In the current age, we have countless options to flee from our psychological problems.
Substances, sex, food, gambling, you name it.
And if these don’t do it, we can get the doctor to prescribe medication for us.
The problem is that these are just temporary fixes, that mute the symptoms to a certain
degree, that, more often than not, return in full force.
Luckily, there are ways to fix ourselves, or more specifically, fix ‘the self’,
so we can be liberated from the chains of neurosis, and reach our full potential.
In this video, I’d like to talk psychological ideas and methods to gain self-knowledge and
turn that into self-realization.
Karen Horney was a Neo-Freudian psychoanalyst, who saw ‘neurosis’ as the main obstacle
in the process of self-realization.
In order to live up to our full potential, we must overcome our neurosis and, therefore,
face our existing mental conflicts that block us from genuine personal development.
The word ‘neurosis’, however, is rarely used in modern psychology.
Nonetheless, we can speak of symptoms that are involved with neurosis, like anxiety,
depression, irritability, obsessive-compulsive disorders, or different phobias.
Neurosis can be summarized as a structurally ineffective way to handle life’s problems.
Horney saw it as a distorted way of looking at the world and oneself, which leads to a
set of compulsive needs that prevent the person from experiencing the world in a genuine way.
According to Horney, a healthy person strives for self-realization: a transformation that
requires a realistic view of one’s own potential and matching goals to reach that potential.
Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung also held self-realization in high regard, believing that this process,
also called individuation, is the main goal in life.
A neurotic person, however, is so preoccupied with compulsive, ineffective coping mechanisms,
that there’s no room left for true self-realization.
So, before we move on to the methods to turn neurosis into self-realization, let’s take
a look at the following question: how does one become neurotic?
Horney observed that neuroticism stems from childhood experiences.
At the basis of the formation of our personalities lie social as well as cultural conditions.
For example: as children, we need a certain amount of affection, security, love, et cetera,
to develop into “healthy” individuals that don’t exhibit an extreme reliance on
coping mechanisms.
When these needs aren’t met in childhood, this can lead to what Horney called ‘basic
hostility’ and ‘basic anxiety’.
These conditions will dominate the ways in which the affected individuals deal with their
daily lives.
Let’s talk about these negative coping mechanisms and the so-called ‘neurotic needs’.
In our lifetime we develop several coping mechanisms when it comes to dealing with people.
These mechanisms can be subdivided into three categories according to Horney, also known
as the three neurotic trends:
(1) Moving towards people (2) Moving against people
(3) Moving away from people
These mechanisms are normal; everyone uses them to some degree.
Problems arise when someone overuses these coping strategies, which indicates that that
person is neurotic.
Repeating the same unproductive coping strategies over and over again leads to a vicious cycle.
In the book Self-Analysis (1942), Horney identified a series of so-called neurotic needs, that
all belong in one of the three categories of coping mechanisms.
One of these neurotic needs is ‘the need for affection and approval’, which belongs
in the category ‘moving towards people’.
There’s nothing wrong with needing affection and approval to some degree, but the neurotic
craves it in a self-destructive way.
Individuals with this need are extremely sensitive to criticism and rejection, and make ‘people-pleasing’
and ‘being liked’ the center of their world.
Of course, this leaves them open to exploitation and abuse.
The root of this need is anxiety; the fear of being excluded or being alone.
‘The neurotic need for power’ belongs in the category ‘moving against people’.
Power seekers are moving against others in order to gain control.
They often need to complete, exploit, and defeat, in order to change the environment
to their favor.
They very much fear things like helplessness, incompetence, worthlessness, violation, and
this fear enforces their need for control, self-protection, and achievement.
Moving away from people can manifest in an extreme need for self-preservation and an
unrealistic desire for independence.
A neurotic need that belongs to this category is the need for self-sufficiency and independence.
Individuals with this need tend to distance themselves from other people, as a way to
decrease the chances of being hurt.
These are the typical “loner” types.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with solitude, and spending time alone can be a great vessel
towards personal growth.
However, excessive isolation may be a sign of neuroticism.
According to Horney, the reason why neurotic people are stuck when it comes to self-realization
is that they have a mental block caused by a need for perfection.
For the neurotic, self-realization means the actualization of their ‘ideal’ self.
This perfection manifests in the three neurotic trends.
The perfectionist that moves towards people, will behave as overly compliant and as a people
pleaser, in return for being liked.
The problem with this behavior is that we cannot control the world around us, as the
Stoics would emphasize, including what people think, so it's impossible to be liked by everyone.
The perfectionist that moves against people, searches for glory, even if this is at the
expense of other people.
They want to be at the top, to be admired, and to be the best all the time.
But glory is just temporary.
Even if we reach the top, it's just a matter of time before we get replaced.
Also, admiration by other people is beyond our control.
Moreover, if we let our self-worth depend on external validation, we are in a very unstable position.
The perfectionist that moves away from people, wants to be wise and self-sufficient,
in ways that are almost superhuman.
This is an impossible goal to reach because, in many ways, we are dependent on and intertwined
with the world around us.
No man is an island.
In many situations, we need support from others or need to work together to move forward.
Neurotics experience a big gap between their real self and their ideal self, which is almost
impossible to bridge.
Therefore, these individuals set unrealistic goals, followed by consistent failure.
They are stuck in a vicious cycle, which can very well go together with a victim mentality,
and a lack of responsibility for one’s own predicament.
In order to escape the vicious cycle, truthfulness about one's potential is essential.
I quote:
“Man, by his very nature and of his own accord, strives toward self-realization, and
that his set of values evolves from such striving.
Apparently, he cannot, for example, develop his full human potentialities unless he is
truthful to himself; unless he is active and productive; unless he relates himself to others
in the spirit of mutuality.
Apparently he cannot grow if he indulges in a “dark idolatry of self” and consistently
attributes all his own shortcomings to the deficiencies of others.
He can grow, in the true sense, only if he assumes responsibility for himself.”
End quote.
Now, I’d like to propose a few practical steps towards self-realization, based on the
previous part of the video.
(1) Discovering who you are
The logical first step of self-realization is the determination of the real, current
self, in all honesty, and detail.
People with neurosis are often in denial, and their false pride and cognitive dissonance
block their view of who they truly are.
It’s impossible to self-realize without self-acceptance, and it’s impossible to
accept oneself if one refuses to see who he or she truly is.
As Horney states and I quote:
“If a person has had sufficient courage to discover an unpleasant truth about himself,
one may safely trust his courage to be strong enough to carry him through.”
End quote.
Luckily there are many ways to gain self-knowledge, and we could work together with a therapist,
or engage in self-therapy to achieve this.
A Carl Jung based personality test named the 'Big Five' can give us insight in traits like
neuroticism and introversion.
A Jungian method named shadow work is aimed at discovering unwanted characteristics that
linger in the unconscious.
There's also meditation, and journaling, that can help us to become more aware of our bodily
sensations and thought processes.
Another method used in modern psychology is the Enneagram of Personality, which is a ninefold
system of different personalities along with their weaknesses, basic emotions, ego fixations,
et cetera.
Even though none of these methods are perfect, they can be great guides for gaining self-knowledge
and determining our personalities.
In the process of self-discovery, the neurotics may come to the conclusion that their idea
of self strongly deviates from reality, and that the pursuit of the idealized self does
more harm than good.
Only if we are truthful and accepting of our behavior, including the things that block
our growth, we can proceed with the next step.
I quote:
“Briefly, he must overcome all those needs, drives, or attitudes which obstruct his growth:
only when he begins to relinquish his illusions about himself and his illusionary goals has
he a chance to find his real potentialities and to develop them.
Only to the extent to which he gives up his false pride can he become less hostile to
himself and evolve a solid self-confidence.
Only as his shoulds lose their coercive power can he discover his real feelings, wishes,
beliefs, and ideals.
Only when he faces his existing conflicts has he the chance for a real integration – and so forth.”
End quote.
The second step is...
(2) Creating the right circumstances
When we have gained sufficient knowledge about our personalities, we can start to determine
the right circumstances for personal growth.
According to the ancient Stoics, the end goal Eudaimonia - which means flourishing - is
only achieved when we live in accordance with nature.
With nature, they mean our own nature and the nature of the universe.
By gaining self-knowledge we learn about our individual nature, how this relates to the
world, and what the ideal circumstances are in order for us to flourish.
For example: an introverted and observer-type of personality can flourish in solitude, and
an extrovert can flourish in more social settings.
Another example are people that are high in openness and high in neuroticism, that will
optimally realize their creativity when they increase their conscientiousness.
In practice, this means an emphasis on order and structure.
Lastly, it is important to (3) aim for the right things.
From a Taoist point of view, we may want to choose to swim along with the river stream,
in other words, take the path of least resistance that fits our nature best.
This does not mean taking a path of mediocrity; it means that we excel in the traits we already
possess.
It is more convenient to emphasize our strengths than consequently trying to repair ourselves
and to fundamentally change who we are.
However, oftentimes it is recommended to develop traits that we are not naturally inclined towards.
People that are neurotically inclined to hide from others, may want to develop social skills.
People that are inclined to exploit, and dominate others for their own gain, may want to develop
compassion and humility.
There is no one way that suits everyone.
Part of self-realization is forging our own unique path, and not walking existing ones.
I quote Horney:
“To find a mountain path all by oneself gives a greater feeling of strength than to
take a path that is shown.”
End quote.
Self-realization often means facing our fears, changing our habits, breaking patterns, and
making mistakes along the way.
We can choose a path of mediocrity and security, and proceed walking the same path over and
over again, knowing that it won’t lead us anywhere.
This is the safe route, yes, but it will also lead to self-hatred in the end.
Rightfully so, Carl Jung called this the road of death.
I quote:
“There is no guarantee - not for a single moment - that we will not fall into error
or stumble into deadly peril.
We may think there is a sure road.
But that would be the road of death.
Then nothing happens any longer - at any rate, not the right things.
Anyone who takes the sure road is as good as dead.”
Thank you for watching.