Have you been wondering how to get someone help for anger management? I've
got some tips for you. A few years ago, I was doing a home improvement project
that involved some plumbing. I'm not a plumber, I'm a psychologist so I had to
get a little bit of consultation. I called my dad. My dad said, "Paul, there's
only 2 things you need to know about plumbing.
2 rules. Rule number 1. Water runs downhill. Kind of knew that already.
Rule number 2. Don't lick your fingers." Now, I chuckled a little bit because he
was just trying to be funny. But you know what? That holds some relevance for what
we're talking about here today. I think in psychology, there's 2 basic rules as
well. First of all, the water runs downhill rule. Some things you control
other things you don't. We clear about that? Now, let's go to rule number 2.
This is the don't lick your fingers rule. Pay attention to the stuff you do
control. What about anger management? You know people who could use this, right?
Some things you control, other things you don't. If we're talking about your child
over whom you have authority and some level of control, then just set it up,
make it happen, go get some help. If you control it. Now, if we're dealing with an
adult or an older child, we may not have that level of control. What if it's a
co-worker? You don't have that level of control. So, the first distinction that is
important to make here is do I control this or not? If you control it, just take
care of it. If you don't, that's why we're having this conversation, right? Because
if we don't control it, our only hope is to have influence over that person's
choices. They need to choose to do it, we're hoping to influence
them to do so. So let's cover 4 quick steps that will help us if we're in that
kind of a position. Number 1, do your homework. Do some research and some
diligence to figure out what kind of resources are available in your area
or in that person's area for anger management. There's classes, there are
counselors, there are professionals who deal with this stuff all the time. Find
out what's available first. That becomes important because of the other steps. So
let's go to step number 2. Approach them in love and compassion. This takes
down some of the defenses. If you approach them in an accusat,ory way
what's going to happen? Shields are going to come up, right? And if
this person already has some anger issues, probably they're going to turn this
back on you. And you get to be blamed for how they're feeling right now. We don't
want to get into that trap. So approach them with as much love and compassion as
you can possibly muster. And then from that position, ask their permission. That
might sound so simple and it is. It's simple but simple and easy aren't the
same thing. When you ask for permission it helps to bring down additional
defenses that might still be there. And it does another important psychological
thing. And that is you get some buy-in. If they grant you permission, they have
already said yes to you. So, we're... What are we asking permission for? You're
asking them for permission to share some observations or to give them some
feedback. So, it would sound something like this: "Can I have your permission to
share some observations with you? Do I have your permission to give you a
little bit of feedback? Would that be okay with you?" Now,
if they say no, don't argue with them. Just back off.
In fact, you might take an approach of saying, "Okay, thank you. Let me know if you
change your mind about that." See? That puts you in a position where you're not
trying to cram something down their throat. You're simply asking for their
permission and when they grant it, then you can move forward to diplomatically
share with them that their behaviors having an impact on you or on their work
or whatever the context is. As you diplomatically and lovingly give this
feedback, let's go to tip number 4 which is to paint a picture of the
outcome. What would it look like if they got on top of this? If they were able to
resolve it? Help them to see the vision of that. Seeing the vision of what is
possible makes it much more likely that they are going to actually receive or
accept the help that you can share with them because you've already done your
research about who's available or what's available to help them out with this
particular issue. They'll be more open to that. Now, before we wrap this video up, a
few words about the resources. There is an abundance out there of resource
available for people who need some anger management help. I've already mentioned
psychologists, social workers, counselors, therapists. Don't just hire anyone. Call
them up, interview them. See if this is something that they work with on a
regular basis. Ask them about their approach. How they would handle something
like this? This is an important referral for you. So, do a little bit of shopping.
And you're in charge. I tell all of my clients right up front. You can fire me
at will. And they chuckle sometimes. But you know what? I really feel that way. I
think I'm working for you not the other way around. And anybody that you hire as
a professional should have that same
approach. If they don't, keep shopping. Because there are a lot of possibilities
out there. Coaching is something that is getting a lot more traction nowadays and
there are experts out there who can help you with anger management, for example.
Who are not licensed therapists. Now, there's upsides and downsides to that.
But as you explore some of the options that are available, you might find some
that you hadn't anticipated before. It takes a little bit of shopping to get
there. Getting help for someone else, that can be a tricky thing. Hopefully these
tips have helped you. If you're looking for some coaching resources, go to
lineonpurpose.coach not dot com. Dot coach. liveonpurpose.coach is a resource that
i've put together with some of my licensees and people who are involved in
my coaching program. I think you might find some resources there.