This story is a bombshell, all right?
Dozens of rich parents, including Hollywood actors,
accused of straight up bribing their kids' way into college.
I mean, some of these parents allegedly paid
up to $6.5 million,
which is insane.
Honestly, for that amount of money,
just buy a smarter kid.
Now, the alleged mastermind of this entire scheme
is a man named William Singer, right?
Parents paid him millions of dollars,
and then he spread those bribes around.
REPORTER: According to prosecutors,
the scheme involved two kinds of fraud,
parents paying a college prep organization
to help their children cheat on SAT or ACT exams
and others paying to allegedly bribe college coaches
to help admit the students as athletes
regardless of their athletic skill.
REPORTER 2: Singer went as far as to Photoshop kids' pictures
into sporting events,
even made up athletic achievements.
REPORTER 3: In one instance, a parent sending this photo
showing their daughter playing water polo in high school.
But, in fact, the photo was another student.
Whoo-wee!
The balls on these people,
to just literally Photoshop their kids' faces
on to the bodies of real athletes.
And I also can't believe nobody noticed this.
'Cause the parent was just there, like,
"We're so proud of our little Joshua.
"He is, like-- Here he is during the state championship game.
"And here he is in the spring,
when he won the gold medal at the track meet."
So, reportedly, reportedly,
these college coaches would take bribes
to pretend that they needed
these non-athletes on their teams.
And then once the kids got into the school,
the kids would just never play. Yeah.
You know what I think? I think the perfect punishment
for these coaches would be forcing them to compete
with a team full of all the fake athletes that they recruited.
Yeah. That should be the punishment.
-(cheering and applause) -And then...
and then, on top of that, on top of that,
we say that they have to win the championship
or all of them go to jail. Yeah.
It would be, like, a really uninspiring Disney movie.
"From the makers of The Mighty Ducks comes
The Wealthy Dicks."
I think it has potential, guys. I really think it does.
And, now, there's some people out there
who might sympathize with these parents, you know?
They might be saying, like, every parent wants the best
for their kids, which is true.
Every parent does want the best for their kids.
I mean, except for prairie dogs, you know? Yeah.
No, because prairie dogs eat their young.
Yeah. Oh, don't "aw" me.
This is the animal kingdom. It's brutal.
Yeah. This is real life. It's not like The Lion King--
warthogs friends with lions. No.
In real life, Simba would be face-deep
in Pumbaa's intestines, all right? That's how it would be.
Yeah. Hakuna matata, my ass.
That warthog would have a lot of matatas, my friend.
Anyway, my point is,
before you feel sympathy for these parents
for just wanting the best for their kids,
remember that these kids already had so many advantages, right?
They went to the best high schools.
They could easily afford tutors and extracurriculars,
but, clearly, it still wasn't enough.
I mean, these parents are shameless.
Like, they're literally on Shameless.
Oh, and here's another reason.
Here's another reason
you shouldn't feel bad for these parents--
because it turns out, a lot of them are a bunch of dicks.
WOMAN: Marcie Palatella told Confidential Witness One,
her and her spouse "laugh every day"
about how grateful they were for CW One's services.
"We're, like, it was worth every cent."
WOMAN 2: A wiretapped transcript details
a father and Singer creating a plan to trick USC
into thinking his son was a football kicker.
The father laughing, telling Singer,
"That's just totally hilarious,"
admitting his son's high school "doesn't have a football team."
MAN: The FBI says some parents disguised their payments
to Singer as contributions to a charity he ran
so they could deduct the payments on their income taxes.
-Wow. Wow. -(audience groaning)
So not only were they laughing about scamming these schools.
It turns out they were also scamming the IRS.
How greedy can a person be?
'Cause I mean, they're already committing bribery.
And then on top of that, they claim it was to charity
to get their bribes back from the IRS?
Like, they just added a bonus crime
to the crime that they already committed.
That was not necessary.
It's like you're robbing a bank, and then, on the way out,
you start stealing the pens. "While I'm here.
-Mah." -(laughter)
So these parents could be facing some pretty serious time.
And knowing them, they're probably trying
to bribe their way into the best prisons, you know.
They'll be like, "Why should you accept me into your prison?
"Well, I actually ran the library at Shawshank.
"Here's a photo of me doing that, so, uh..."
(laughter, applause)
"I think you should let me in."
Obviously... obviously I'm joking.
None of these rich people are actually gonna go to prison.
Come on. No, I'm being serious.
At worst, they're probably gonna get community service.
Yeah. Like, they'll have to pick up trash in Beverly Hills.
Be like, "Uh-huh,
"another hundred dollar bill on the ground.
Uh-huh. So dirty."
So, honestly, I won't lie.
I don't feel any sympathy for these parents.
But their kids, on the other hand...
Their kids-- that's another story.
Because according to prosecutors,
most of the kids had no idea
that their parents took part in this scheme.
And this is such a shitty way to find out
that your parents think you're a dumb-ass.
(laughter)
Because they paid to make your life easier.
Like, if I was one of these kids,
now I would be questioning everything good
that happens to me in life.
Like, if one of my good-looking classmates hit on me,
I'd be like, "You don't really like me.
"You're just my dad in a wig.
"Give me that hair! Give me that hair!
"Give me that..." (imitates tearing sound)
"Aah, aah, aah! Oh, wow. It was real.
"Uh, Dad, I did it again.
I need you to bail me out."