- But as I get older,
I'm getting much better using than the word "no".
I used to be rubbish at saying no.
Used to say yes all the time.
Yes too much, yes to everything.
To the point where I felt a bit like a doormat,
a bit like I was being used, I suppose.
And then I went through a phase of saying yes
but immediately regretting it.
And then I went through a phase of saying no,
but in a really kind of wishy-washy,
namby pamby sort of way.
Now, if somebody asks me to do something I don't want to do,
I just go like this.
No.
(audience laughs)
I found out that my voice changes
so if I wanna do it, I go "Yeah, that sounds great.
Thanks very much."
And if I don't, I go, "No".
(audience laughs)
No apology, no explanation, just no.
(audience laughs)
Made a list of some of the things I've said no to
over the years.
First thing on my list:
I said no to opening a sexual health clinic
on the Isle of Wight. (audience laughs)
You know I say opening, I mean cutting a ribbon,
not getting planning permission.
You know that? (audience laughs)
I said no to a voiceover for an advert
they thought I was perfect for.
And I thought, let's see what you think I'm perfect for.
It was an advert for soil. (audience laughs)
All I can think is that they Googled my name
and it said I was very dirty.
And they were like, yep, she'll do that!
She's dirty.
She's probably got worms.
Yep, yep, yep. (audience laughs)
This one's very straightforward.
I say no to skinny jeans 'cause I find them very thrushy,
very straightforward that one.
I say no to giving my email address
to shop assistants.
Have you had this?
- [Audience Member] Yeah!
- Actually the last time it happened, I didn't say no.
I said a different word.
I got to the till and the man at the till said,
"And your email address is...?"
And I said, "Irrelevant". (audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
I say no to guinea pigs.
Don't say aww, say aww they're shit!
They are budget rabbits at best.
Gone on, spend another couple of pound.
Treat yourself to some fucking ears.
(audience laughs)
But think about it.
Think about Watership Down.
If Watership Down was guinea pigs instead of rabbits
you wouldn't cry at the end, would you?
You'd go like this.
Nobody ever made a vibrator out of a guinea pig, did they?
(audience laughs)
You know what?
'Cause this bit's really important.
This one.
I say no to people in the street with clipboards.
There's a few people agreeing with that over there.
Unless they're standing outside the stationery shop
and there's offer on clipboards,
'cause I love stationary more than fucking life itself.
(audience laughs)
I say no to notebooks and aspirational signs.
I see anything to do with dreams.
Make your dreams come true,
make your dreams a reality.
'Cause I always think, do you mean my actual dreams?
Like the ones I have in the night.
Come to make those come true?
Are you sure? (audience laughs)
You want me to find out where The Rock lives?
You want me to go to his house,
wait until he gives me the kittens
and then take me top off.
Is that what you want?
I say no to slates instead of plates.
Have you had this?
You're in a perfectly nice restaurant
and they bring you a dinner on a bit of fucking roof.
(audience laughs)
I was at the Edinburgh Fringe in August last year
and I was genuinely served a fry up in a frying pan.
Because mornings aren't my best time.
I'm not on my most alert on a morning,
I ate it really quickly because I was worried
they were waiting for the pan.
(audience laughs)
This next one's a little bit controversial.
Not everybody likes this one.
There's three to go, by the way.
I said no to a gig at the Queen's Jubilee
because I was picking up a kitten.
(audience laughs)
I spent eight years in my life without any pets,
the longest I've ever gone
because of the lifestyle of my job.
And then my husband and I realised
we were finally in a position
where we could definitely look after a cat.
And our friend's cat had just had kittens.
So we locked a date in my diary
when that kitten could leave his mam
and come and live with us.
It was locked in my diary and my agent, she said,
"But it's the Queen's Jubilee."
And I said, "But it's a kitten."
(audience laughs)
And she tried always to persuade me,
and in the end I just said,
"Look I don't care how good her tits are,
I'm not fucking going!"
(audience laughs)
Second last one.
I said no to someone shoving a Crunchie up my fanny.
(audience laughs)
Now I don't know when you last had a Crunchie.
You might not remember, the chocolate is very thin
and would've fizzled off in no time.
(audience laughs)
And a very angular cinder toffee, that would have hurt.
And also, I don't do adverts anyway.
(audience laughs)
Wasn't even a Friday.
And the last one on my list.
I say no to people driving up the closed lane
and cutting in.
Do you know what I mean by this?
Yeah.
We all see the sign at the same point, don't we?
The sign that says in 800 yards, this lane will close,
this lane will close and this lane will remain open.
Now I like to consider myself a good driver.
I immediately start working my way
across to the lane that will remain open.
Some people though,
just drive to the front of the other lanes and cut in.
Now if this is me and this is you,
you better hope that your car is no bigger
than a fucking pube. (audience laughs)
Because that is the gap that I'm leaving
between me and the car in front of me.
That is very clearly a no action.
That driver must surely understand what's going on.
But I always want them to see my face say no as well.
So I wait until they sidle up.
They do that, don't they?
They drive up alongside you.
They glance across at you in your car
in a slightly sort of pleading way.
Oh go on, let me in.
I'm only driving an Audi TT.
I'm just a cunt.
(audience laughs and applauds)
That is when I glance across at them and I go like this.
No!
And just to make sure they definitely get the message,
I do this.
(audience laughs)
Thanks for watching.
You know what would be great?
My brand new show "Bobby Dazzler" is out now
and available exclusively on my website,
sarahmillican.co.uk.
Put the kettle on and settle in.