- What's up everybody, Mark Manson here.
I wanna start off talking about a fantasy
because I think we all have a very similar fantasy.
(upbeat music)
No, no, no, no, not that kind of fantasy.
It's actually a very mundane and common fantasy.
We all have this fantasy that it's possible to not give
a shit what people think about us.
Everybody's felt this at one time or another.
Everybody wishes that we were impervious to the opinions
of those around us, that we had our perfect confidence
that was imperturbable to the environs,
that insults and haters bounce off us like fucking bullets
on Superman's chest,
that we can reach this perfect mental state,
where our insecurities melt away and we're left
with this shining hero who's gonna take over
the fucking world.
But then we open our mouths and realize
what a dumb ass we are and it's back to square one.
So I recently hosted an AMA,
Ask Mark Anything on my website for my site members,
and of course, the number one question was this.
Why do we care so much what other people think?
How do we stop caring so much what other people think?
This got upvoted like 200 fucking times.
Everybody wants to know this,
and so YouTube land, I decided to come on here
and answer this publicly, to answer it once and for all.
I've got a short answer, a long answer,
and then the answer that will probably surprise you
so stick around.
(upbeat music)
So before I dive into how to stop caring
what other people think about you,
I need you to like this video and subscribe to the channel.
Why? Because I am a desperately insecure human being
who derives all validation from external sources.
In fact, my entire self-esteem rides on the back
of arbitrary numbers that go up and down on the internet.
So please save a soul, click the like button,
click the fucking subscribe button.
All right, so now that we've got that out of the way,
here's the short answer of why you care
what other people think.
Because you're not a psychopath,
because caring what other people think about you
is what makes you a good human being.
Can you imagine a world where a child gets cancer
and you don't fucking care,
that your mom gets hit by a bus and you're like,
"Eh, not my problem."
That would be a horrible fucking world.
And this is what I think a lot of people
who ask this question, forget.
Yes, the opinions and perceptions of other people
can be very stressful and cause us anxiety
but they also cause pretty much everything good
in life as well.
They lead to joy, empathy, compassion, friendship,
seriously, who wants to get rid of that stuff?
So when I hear people say, how do I stop caring
what other people think?
I kinda translate it for them.
What they're really asking is how do I better manage
what other people think?
Now, that's a real fucking question,
and that brings us to the long answer.
Let's go back a couple of million years.
Humans suck, we're pretty bad
at almost everything in nature.
We're weak, we're slow, we're bad at climbing things,
our teeth aren't very sharp.
If you compare us to other mammals in the animal kingdom,
we're pretty bad at just about everything.
In fact, the only thing that is particularly notable
about humans that makes us stand out, that makes us superior
in any way to other creatures is our intelligence.
And our intelligence evolved
because we are highly sociable creatures
like the chameleon skin that changes color
or the cheetah that's fast as fuck.
Human intelligence and the socializing that is built
upon that intelligence is our evolutionary superpower.
It's what got us here.
It's what helped us survive and replicate to the point
that I'm sitting here talking to a fucking camera
and you're listening.
Therefore, sociability is literally ingrained
into our nervous system.
We need to interact with other humans around us
to stay physically healthy, to stay mentally healthy.
Now, for the vast majority of human history,
we evolved in small tribes, groups of...
Anywhere from 30 people up to maybe 120 people.
Now, these tribes were extremely close knit,
they usually consisted of one to three extended families
who kind of intermingled with each other.
Every social relationship mattered.
Everybody was always depending on other people
for their own survival.
So if you've got Ducky McDick face over there,
who keeps on wasting food and makes a bunch of noise
at night when predators are about,
the other 29 people in the tribe get
pretty fucking pissed off at that guy,
and if they kick him out of the tribe, he's dead.
Humans cannot survive alone for very long in the wild,
and so as a result of that fact,
we are evolved to equate social rejection with death.
Being rejected by the tribe is a threat to our safety.
This is why social rejection feels so utterly painful.
Somebody refusing your invitation to the school dance
is just as traumatizing as getting into a car accident
or getting a kidney transplant.
It's an absolutely earth shaking experience
the first time it happens.
So I guess my point in all of this
is that these feelings of social dependency,
of being highly concerned with what the people
around you think, it's a completely natural part
of the human condition.
Everybody experiences it to a certain extent,
and everybody has to learn how to cope with it.
Now, let's talk about what makes modern life so awesome.
You got the fucking video games,
you got air travel,
got virtual realities coming, that's all great,
but what's best about modern life is that you can pick
your own tribe.
You can change tribes,
so If you get rejected or ostracized from one tribe,
you can go find a better tribe.
Another way to think about this
is that you can never stop seeking social validation.
You will always crave social validation,
but what you can change is which people you seek
that validation from.
You can decide who are the people you want to impress,
who are the people worth impressing?
And this is the problem with most people
who asked this question,
they've surrounded themselves by petty, shitty people.
And because they're surrounded by petty, shitty people,
they constantly crave validation from petty, shitty people,
and there's nothing worse than trying to be validated
by somebody who is supremely selfish.
Instead of not caring what people think,
just find better people,
surround yourself by people that you admire,
people you look up to, people who can teach you something,
who respects you for who you are.
So it sounds pretty simple, right?
No problem, just find some better people,
it's not that easy.
Cue, the harsh truth of the day.
(upbeat music)
The harsh truth of the day is that if you care too much
what other people think,
it's probably because you don't have something
more important to care about.
Think about it, let's do a thought experiment,
let's pretend a baby is trapped in a burning building,
and you're the only person that knows
that that baby is there.
Now, all of these people are standing around
and you're like, "Oh my God, I gotta go save that baby."
And you start running into the building,
and all of these people you know are like,
"Man, what's Mark doing, that's fucking crazy.
Well, you're an idiot, Mark,
who runs into a burning building?"
They started talking all this shit.
Will that stop you from going into that building?
No, you don't fucking care what people on the street think.
There's a fucking kid who's about to die,
you go save that fucking life.
And when you come out, you also don't care what they think,
you either did it or you didn't.
If you come out and they're all like,
"Oh my God, Mark is such a great guy."
What matters is the kid's life,
beyond the social validation, beyond the embarrassment,
the approval, people agreeing or disagreeing with you,
saving somebody's life is what matters in that moment.
Now, that's an extreme example
but the same principle plays out throughout life.
You will stop caring what other people think about you
when you have something more important to care about,
when you have something worth being embarrassed over,
when you have something worth being ridiculed for,
when you believe in something so intensely
and it's so important that if you're willing to lose friends
or the respect of your neighbors,
that's when you stop caring what other people think.
And the irony of this of course, is that that is the moment
that everybody starts respecting you.
Be sure to like the video, subscribe to the channel.
I post shit like this almost every week,
every week, weekly-ish.
And leave in the comments what is so important in your life
that you're willing to be ridiculed for it.
If you can't answer that easily,
that might be the problem.
Till next time, this is Mark Manson,
pretending the salute, peace.
(upbeat music)