WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, THE HITS KEEP ONCOMING AND TODAY WE HAVE MORE HUGE NEWS
FROM OUR NATION'S CAPITOL.
THE HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE HAS JUST ANNOUNCED IT WILL HOLD
ITS FIRST OPEN HEARINGS AS PART OF THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY ON
WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 13th.
YES.
(APPLAUSE) THERE ST.
BOOM.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
THE SHIF HITS THE -- SCHIFF HITS THE FAN, NEXT WEDNESDAY, HUMP
DAY WOULDN'T WANT TO BE TRUMP DAY.
AND IF THE TRANSCRYPTS THEY'VE ALREADY RELEASED ARE ANY
INDICATION, THIS IS GOING TO BE TRES CAY, BAY BAY, AND I WILL
TILL THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF DON AND THE GIANT
IMPEACH.
>> LET'S CALL UP UKRAINE FOR HELP.
>> Stephen: NOW A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO REMEMBER A COUPLE OF
WEEKS AGO WHEN REPUBLICANS WERE FREAKING OUT THAT THE TESTIMONY
WAS ALL HAPPENING BEHIND CLOSED DOORS?
WELL, THIS WEEK ADAM SCHIFF CRACKED THOSE DOORS OPEN AND I
BELIEVE WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE REPUBLICAN REACTION.
TODAY, TODAY WE GOT TESTIMONY FROM TOP AMERICAN DIPLOMAT TO
UKRAINE AND SHAVED GRINCH BILL TAYLOR,
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: NOW TAYLOR KNOWS WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT WHEN
CAN AM COMES TO UKRAINE BECAUSE MIKE POMPEO PERSONALLY RECRUITED
HIM TO BE THE STATE DEPARTMENT CHARGE D'AFFAIRES, YES, CHARGE
D'AFFAIRES, AS OPPOSED TO BACK OVER HERE WHERE TRUMP PAYED FOR
HIS D'AFFAIRESES BY D'CHECK.
TAYLOR'S TESTIMONY UNDERMINES EVERY ARGUMENT THE PRESIDENT HAS
MADE SO FAR.
FOR EXAMPLE, TAYLOR TESTIFIED MY CLEAR UNDERSTANDING WAS THAT
SECURITY ASSISTANCE MONTH WOULD NOT COME UNTIL THE PRESIDENT OF
UKRAINE COMMITTED TO PURSUE THE INVESTIGATION.
HE WAS THEN ASKED SO IF THEY DON'T DO THIS, THEY ARE NOT
GOING TO GET THAT, WAS YOUR UNDERSTANDING TAYLOR ANSWERED
YES, SIR.
>> THEN WAS ASKED ARE YOU AWARE THAT QUID PRO QUO LITERALLY
MEANS THIS FOR THAT.
TAYLOR REPLIED, I AM.
THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN SAYING NO QUID PRO QUO.
ALL THIS TIME AND NOW HIS OWN DIPLOMAT IS SAYING YEAH HUH
PROCO.
WHAT ELSE HAS THE PRESIDENT BEEN LYING ABOUT.
IS MEXICO NOT GOING TO PAY FOR THE BORDER WALL?
WOULD HE NOT DATE IVANKA IF SHE WASN'T HIS DAUGHTER?
WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE ANY MORE.
TAYLOR ALSO MADE IT CLEAR HE KNEW THE POLITICAL IMPACT OF
THIS, AS I UNDERSTOOD THE REASON FOR INVESTIGATING BARISMA WAS TO
CAST VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN IN A BAD LIGHT, WHICH HE WENT ON TO
SAY BENEFITED A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN FOR THE RE-ELECTION OF
PRESIDENT TRUMP.
WELL, IF IT IS FOR A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN, THE LAW REQUIRES THE
STANDARD CANDIDATE DISCLAIMER.
>> I'M DONALD J TRURCH AND I APPROVE THIS.
>> CORRUPTION.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
PUTS IT OUT THERE, YOU GOT TO KNOW IT.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Jon: IT'S CORRUPT.
I DON'T MESS WITH THAT.
>> Stephen: AT ONE POINT TAYLOR SAID THE SECRETARIES OF
STATE AND DEFENSE AS WELL AS THE HEAD OF THE CIA AND THE NATIONAL
SECURITY WERE ALL TRYING TO GET A MEETING WITH THE PRESIDENT TO
CONVINCE HIM TO RELEASE THE UKRAINE AID THAT CONGRESS HAD
LAWFULLY APPROPRIATED TO HELP UKRAINE FIGHT THE RUSHANS WHO
HAD INVADED THEIR COUNTRY.
BUT THEY KONLT GET THEIR SCHEDULES TO LINE UP.
TAYLOR TESTIFIED IT TURNS OUT, MR. CHAIRMAN, THAT THOSE
PRINCIPALS WERE ON DIFFERENT TRIPS AT DIFFERENT TIMES.
I THINK THIS WAS ALSO ABOUT THE TIME OF THE GREENLAND QUESTION
ABOUT PURCHASING GREENLAND WHICH TOOK UP A LOT OF ENERGY IN THE
NFC.
THE CHAIRMAN REPLIED OKAY, THAT DISTISHING FOR A WHOLE DIFFERENT
REASON.
HMMMM.
YEAH.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Jon: THIS IS WHAT WE ARE DEALING WITH.
>> Stephen: NO, SAME REASON, AND YOU ARE ABOUT TO IMPEACH
HIM.
AND THIS IS JUST THE LATEST.
YESTERDAY WE HEARD FROM AMBASSADOR TO THE EU GORDON
SONDLAND SEEN HERE SAYING HIS BELOVED CATCH PHRASE GUUURRHH.
(LAUGHTER) I GOT MY JOB BY GIVING A MILLION
DOLLARS TO THE INAUGUST RACIAL FUND.
-- INAUGURATION FUND.
>> HE TESTIFIED UNDER OATH THAT HE WASN'T AWARE OF ANY QUID PRO
QUO WITH UKRAINE BUT AFTER OTHER OFFICIALS TESTIFIED THAT HE WAS
THE QUID PRO QUO BAGMAN, HE RUSHED OUT TO SUBMIT A
SUPPLEMENTAL DECLARATION, OFFICER, I DON'T HAVE ANY DRUGS
IN MY CAR.
OH, YOU FOUND A BAGGIE OF WHITE POWDER IN MY CAR.
THEN I WOULD LIKE TO SUBMIT A SUPPLEMENTAL DECK LARATION THAT
I AM COKED TO THE GILLS, BUT IN MY DEFENSE, DO YOU WANT TO
PARTY?
NO?
THE SONDLAND SUNDAY AWARENESS THAT HE DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO
CHAIL BUTT PUMP'S DE FENDERS IN A BIND.
AS ONE GOP HOUSE MEMBER PUT IT WITHOUT A DOUBT THIS IS THE
BIGGEST POLITICAL PICKLE TRUMP HAS EVER BEEN IN, YES STRKS A
VLASSIC CASE OF GHERKIN AROUND AN ALLY.
STAND DEFINITELY NOT KOSHER.
AND-- SOMEONE, SOMEONE LIKED THAT JOKE MORE THAN
SHALL-- THANK YOU, THANK YOU DARLING.
THANK YOU, DARLING.
WHEN THE FACTS AREN'T ON YOUR SIDE YOUR ONLY HOPE IS
IGNORANCE.
ENTER SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR AND MAN YELLING AT THE WAITER, I WAS
TOLD THESE BREAD STICKS WOULD BE UNLIMITED.
LINDSEY GRAHAM.
NOW JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO GRAHAM TOLD AXIOS THIS.
>> IF YOU COULD SHOW ME THAT, YOU KNOW, TRUMP ACTUALLY WAS
ENGAGING IN A QUID PRO QUO OUTSIDE THE PHONE CALL, THAT
WOULD BE VERY DISTURBING.
>> Stephen: WELL, THE TRANSCRYPT CLEARLY SHOW THAT.
BUT.
>> I'M NOT GOING TO READ THESE TRANSCRYPTS.
>> HOW TRAGIC.
>> Stephen: GRAHAM IS CLEARLY WORKING THROUGH THE FIF STAGES
OF REPUBLICAN IMPOOCHMENT GRIEF, ANGER, DENIAL, WON'T READ, CAN'T
READ, NO HABLO INGLES.
WELL, WELL.
THANKS.
(APPLAUSE) LINDSEY, LINDSEY, LINDSEY, I'M
SURE YOU ARE WATCHING SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT I WILL
JUST SUMMARIZE -- THE TRANSCRIPT IN THREE LITTLE WORD, DON'T LOOK
AWAY, DON'T LOOK AWAY, LINDSEY, DON'T LOOK AWAY, DON'T LOOK
AWAY.
LINDSEY, DON'T-- DON'T-- (LAUGHTER)