WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW,
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: IT IS DAY THREE OF DONALD TRUMP'S OVERSEAS TOUR
THAT WE'RE CALLING.
>> WHY IN THE WORLD IS DONALD TRUMP.
>> Stephen: THROUGHOUT THE TRIP TRUMP HAS INSISTED THAT
INSTEAD OF PROTESTS THE PEOPLE OF LONDON HAVE BEEN CHEERING.
TODAY HE WAS RIGHT BECAUSE HE LEFT.
(LAUGHTER) TRUMP IS CURRENTLY--
(APPLAUSE) TRUMP CURRENTLY IS IN IRELAND,
HAVEN'T MY PEOPLE SUFFERED ENOUGH.
(LAUGHTER) RIGHT AFTER LANDING TRUMP MET
WITH IRISH LEADER AND CELTIC POPEYE LEO VARADKAR AND I MEAN
RIGHT AFTER LANDING.
BECAUSE INSTEAD OF MEETING AT A CASTLE LIKE THE IRISH GOVERNMENT
SUGGESTED, TRUMP GREETED OUR ALLY IN THE VIP LOUNGE OF SHAN
ON AIRPORT.
-- SHANNON AIRPORT.
OH, THE GRANDEUR.
THEY RELEASED THE MENU FOR THAT STATE DINNER.
IT IS A BOTTLE OF DASANI, A BAG OF GUMMI WORMS FOLLOWED BY A
SHORT CAN OF PRINCIPLINGELS.
-- PLING ELS-- PRINGLES.
TRUMP IMMEDIATELY MADE A BOLD CLAIM.
>> MILLIONS OF IRISH, AND I THINK I KNOW MOST OF THEP,
BECAUSE THEY'RE MY FRIENDS AM WE LOVE THE IRISH.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU-- WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU KNOW
MOST OF THEM.
THERE ARE 30 MILLION IRISH AMERICANS.
I KNOW THEM ALL.
I KNOW THE LUCKY CHARMS GUY.
LIAM NEESON, FILET O'FISH, PATIO FURNITURE, ALL THE-- BEFORE HE
LEFT THE U.K. TRUMP ATTENDED THE COMMEMORATION OF THE 75th
ANNIVERSARY OF D-DAY WHERE HE READS FROM A PRAIR ORIGINAL
LEIGH DELIVERED BY FDR ON THE RADIO AND THEN REMEMBERED THAT
FATEFUL LANDING AT OAMENT AHA!
BEACH WHERE THE ALLIES FOUGHT AGAINST THE NAZIS.
>> VERY FINE PEOPLE, ON BOTH SIDES.
>> Stephen: I'M SURE HE KSH-- YEAH.
THEN IT WAS TIME TO PARTY BECAUSE AFTER TRUMP'S SOLEMN
ADDRESS DANCERS EMERGED TO THE UPBEAT STRAINS OF BOOGIE WOOGIE
BUGLE BOY OF COMPANY B, OKAY T IS A PERIOD TUNE BUT SOME SAY IT
IS NOT THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR A DAY OF SOLEMN REMEMBER AN.
BUT REMEMBER CHURCHILL'S FAMOUS WORDS AFTER DUNKIRK.
>> MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD.
IT WILL BRING THEM TO THE BEACHES, IT WILL BRING THEM TO
THE LANDING GROUND.
OF COURSE NO ONE IS A ALLOWED TO LEAVE ENGLAND WITHOUT FIRST
COMPLETING THE MANDATORY EXIT INTERVIEW WITH CHAT SHOW CHUM
BUCKET AND TV'S LOUDEST PILE OF TEETH PIERS MORGAN.
MORGAN BEGAN BY COMPLIMENTING TRUMP'S BEHAVIOR AROUND THE
ROYAL FAMILY.
>> YOU WERE USUALLY IF YOU DON'T MIND ME SAYING WELL BEHAVED, ON
BEST BEHAVIER AS IF THE QUEEN WAS SOMEBODY YOU WARRANTED TO
SHOW MAXIMUM RESPECT.
>> WELL, HAVE I IMREAT RESPECT FOR HER.
AND YES, I THINK I'M ON GOOD BEHAVIOR MOST OF THE TIME.
BUT CERTAINLY LAST NIGHT.
>> Stephen: IS THIS HOW FAR WE'VE SUNK.
WE'RE COMPLIMENTING THE PRESIDENT ON BEING WELL BEHAVED
LIKE HE'S A DOG?
WHO'S A GOODÑi PRESIDENT?
WHO'S A GOOD PRESIDENT?
WHO IS A GOOD-- YES, YOU ARE.
WHO IS A GOOD PRESIDENT?
WHO DPT HUMP THE QUEAN'S LEG.
YOU DIDN'T.
NOT, AT LEAST NOT ON CAMERA.
THEN TRUMP DESCRIBED THE EMOTIONAL MOMENT WHEN HE WALKED
INTO THE STATE DIN WE ARE THE QUEEN.
>> WHEN YOU WALK IN THERE THE MOMENT IS VERY IMPRESSIVE,
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE WALKING IN WITH THE QUEEN.
AND SHE CAN WALK AS FAST AS I CAN.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: THAT IS AN ODD COMPLIMENT OR A STRANGE
CONFESSION.
>> I HAVE THE FRAIL SHAMBLE OF A 93 YEAR OLD LADY.
SLOW DOWN, LIZ, WHEN I SWEAT MY FACE BLEEDS INTO MY SHIRT.
>> Stephen: BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE FROM WHAT HE SAYS THAT PRESIDENT
AND THE QUEEN REALLY HIT IT IT OFF.
>> LAST NIGHT WAS REALLY QUITE UNBELIEVABLE WITH THE QUEEN.
BECAUSE THAT IS A GREAT WOMAN.
WE HAD A CONVERSATION THAT LASTED FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF,
NONSTOP.
>> Stephen: OH.
I BET IT DID.
LOOK HERE'S THE DEAL, NOBODY THOUGHT I WOULD WIN WISCONSIN
BUT I DID.
AND PENNSYLVANIA.
AND MICHIGAN.
THEN THEY MADE LOW IQ LOU CLEAR LOSER, I CAN'T EVEN TALK I'M SO
MAD.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER HOSTED AT PRESENT IS AND THE RATINGS
TANKED RIGHT THROUGH THE LOST AND PEOPLE SAY I LOST MONEY ON
THE TAJ MAHAL BUT THEN AGAIN YOU THINK ABOUT THE TAX BREAK, I
MADE OUTLINING A BAN DISIT-- BANDIT AND I'M A MUCH
BETTER BASKETBALL PLAY ARE THAN OBAMA.
NOTHING BUT NET FROM HALF COURTED.
YOU KNOW WHAT, ARE YOU EASY TO TALK AT, LIZ, I LIKE YOU.
YOU ARE LIKE A LITTLE-- (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: VERSION OF MELANIA.
SHE IS OUT.
MORGAN, MORGAN THEN ASKED TRUMP ANOTHER QUESTION ABOUT ANOTHER
ROYAL.
>> PRINCE CHARLES IS A VERY PASSIONATE ABOUT ALL OF THE
ISSUES, DID HE MANAGE TO PERSUADE YOU ABOUT THE MERITS OF
THE SCIENCE ON CLIMATE CHANGE.
>> WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A 15 MINUTE CHAT.
AND IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN HOUR AND A HALF.
AND HE DID MOST OF THE TALKING.
AND HE IS REALLY INTO CLIMATE CHANGE.
AND I THINK THAT'S GREAT.
>> Stephen: EASY INTO IT, REALLY INTO CLIMATE CHANGE?
IT IS A GLOBAL CRISIS, NOT KOMBUCHA.
THEN, THEN TRUMP-- (APPLAUSE)
I'M NOT SURE IF THEY ARE CLIMATE CHANGE FANS OR KOMBUCHA FANS.
(LAUGHTER) THEN TRUMP WENT ON.
>> I WILL TELL YOU WHAT MOVED ME IS HIS PASSION FOR FUTURE
GENERATIONS.
HE'S REALLY NOT DOING THIS FOR HIM.
HE'S DOING THIS FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS.
YOU KNOW, HE IS PRINCE CHARLES.
HE DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FUTURE GENERATIONS IN THEORY,
UNLESS HE IS A VERY GOOD PERSON, WHO CARES ABOUT PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I TOTALLY DON'T GET THIS GUY.
WHY WOULD I PRINCE OR ANY LEADER CARE ABOUT THE PEOPLE OF HIS
COUNTRY.
WHAT IS THE ANGLE?
IS HE TRYING TO SELL LIKE A CLIMATE-BRANDED VODKA OR
SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
THEN TRUMP EXPLAINED WHY HE DOESN'T BELIEVE GLOBAL WARMING
IS CAUSING EXTREME WEATHER.
>> LOOK, WE HAVE A THINK NOW, TORNADOES.
I DON'T REMEMBER TORNADOES IN THE U.S. TO THE EXTENT.
BUT THEN WHEN YOU LOOK BACK 40 YEARS AGO, WE HAD THE WORST
TORNADO BINGE THAT WE'VE EVER HAD.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, A TORNADO BINGE.
WHO HASN'T-- WHO HASN'T GONE OUT FOR A TORNADO AND HAD A FEW TOO
MANY.
MAN, WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT.
WHY DOES MY MOUTH TASTE LIKE A FLATENNED TRAILER PARK.
(APPLAUSE) THE ANNIVERSARY OF D-DAY MORGAN
ASKED TRUMP ABOUT HIS OWN MILITARY A HIDE-- AVOID ANS.
>> YOU WERE NOT ABLE TO SERVE IN VIETNAM BECAUSE OF BONE SPURS,
DO YOU WISH YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SERVE AND WOULD YOU HAVE
LIKED TO.
>> I WAS NEVER A FAN OF THAT WAR.
I WILL BE HONEST WITH YOU.
I THOUGHT IT WAS A TERRIBLE WAR.
I THOUGHT IT WAS VERY FAR AWAY.
>> Stephen: YES.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: THAT IS WHAT IS HORRIBLE ABOUT WAR.
THE COMMUTE.
THERE IS A REASON THE ARMY DOESN'T HAVE LOCKING FOR HOT
WARS IN YOUR AREA?
MORGAN FINISHED WITH THE HARDEST HITTING TOPIC OF ALL.
HATS.
>> I WOULD LIKE IT TO END THE INTERVIEW, WE HAVE A LITTLE GIFT
FOR YOU.
BECAUSE WE'RE IN THE CHURCHILL BOARD, RIGHT, WHERE BRITAIN'S
GREATEST LEADER-- THE WAR AND HE USED TO WEAR THESE FAWMS, FROM
THE HAT MAKER LOCKS, AND SO WE HAD ONE MADE FOR YOU.
>> I LIKE IT.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT SURE HE ACTUALLY LIKES IT.
TRUMP IS TERRIBLE AT FAKING, WHETHER HE LIKES A GIFT.
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I ELSE I HEARD CHURCHILL REALLY LIKED?
GIFT RECEIPTS, YOU GOT ONE OF THOSE IN THERE.
(LAUGHTER) THEN CAME WHAT I BELIEVE WAS THE
INTERVIEW'S FINEST MOMENT.
>> LET ME TRY THIS ON.
>> PLEASE TRY IT ON, IT WILL BE GREAT.
>> A LITTLE BIG.
>> WE CAN GET THAT, THAT IS FANTASTIC.
>> LET ME SEE HOW THAT LOOKS.
>> Stephen: IT DOESN'T LOOK GREAT.
IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE THE SECRET PORTRAIT IN PHARRELL'S ATTIC.