I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it
because that means that you watched the foot come
to your face. (audience laughing)
You got to be a asshole to fight somebody using their feet.
The person I saw get kicked in the face,
the reason why I laughed is because when he got kicked,
he looked at us for confirmation.
(audience laughing)
Like he needed approval on what just happened.
He's was like, "Ah, yo, shit, yo!"
(audience laughing)
It was him, yeah.
You better look at his other foot 'fore he kick you again.
He's good, that guy's good.
He knows what he's doing.
Would you fight somebody using their feet, man?
Like, if we go to fight, I'ma tell you put your hands up.
Put your hands up, let's fight.
Now if I gotta fight you and you start stretching
(audience laughing)
that mean you know some shit I don't know.
I'm not gonna fight you.
I had a incident where a guy started, well, he tried.
He didn't use it on me,
but he going to attempt to use his feet.
I was with my mom, right?
Me and my mom, we in the parking lot at Best Buy.
I'm looking for a parking space.
Now, all the spaces was taken,
but there was one truck about to back into his parking spot
but it was taking too long
so I got mad, I stole it, I whipped into the spot real fast
"ah, ah" like you know when you wrong
'cause you put your head down and roll your windows up.
You, don't wanna look at him, you start humming.
(humming) (audience laughs)
Out of nowhere the guy got out of the truck,
he was like "Yo man, I know you saw me about to back
into that spot either you back out
or we gonna have a problem."
Chinese guy, alright?
Now I'm with my mom, so I ain't gon' be no bitch
so I was like "well I guess we got a problem."
This is how I know I didn't want this problem.
This is exactly what he did to me.
He was like "oh, so we got a problem, do we?"
(audience laughs)
Al, Al got mad at me 'cause I live in LA.
He said "Kevin you out here in Hollywood,
doing God knows what.
Sex,
drugs,
money.
Lord knows what you're in to.
You need to get a relationship with God."
I said dude don't talk to me about God, I'm fine, okay?
You the one that was on drugs,
you get a relationship with God.
He got mad, now anytime he get mad,
he always gotta bring up some dark shit from his past
that nobody needs to know.
Out of nowhere he said, "Kevin let me tell you something,
I know I was drugs, BUT I found Jesus.
Granted, I didn't know him when I was out
there sucking dick for money, but I'll tell you something".
I said "wait a minute, wait a minute,
hold, first of all you're not gonna speed past that
like you didn't just say what you just said."
I said "when was this, what year was this?"
He said, "it was in the eighties, everybody was doing it".
This is the shit that piss me off, "he said.
"Your dad was back there with me" I said "what!"
My dad was like "all right, all right, all right.
Hey, you gonna learn today!"
Uh, no the fuck, I'm not!
You gon' keep that lesson to yourself.
How come nothing good ever happens at work?
It's always bad, "Babe let me tell you about this bitch
Sabrina, at the office today.
Okay, first of all she comes in office
with white stockings on and black shoes,
"uh excuse me bitch, Labor day is over.
Huh, excuse me, boop, thank you, backspace, delete that."
Then y'all start talking about problems going on
in the office, we don't fucking know.
"Let me tell you what she did babe, she come to me
talking about uh can you go print this out the fax machine."
"Uh, no I am an executive administrative assistant,
not your assistant."
We gotta act like we know what's going on.
What? (audience laughs)
She told you to print it out the fax machine?
Uh uh, no she didn't that bitch is crazy, not my baby.
"Thank you," then y'all turn into the computers,
"Thank you, I told the bitch, boop, backspace, no, LOL,
RTOFMAO, thank you, delete that,
NTFOMOFOHS!"
Out of nowhere my friend Joey goes,
"You better be lucky we don't have a ping pong table,
if we did, I will bust all y'all ass."
I said bet money bitch, that's me
and my friends biggest problem, we're competitive.
The word bet, sets off that competitive nature.
I said, bet money bitch.
Harry said bet.
Wayne, bet.
Spank, bet.
Joey, bet.
Bitch bet, bet, bet, mother fucker bet,
bet, nigga bet, bet, bet it bitch, bet, bet,
fuck you bet, bet.
(audience laughing)
We get in the car, we drive to Walmart.
We drive to Walmart, we buy a ping pong table.
We go back to Joey's house,
we set the ping pong table up in the kitchen.
We get to playing ping pong.
Our game looks nothing like the game,
that we were watching on TV
So we decided to add alcohol into the mix.
Hit the ball into the net, gotta take a shot.
You get slammed on, gotta take two shots.
You get slammed on and you miss the ball completely,
gotta take three shots.
Somewhere along the line the game got so competitive,
that Joey decided to cut his jeans into jean shorts,
'cause he said he wasn't getting enough lateral movement
in the house.
Here's the fucked up part about that,
it was Joey's house, all Joey had to do
is go upstairs, and change into a pair
of goddamn jean shorts.
I wake up in the middle of the night,
my stomach is killing me, I call the front desk.
A woman picked up the phone she said,
"Hello, front desk may I help you?"
It's the first time that I heard English
outside of my friends, since I've been to Japan.
You woulda thought that I was Tom Hanks, in Cast Away.
I, lost it.
(dramatic cries) (audience laughs)
Chicken!
Please, chicken!
She was like, "sir calm down, calm down.
What room are you in?"
I don't, I don't know, I don't know.
She said, "Look at the phone,
your room number is on the phone."
Okay, I'm, I'm in room, I'm in room
line line dash cross house?
I don't know how to read it.
It looks like a, it looks like an abandoned building
with no windows, made out of bamboo sticks,
I don't know,
so excited,
I don't know.
Help!
Did you get it, did you get the joke?
You got it?
'Cause the way they right they numbers, you got it?
I just felt like you shoulda gave a bigger laugh
I don't think your laugh is, is what it shoulda been now.
True story people, exactly what I do.
Get in the shower, get dressed, get in my car,
start driving to the store.
On the way to the store, I hit a speed bump,
when I hit the speed bump,
I hear a lotta noise in the trunk.
(loud booming)
That's weird, I ain't put shit in the trunk.
The fuck is all that noise, in the goddamn trunk?
I'm small, I get scared fast.
So, I get out the car, I pop the trunk,
this some true shit, I pop the trunk, when I pop the trunk,
this bitch was stooped down in the trunk like this,
looking at me.
I see her in the goddamn trunk.
I see her see me see her, in the goddamn trunk.
I just caught you, in the trunk of my car.
You gotta say something to justify
what the fuck I'm looking at.
The fuck are you doing in the goddamn trunk?
With a straight face, she looks at me,
jumps out the trunk, rolls her eyes
and takes off, as if I never saw her.
Now let me tell you why I had a attitude.
I had a attitude because we live together,
like I'm gonna see you tonight.
We have to address this, at some point in time.
I said no fuck that, we're gonna talk about this right now.
I get in the car, I drive home.
Here's where it gets crazier.
When I get home, she in the kitchen cooking, right?
I walk in the house, she said, "hey baby, you hungry?"
Bitch, what the?
Oh, wait, I don't wanna talk about no goddamn food.
I wanna talk about why I popped the trunk
and you popped out the goddamn trunk
like a goddamn Jack in the Box.
The fuck were you doing, in the goddamn trunk?
With a straight face she looked at me, she said,
"I wasn't in no goddamn trunk." (audience laughs)
(upbeat music)