific and lay
out your personal history and be
comfortable with that you know that
seems to me that sort of emotional
intimacy seems to be the proper
precursor to physical intimacy and I
know that our culture has pushed really
hard probably since about the earth or
since about the emergence of the birth
control pill it's pushed pretty hard on
this idea that casual sex is first of
all possible that it can be casual and
also desirable but I think that that I
think that that's a big mistake I don't
believe either of those I don't think
that there is such a thing as casual sex
and I don't think that it's desirable I
think it causes people a lot more
trouble than they realize
you