- If this game is any indicator of how
good you are at being a Chinese person, I have failed.
I am the least Chinese, Chinese person.
I might as well be white.
(upbeat music)
How's the lockdown going?
So, today's video, I got to learn
about this game called Chinese Parents
because a friend of mine told me about it,
and he described it as a game where
you literally, you have to impress
your Chinese parents, that's the whole
premise of the game.
Before we jump in, give me a like, right now,
and subscribe if you haven't, let's go play Chinese Parents.
(T.V. static)
Before the pandemic started, I used to be
a stand-up comedian, and now all those shows are gone.
I thought to myself, well, let's just
record myself playing a game.
We have to pass the self-isolation time somehow, right?
Click to open your eyes (laughs)
Isn't there like a racist joke
about how you can blindfold Asians with dental floss?
- You could blindfold these people
with (cuts out) dental floss.
- I'm not exactly helping out here
if you paint something like this on the picture
as our eyes.
'Kay, I will open my eyes, I see a grandpa,
and grandma, and my mom and my dad.
The weird haircut, what is that?
I am born, okay.
Is this supposed to be me?
Is this even human?
Parents will have various expectations of you,
pay attention to the time limit,
otherwise you might disappoint them.
I love how the first thing, when you are
born as a Chinese kid, don't disappoint
your parents, accurate.
Click here and absorb fragments
to increase your stats.
So you have to play a dumb game to, to grow?
(laughs)
Okay, I don't know how it works,
I'm just clicking random buttons, seems to be working.
Plan for what you need to finish this turn,
study or entertainment, okay, study, of course,
right, that's what we do when we're born,
first thing we do is pick up a book.
Turn over, okay, practicing how to turn over.
Excited Grandpa, Grandpa plays with you everyday,
and when you succeed he gets excited
and calls you a genius.
And the Mandarin words here, you are smarter than your dad.
(T.V. static)
It was at this point where I realized
this game was a lot of repetitive
clicking of the same scenes.
If this game is anything to go by,
growing up as a Chinese kid must suck,
it's all about turning over and clicking jewels.
Do you know how boring your game is,
if I'm in lockdown and I still find your game boring?
But I kept playing because I wanted
to see if this game would go anywhere interesting,
and it did, because when I start going to kindergarten,
here comes the most Chinese thing ever.
A relative is coming to visit us soon,
behave yourself and don't embarrass me,
I don't wanna lose face over your behavior.
Okay, this is pretty Chinese, losing face,
a concept of being embarrassed and losing face,
I don't think any white parent ever tells their kids,
that I don't wanna lose face, I think
that this is a completely Asian parent thing.
Mom's pretty cute actually (laughs)
Why am I perving over a computer game mom?
Hey don't judge me, lockdown gets pretty lonely.
What's face?
Dad, when you outperform others
and show off your superiority, you save face.
Wow!
I'm so glad my parents never had this
face talk with me, because, this just sounds like
psychopath-level shit.
Why is it so competitive Dad?
If you wanna win that much, can you just
get a better haircut, and button up your shirt?
You look like someone who's going through
a midlife crisis, you look like you're gonna buy
a motorcycle in like two weeks.
Face duel, ooh, (laughs) just look
at how old your kid is, flaunt face.
I can do lucky turn over or rhythm control,
let's do rhythm control.
I don't mean to boast that my child's got flow,
but that's the honest truth (laughs)
We just came in from the Maldives, flaunt travel.
Lucky turn over, just look at the little one
turning over, what a quick learner.
See my kid has learned how to wave.
Oh no, I don't have any more skills.
All right, I guess I have to flee then,
I have nothing I can do here.
Oh, there's something I've got to do at home, see you later.
Yep, this is how Asian parents admit defeat.
Oh, this is Pokemon but Asian parents. (laughs)
(T.V. static)
(video game music)
(T.V. static)
Can I still only do two things?
Okay, I can leisurely stroll.
I am supposed to be in kindergarten,
shouldn't I know how to at least like,
take a shit?
(T.V. static)
The face duel was by far the most
interesting part of the game, and then
it's back to more clicking, and more talking,
and I was about to give up when this happened.
Click here to view your personal information.
The size of your mind shadow is affected
by rewards from your parents, punishments and your stress.
When your mind shadow's size exceeds 100,
the game will immediately be over.
Mind shadow?
So when it hits 100 you kill yourself?
This,(sighs) this game has really dark undertones.
First of all, you have really competitive parents
who hate each other, and hate their relatives,
don't tell someone in kindergarten about the mind shadow.
Hey kid, I know you're only four,
but when your mind shadow goes above 100,
you will kill yourself, here's an ice cream cone.
(T.V. static)
- [Narrator] One eternity later
- Okay, so this is me now, you can tell
I've grown up a little bit, um,
Mom's still pretty hot
(seductive music)
Okay the dad is, the dad looks different now.
It's only been what, two years,
how do you look like shit all of a sudden?
All right let's do study then.
Oh I just learned how to walk (laughs)
I just learned how to walk at age seven!
How are the parents not worried?
Can you imagine if you have a kid,
and the kid still can't walk at age seven?
How has nobody told me I need to learn how to walk?
How did I get to primary school?
I didn't know how to walk, my dad just
carried me and plopped me down in my chair?
And Mom's like ha ha you're so cute walking around,
let me take a picture so I can share it online,
I'm seven, don't be sharing a picture of me walking,
when I'm seven.
You mentioned about losing face,
this is the thing that's gonna make you lose the most face.
Oh my child took his first steps today, at age seven!
He knows his times tables, but he just learned how to walk.
We always thought he was going to be handicapped,
you know, we always thought he was born
with no bones in his body.
Exam marks, Chinese, 60, Mathematics, zero?
English 62, Natural Science, three, (laughs)
art, zero, wow, okay, this is, this is like an F.
Oh my god, I really suck at this game.
If this game is any indicator of how good
you are at being a Chinese person,
I have failed, I am the least Chinese, Chinese person.
I might as well be white.
(T.V. static)
That's about enough, I know I suck at this game,
I know I'm not gonna be a good Chinese son,
my self esteem has taken a big hit.
This is a game that tells you how shit
you are at being Chinese.
Give me a thumbs up, I subjected myself
to this kind of torture for you guys,
playing this game two days in a row.
Stay safe everybody in your quarantine,
I really want Asian food, no restaurants are open,
so stay safe in your quarantine, stay indoors,
be healthy, see you in my next video.
(upbeat music)