Hey guys, up next we're going to talk
about seven ways you can be more
assertive, so you can stop feeling like a
pushover. Hey gents, I'm Kyle from The
Distilled Man. This channel is all about
providing actionable advice for the
everyday gentleman. So learning how to be
more assertive can massively improve
your quality of life. I mean, we can all
think of times when we know we should
speak up but we don't, or times when we
feel like we're being taken advantage of
and we just accept it.
And rarely is it as blatant as being
held up at gunpoint. Usually it's more
subtle, like a co-worker not pulling
their own weight so more work lands on
us, or a friend family member or neighbor
not respecting our boundaries, or getting
jerked around by a company when we've
gotten bad service or a defective
product, or maybe just feeling neglected
or unappreciated in a romantic
relationship. And later, we kick ourselves
thinking "if only I would have said
something." A lot of times when we just
hold it in, we don't speak up about our
needs and boundaries, and then that
frustration just builds until we explode.
Then it's even worse because we've
alienated people around us. As
psychologist Adam Galinsky describes in
his TED talk "How to Speak up for
Yourself," a lot of people feel this
double bind about expressing their needs
and boundaries. There's this sense that
if you don't speak up you're screwed, and
then if you do speak up
you're also screwed. So how do we avoid
this? The key is learning how to
communicate assertively. When you learn
to be more assertive and you can
advocate for yourself, other people
respect you more. More importantly, you
respect yourself. And no longer are you
kicking yourself for not speaking up. And
you maintain a healthier mindset because
you're not carrying around all this
resentment all the time. By the way,
there's also a companion article on my
website that goes into a bit more depth
in this topic. But if you want to just
jump right into the tactics here are
seven ways that you can start being more
assertive. So, number one, get in touch
with your own needs. So one of the
biggest barriers to expressing your
needs is not knowing what they are. A lot
of people are trapped in this
frustrating situation where they don't
know what their needs and boundaries are,
but then things don't go the way they
want them to, they get upset with the
situation, they claim that people are
treating them badly, and then meanwhile
the other people have no idea why their
panties are in a bunch.
But it's not really fair to other people
if you can't articulate your own needs.
So pay close attention to yourself and
evaluate: What are my triggers? What makes
my blood pressure rise? What are my
minimum requirements for physical
comfort? What are my strong preferences,
either positive or negative? What are my
boundaries? What makes me feel "ick" or
disrespected? These don't have to be
dramatic things either. I mean sometimes
our biggest stressors are tiny
annoyances that lurk just below the
surface for years. Because I worked as a
waiter throughout college and later in
client services in advertising, bad
service is a really big trigger for me.
And I used to really let it get under my
skin. But now that I'm aware that it's a
trigger, I deal with it in a much
healthier way. So rather than letting a
bad customer service experience
ruin my day, I'm able to respond a little
bit better. So either (A) I sort of catch
myself thinking "okay, you know what, this
person is probably just overwhelmed,
they're probably not meaning to be rude
or disrespectful." Or (B) I calmly
provide constructive feedback to either
that person or to their supervisor.
Another thing I finally discovered deep
into adulthood is that during the
holidays I'm much happier if I can limit
family time to about three to four days
max. So family time is great but
being able to quickly get back and have
some "me" time and have some time with my
wife is critical for my sanity. Once
you've taken the first step of
identifying your needs, now you need to
effectively communicate them to other
people.
Number two, be confident if your ask is
reasonable. So one thing that really
keeps people from communicating
assertively is when they don't think
that their needs are valid. So assuming
your ask is reasonable, be confident
communicating it to other people. You
shouldn't feel guilty telling people
what you need as long as it's not
something ridiculous or something that
severely inconveniences other people.
Let's say your colleague has decided to
blow off work on Friday for a
last-minute ski trip. He sends you a
hastily written email and asks if you can
take care of two key tasks for him that
day. He's covered for you before, so you
don't really feel right saying no. But
you also feel like he's crossed a line
because he's thrown this into your lap
last minute. So you can reply "Hey Bill,
Happy to help you out this time, but in
the future I'd really appreciate it if
you could give me 48 hours and notice,
and that way I can make sure that I can
handle
the additional workload." Since your
request is reasonable, Bill can't help
but agree. And rather than silently be a
martyr, you feel better because you stuck
up for yourself. But more importantly, you
set some ground rules for how you're
willing to help in the future. Number
three, see the other person's point of
view. So even though a big part of being
assertive is zeroing in on your needs,
you'll be much more effective
communicating them if you can consider
other people's needs as well. Recognizing
the needs and interests of the other
person can give you leverage to get what
you want. And of course this is an
age-old negotiating technique: looking
for ways to find "win-win" situations. When
you see the other person's perspective,
it may help you identify something that
you can give them in exchange, or it may
just help demonstrate that what you're
asking for is reasonable in the grand
scheme of things. To do this, you need to
cultivate a genuine empathy for the
other person. Don't assume they're trying
to screw you. You know they're just being
self-interested like you are. So going
back to that example from the co-worker
a moment ago, I think it helps to
understand Bill's motivations: "Look Bill,
I know you want to ski as often as you
can when the powder is good, and I'm
happy to scratch your back (Lord knows
you've helped me out). But the thing is,
we've got to give each other more heads
up on stuff like this, otherwise balls
are gonna start to drop. And if you and I
get fired, then neither of us is gonna be
able to afford a ski weekend."
Number four, signal flexibility by
providing options. So one thing that can
happen when people lay down the law
you know about their needs or
boundaries, is that they can come across
as overly rigid or unreasonable. And of
course that can backfire. So the key,
according to Adam Galinsky,
is to provide options. Rather than saying
"this is how it has to be," you appear more
reasonable if you can offer up a couple
different solutions for ways to solve
the problem. And now the key of course is
to make sure that the solutions you
offer up are consistent with your needs
and boundaries. Back in my advertising
days I'd use this technique all the time
to push back on clients. So, often a VP of
Marketing would ask me "hey listen, do you
think we can do this spread ad for
$50,000 instead of $80,000?" Rather than
just say no, I would say something like "I
don't think we can, you know, do a
two-page spread for that budget, but you
know, if cost is a concern we could
consider maybe changing this to a single
page ad which would, you know, reduce the
budget. Or we could also look at
potentially limiting the number of
revisions that your team gets, which wouldn't get
us to $50k, but at least would shave off a
few dollars." Without consciously
realizing it, I was being assertive that
our basic project rates weren't
negotiable. I mean, I couldn't just give
them a discount because they wanted to
pay less. But rather than say that to
them, because I offered up some other
solutions for ways to potentially solve
their issue, I was able to maintain our
boundaries as a company while still
keeping the client relationship intact.
Number five,
keep your delivery calm. So it may sound
like a sort of "duh" recommendation, but
keeping your cool is critical to
assertive communication. Because even if
you're making a legitimate or reasonable
request, if you do it in an emotional or
escalated way it's gonna backfire on you.
When you're yelling at the top of your
lungs and that vein in your forehead
starts pulsating, you no longer seem
reasonable. You seem aggressive, and
the other person is gonna just shut down
or become aggressive right back. And when
that happens, guess what? They're gonna be
a lot less likely to accommodate you or
even meet you halfway. It's just human
nature. So work on maintaining that
friendly volume, work on slowing down
your speech, and maintaining that calm
tone of voice. Number six, make yourself
the scapegoat. So when you're
communicating assertively, sometimes
you're forced to confront other people's
behaviors. But the thing is, people are
sensitive and they don't like being
called out. So in that situation, it's
good to soften the delivery with the
right language. First, avoid making any
broad-sweeping generalizations like "you
always bla bla bla" or "you never pull
your own weight." And secondly, try to
focus your observations of the situation
and your argument on you rather than on them.
So it's much less accusatory if you
could say things like "I feel" or "in my
experience" or "my view is." Ultimately,
being assertive is all about you anyway.
According to The Assertiveness Workbook,
being assertive means making your own
decisions about what you will and will
not do and accepting the consequences
and responsibility for your behavior." And
this can be an advantage if you're asked
to justify your needs or boundaries, if
someone asks you why, just make yourself
the scapegoat. You can explain your needs
as matter-of-factly as though they were,
you know, fundamental requirements
that can't be violated. Because in your
case, maybe they are fundamental for your
sanity. In the book, How to
Say No Without Feeling Guilty, Patti
Brightman and Connie Hatch actually go a
step further, saying that you should use
the phrase "I have a policy...." This approach
can be extremely helpful when you're
feeling pressured to do something or
make a decision on the spot. So you could
say something like "I'm sorry, but I have
a policy that I can't buy anything from
door to door salesman." or "Gosh, you know
what, I'd love to help you guys out but I
have a policy that I can't do same
same-day business travel without an
overnight hotel stay. Gotta get my beauty
rest!" It's almost comical, but talking
about your own fundamental needs and
policies as though they've been, you know,
dictated by some higher authority makes
people less likely to question them.
Because you respect your boundaries,
other people respect them too.
Number seven, use the broken record
technique. Now, this approach can be
really really useful when you're dealing
with a company or customer service and
you're not getting what you want.
And it's basically what it sounds like:
continuing to repeat your request over
and over again very very calmly. Calmly
being the operative word.
Let's say you're picking up your clothes
from the dry cleaner and one of your
shirts mysteriously ends up ripped. And
at first the staff is defensive, saying
oh the fabric was old and, you know, they
shouldn't have to compensate you. Rather
than reacting to this initial roadblock
and hurling expletives at them, you
continue to make a specific request. You
say something like "well, I'd appreciate
it if you could give me a discount on
the cleaning." or "well, I really think you
should still deduct 15 dollars from the
bill." You continue to repeat variations
on that specific request, and if possible
you can add in new information each time
you repeat it to help sort of buttress
your argument. So for example you could
say something like "again, I've been a
loyal customer for many years so I'd
really appreciate it if you could give
me a discount just as a gesture of
goodwill." So the other important thing is
to make sure that your request is
specific enough and that it's
actually a request, not just a comment.
So the broken record technique would
work a lot worse in this situation with
the dry cleaner if you were just repeating
the phrase "yeah, well you guys really
messed up my shirt" or "yeah, well I really
think you guys screwed me over here!"
There's not a specific ask there so it's
not gonna be as effective. Sidenote: in
the past, I've actually used the broken
record technique to ask for and receive
substantial raises back when I worked in
advertising. Again, if you maintain that
calm persistence and keep repeating that
specific ask,
this approach can be really really
successful. So that's it, gentlemen: seven
ways you can start communicating more
assertively. And again, if you want more
information, you can check out the
article on my website that has a bit
more information about assertive
communication. Let me know what you guys
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I'll see you soon.
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