A good pizza place should, as some matter of priority, serve good pizza.
From the heavyweight names, to the up-and-coming chains, to the stalwarts of American pizza-making,
we rank the very best and the very worst of what the country has to offer.
Papa John's
Along with Domino's and Pizza Hut, Papa John's is one of the Big 3 - the major chains that
dominate the delivery market.
That's doesn't mean it's good, though.
The chain has had a number of controversies recently, as founder John Schnatter puts his
foot in his mouth so often we have to assume he's testing a new topping.
It couldn't hurt, though, because their pizza problems are even worse than their PR problems.
The crust and dough is often airy and soft.
The cheese is lacking.
And they're just greasy enough to make you hate yourself for eating them.
They claim to have better pizza, the question is… better than what?
Papa Murphy's*
The biggest problem with Papa Murphy's pizzas — aside from the crazy fact that you have
to bake them yourself — is the crust, which is thinner than a B-movie plot.
It's so thin it practically defies the laws of physics.
But hey!
It's not all bad news.
If you're after a pizza which exists in the third dimension, you can also opt for their
stuffed pizzas.
That's not a stuffed crust pizza, by the way, that's a pizza that is entirely stuffed.
Why must our only options be gluttony or starvation?
Pizzas which don't snap in half when they're picked up and pizzas which aren't literally
bursting at the seams are not mutually exclusive.
Find the middle ground, Papa Murphy's.
Uno Pizzeria & Grill*
Deep dish pizza is not pizza.
Nothing that could ever feasibly be mistaken for a birthday cake has any right to call
itself a pizza.
Uno Pizzeria & Grill seems to enjoy making a big deal about how great deep dish is, but
since they aren't actually pizzas, they don't really qualify.
Most Iconic Bowl of Cheese Soup?
Maybe.
Pizza?
No.
"What the f--- does that have to do with pizza?"
Their thin crust, however, is an actual pizza, and it's pretty good.
Unfortunately, though, they just don't have enough real pizza options to place any higher
on our list.
Little Caesar's*
Little Caesar's is a heavyweight pizza chain, no doubt about that.
It's just a shame the pizzas are so lightweight.
The sauce they use is actually kind of great, but the dough is chewy and the cheese is nothing
special, plus, they also make the mistake of thinking deep dish is pizza.
But then there's the sense of unease that comes too often with eating a Little Caesar's
pizza — the nagging voice at the back of your head which keeps telling you that you
could be eating something better.
And the only rule of pizza is always eat the best pizza.
"No calling.
No waiting.
THERE'S NO RULES!"
"Sir, put your shirt back on!"
"There's one rule!"
Domino's
The second of the Big 3 American pizza chains, Domino's has carved out a comfortable place
for themselves in the American pizza industry since their foundation founding in 1960.
And they've made big strides since their cardboard crust days.
"Worst excuse for pizza I've ever had" through 1:20:
"Totally void of flavor."
"This we hear over and over and over."
Unfortunately, their pizza doesn't quite match their big reputation.
The toppings are great, and you can completely customize your pizza order to fit your desires.
Unfortunately, the garlic-seasoned crust makes a hell of a mess, the edges are never quite
crispy enough, and the things are drenched in grease.
And nobody likes a soggy slice.
Pizza Hut
By far the best of the Big 3 chains, Pizza Hut is… still not quite really good pizza.
The toppings are okay, the crust is alright, the cheese is decent, and there are ample
options.
It's still a little too greasy, and the price is a bit steep, but on the other hand, stuffed
crust is a great idea.
"It's wrong, isn't it?"
"But it feels so right."
"So it's a deal?"
"Yes!
We eat our pizza the wrong way!"
"Crust first!"
All in all, Pizza Hut isn't bad.
It's just not quite as good as we want it to be.
Pieology
Pieology is basically Subway for pizza.
You walk in and customize your pizza from start to finish at the counter.
The choice on offer is nothing short of spectacular: five crusts, seven sauces, six cheeses and
a long, long list of meats and toppings means that pretty much the only way to make your
pizza more personal is to make the whole thing yourself.
Plus, it's family owned!
All in all, a good chain with really good pizza — if you can find one.
With locations in only 23 states, Pieology is a great idea that hasn't fully caught on
just yet.
California Pizza Kitchen
California Pizza Kitchen, self-professed inventors of the BBQ chicken pizza, have a long list
of strange pizza options, including innovative ideas like shrimp scampi, steak, wild mushrooms
and Thai chicken.
That could go wildly wrong, but thanks to high quality ingredients and toppings, it
really feels like they've put effort into coming up with something interesting — like
a chef has created these pizzas rather than, say, a marketing team.
Bertucci's
If you ever take a look at how the best pizzas you've ever had were all made, you're likely
to find a single common denominator: a wood-fired oven.
Nowhere is this clearer than at Bertucci's.
The signature pizzas on their menu tend to be more Italian in style than your run-of-the-mill
chain while the pizzas themselves are nice and crispy, with that smokey, heady taste
you can only get from a wood oven.
For sheer Italian authenticity, this is your best option, but sadly, it's limited to the
East Coast for now.
MOD Pizza
Now this is pizza royalty.
MOD's pizzas are as customizable as the ones you'd find at Pieology, and the toppings are
nothing short of superb, from pesto to roasted broccoli to arugula.
And get this: all these beautifully-cooked personal pizzas cost exactly the same, no
matter how many toppings you throw on top.
Just to cinch the deal, MOD is an ethical company who take not just quality but also
environmental impact and animal ethics into mind when sourcing their ingredients.
They're also known for treating their workers well and hiring staff with special needs,
as well as those who have been incarcerated in the past.
"And it came to be about the people, making a difference in their lives."
"This is a category of employees, if you get behind them and believe in them, more than
they believe in themselves, they can make a huge difference."
A good heart and good pizza — MOD is the best.
Full stop.