(upbeat music)
- Just a night out on the hog.
(laughing)
Hey, hey, Mark Normand here from New Orleans, Louisiana
and I'm a comedian mediocre.
(upbeat music)
I had a weird upbringing.
Dad got a wild hare up his ass
and bought a dilapidated mansion
in a poor, black neighbor in Treme area of New Orleans.
There was no food in my house going as a kid
so I'm obsessed with free food.
I got a pretty good gag now that works.
I go up to tables and I go,
"You guys all done here?
"Let me clear some of this out."
And no one ever goes, "Do you work here?"
No one questions you,
so if some guy's got six wings left
out of 12, I got six wings.
Or shrimp is good.
Skewer.
I mean, look at this.
Got some snack pack here.
There's a KIND bar there
see, I mean there's craft service out there
and on the way out I'll fill the other pockets.
(upbeat music)
I was a waiter at a Mexican restaurant.
Low self esteem, alcoholic, degenerate,
rudderless, going nowhere,
and one of the other waiters said,
"I'm doing this open mic.
"You should come do it."
It was three hours away.
I remember thinking, well, I won't know anybody over there.
I'll (bleep) I'll try it.
So I got blackout drunk and did this open mic
and it went okay.
I had a yeast infection at the time
from a real trollop I was pounding
and I talked about the yeast on stage
and it went pretty well and I was hooked.
That was it.
(upbeat music)
Moved to New York with a couple guys.
We had no money.
We lived way out in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, way out,
and I got mugged three times in a year.
Landlord died of AIDs and I got bed bugs.
This city was trying to spit me out.
It was ugly.
(upbeat music)
If you could see my apartment, it'd be embarrassing.
I got stacks of notes up to here
about just tons of written jokes that never worked,
pieces of paper strewn about.
I look like Howard Hughes.
I got piss in a jar and it's pretty sad.
Just this booklet, this booklet is filled up.
I got duct tape holding that together
and then these are all just jokes, joke ideas.
99.8% of these have gone nowhere
but you gotta try 'em all.
You never know what'll stick.
Yeah.
That's a man's phone number.
To get up to tone, you gotta be a special kinda crazy.
It's gotta be in ya.
You gotta want it.
You gotta need it.
It's a long game, folks,
so if you're not ready to dive all the way in
and give up your regular life
then this ain't for you, fatty.
So hit the bricks, dickless.
Comedy.
- Start clapping right now for Mark Normand, everybody.
(cheering) Come up here, Mark.
(cheering)
- Hey, hey, comedy huh?
I'm doing all right.
Seeing a nice lady.
Met a girl in that Jewish app.
What's that Jewish app called?
- [Man] JV?
- The other one.
PayPal.
(laughing)
Going pretty well, yeah.
We had a pregnancy scare recently
so we got a couple pregnancy tests
just to be sure, you know.
When she wasn't looking, I peed on one, yeah.
Came up positive.
(laughing)
That's weird.
So I googled it.
Said I might have testicular cancer.
I was like, well shit, still better than a kid.
(laughing)
That's the one good thing about cancer.
If you get rid of it, nobody judges you.
(laughing)
Huh, yeah, 'cause people get all religious with abortion.
Hey, God wanted you to have a baby.
It's like, well he also wanted people to have cancer.
Well, that's different.
Cancer will ruin your life.
(moans)
(laughing)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
My gal's fun, though.
She likes to do stuff in public.
That's cool.
Although it gets you into some weird scenarios.
One time we were at a grocery store.
She stuck her butt out in the aisle and I spanked it
and this six year old kid runs up
and he goes, "What'd she do?"
(laughing)
I was like, "What do you mean?"
He's like, "Is she a bad girl?"
I'm like, "She's a bad girl, all right."
(laughing)
That's when I realized me and this kid
are saying the exact same thing
but having a completely different conversation.
(laughing)
He's like, "Is she naughty?"
I'm like, "Oh, she's naughty."
He's like, "Does she have a lot of toys?"
I'm like, "Her bedroom's full of toys."
(laughing)
He's like, "You should do what my parents do to me
"when I'm in trouble."
I'm like, "What's that?"
"You should use her toys in front of her."
I'm like, "Damn, maybe I will."
(laughing)
This kid's filthy.
We didn't have a ton of money when I was growing up.
We played board games at my house.
Ugh, remember Clue?
Clue sucked.
Professor Plum in the study with the candlestick.
That's not relatable.
Who's dying from a candlestick?
You gotta update that stuff.
Make it stuff that kills people now, you know.
Fentanyl.
(laughing)
Right?
Peanuts.
(laughing)
Update it.
Timmy in the trailer with the Tide pod.
(laughing)
Thanks a lot, I'm Kevin Hart.
(upbeat music)