-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you so much for being here.
Well, guys, airports are about
to see their busiest holiday travel season ever,
but the CEO of Southwest has vowed that there will not
be a repeat of last year's holiday travel meltdown.
No. Yeah, they came up with the perfect plan.
Now, when you buy a ticket on Southwest,
they immediately book you on JetBlue.
[ Laughter ]
Yes, Southwest said that they're ready for the holiday rush,
although their solution isn't more flights.
It's asking everyone to celebrate Christmas
a few months later. Yeah.
"How's August work for you?" Yeah.
The C.E.O. of Southwest said
that they are absolutely ready for the winter,
which means your flight will still be canceled,
but every plane will have a scarf and earmuffs.
[ Laughter ] That's pretty cool.
That's cute.
Well, some news from Washington. Last night, House Republicans
voted to open an impeachment inquiry into President Biden.
Yeah, the votes were unanimous.
221 Republicans and one Kamala Harris.
[ Laughter ]
So far, Republicans haven't produced
any evidence against Biden. You can tell they're desperate.
They just subpoenaed the White House Elf on the Shelf.
[ Laughter ] "Come on.
We know you know something.
You ziplined into his popcorn yesterday."
[ Laughter ]
This could be the country's third impeachment in four years.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
It's not great that we're pumping out impeachments
like their "Fast and Furious" sequels.
You know? [ Laughter ]
"Impeachment 3: Tokyo Drift."
[ Laughter ]
Well, last night in Iowa, former president Trump
held a campaign rally where he bragged
that the White House doctor once told him
he was healthier than Obama.
[ Laughter ]
The only way that's true is if Trump
thinks your weight is your health score.
It's like, "Yeah, I beat him by 200.
Clearly a winner." [ Laughter ]
Yep, Trump claims to be healthier than Obama.
I don't know. When Obama gets on a surfboard,
he looks like this.
Uh... [ Cheering ]
When Trump gets on a surfboard,
sea levels rise 6 inches.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, Ron DeSantis just asked Sean Hannity
to arrange a head-to-head debate between him and Trump.
Yeah, well, it's Ron DeSantis, so it wouldn't be head-to-head,
it would be head-to-belly button.
"Speak up, Ron."
I'd watch that. I'd love to see
a two-hour debate between two guys who can't stand normally.
[ Laughter ]
Well, I saw a new poll that shows that very few Americans
are excited about a possible rematch between Biden and Trump.
People are not excited. The poll is pretty crazy.
The poll also showed that people are --
what they're actually more excited for.
-Really? -Yeah, people are more excited
for an old-fashioned
"wide awake" colonoscopy.
[ Laughter ]
Let's just do it. -Go. Go for it.
[ Laughter ]
Old-fashioned. -They are more excited --
They don't want to see Biden-Trump.
-Yeah. -They're more excited for
a text from bae that says,
"Can we talk?" -Oh!
-That can't be good. -Yeah.
It can't be good when bae says that.
They're even more excited for
opening a public bathroom stall
and realizing the handle is wet.
[ Audience groans ]
And, finally, they're also more excited
for actually seeing mommy
kissing Santa Claus.
No one wants to see that.
That's -- We don't want to see any of that.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Some news from overseas.
Today, during his annual televised call-in show,
Vladimir Putin denied rumors
that he's been using a body double.
Putin said people might be thinking
of his non-identical twin, Mary Kate Putin.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Russian accent ] You got it, dude.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Well, here's some good news.
This week, the stock market hit an all-time high.
Yeah. That's good. [ Cheers and applause ]
A lot of companies are doing well right now,
and we thought we'd take a look at why.
For instance, Stanley water bottle stock is up.
[ Laughter ] -Whoo!
Because it's a mom-hack for pounding pinot
at the kids' hockey practice.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
That's why it's up now.
[ Cheers and applause ]
FAO Schwarz's stock is up because Nick cannon said,
"Okay, kids, you can each pick one toy."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Here's another -- Taco Bell's stock is up
because legal weed.
Yeah, there you go. Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Next up, Patagonia's stock is up because finance bros
wear puffy vests 24/7 this time of year.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Here's another -- Blue Yeti microphone's
stock is up because there's literally only seven Americans
left who do not have their own podcast.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Amazing.
And, finally, Amazon's stock is up
because you couldn't stop buying things from them if you tried.
They own you, and they know it.
You are their simp. Add that to your cart, bish.
-Wow! [ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-Aggressive. That's aggressive.
-That was on the report?
Yeah, it was in the poll, yeah.
Get this. Coca Cola just recalled
2,000 cases of Diet Coke, Sprite, and Fanta Orange
'cause there may have been foreign material in the cans.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
Yeah. And when offered Pepsi instead,
people still said, "You know what?
I'm gonna take my chances."
[ Laughter ]
"As long as it's not a Mentos, I'm gonna be all right."
Some entertainment news.
It was just announced that Mattel and Paramount
are teaming up to make a live-action
American Girl Doll movie.
Yeah, it's really exciting news for all the big
American Girl Doll fans out there.
Of course, it'll be fun for casual fans,
but it's extra special for the super fans
who own like 50 or 60 American Girl Dolls.
I'm talking about the people that buy the outfits,
host tea parties, brush their doll's hair
every night before bed, so get pumped for the movie.
But please stop sending audition videos
where you dress up like the dolls, all right?
All right, moving on. Let's move on.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Thank you. I agree.
[ Laughing ] Switching...
[ Laughter ]
-Hi, James. How you doing, man?
Switching gears, Idaho just got their first
In-N-Out Burger. -Oh.
-Yeah, and customers started lining up 30 hours
before the grand opening. -Oh.
-30 hours. Yeah.
But one guy still got to the front and was like,
"Mm, now I don't know what I should get."
[ Laughter ]
Finally, guys --
"Should I get the Double Burger? I don't..."
[ Laughter ]
"How big is it compared to the Single?"
Guys, we have exactly seven shows left
before we go on Christmas break, which means it is time
for that beloved "Tonight Show" tradition.
It is time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters"!
-♪ 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters ♪
♪ Seven days left ♪
-That is right!
Every show between now and Christmas,
we'll be giving one lucky audience member...
[ Cheers and applause ]
...a bodacious Christmas sweater
from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.
Since there are seven shows left,
let's open door number 7.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
Ooh, this is gonna be -- Yeah, sure.
Whenever you're ready.
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you very much.
Got some heft.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Got some heft to it there.
There you go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Think it weighs...
This has to weigh 50 pounds.
This might be like a weighted blanket.
A weighted sweater. It's the new thing.
Now let's see who's going home with tonight's sweater.
Everyone, look at your seat number.
If I call your number,
I need you to jump up and let me know where you are.
Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?
Here we go, everybody. Good luck!
[ Drumroll ]
Who wants a sweater?!
[ Cheers and applause ]
260!
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Come on over!
♪♪
How you doin'? Hi!
-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you. Uh, what is your name?
-Divya. -Divya?
-Yeah. -And where are you from?
-Uh, from here. -Yeah. You're from New York?
-Yeah. -Well, hey, thanks for
making the -- making the drive over,
taking the subway over.
It's a little chilly out there today, wouldn't you say?
-It is, yeah. -I mean, this is a beautiful
sweater you have here, but this is something.
Uh, do you have anything like this in your closet?
-No. Can't say I do.
-No, but it kind of goes with everything, doesn't it?
-It does. -I mean, let's see.
You got the cool Nikes on here. -Yeah.
-Let me see the swoosh on these guys.
It kind of matches a little bit with that.
Not bad. Do you want -- Do you want to try this on?
-Sure. -Yeah, I think you should.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's very heavy, so...
Good luck.
See you on the other side.
[ Laughter ]
Are you okay?
Oh, wow! Look at that.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughs ]
Oh, my God. Wow!
Look how good you look.
Fantastic. [ Cheers and applause ]
You feel good? -Yeah.
-Yeah, you look good. Thank you so much
for being here. I appreciate it.
Stick around. When we come back,
we're gonna talk to Billie Eilish, everybody.
Come on back.