>> I CAN'T SPEAK TO THE REST OF THE WORLD BUT I KNOW THERE'S ONE
HAPPY PERSON WATCHING THE SHOW TONIGHT.
MY MOTHER TEXTED ME AND SAID, "WHERE ARE YOU TIGER."
I SAID, "I'M ABOUT TO BE ON "THE COLBERT' SHOW.
AND SHE SAID MAKE SURE THEY SAY YOUR NAME RIGHT.
IT'S VERY EASY, BECAUSE IT'S KEVIN SMITH.
A THE LOT OF PEOPLE CALL ME KEVIN JAMES.
I HAVE FANS COME UP, "KEVIN JAMES!"
>> Stephen: THAT'S A COMPLIMENT.
HE'S "THE KING OF QUEENS."
>> DID I TELL YOU I HAD A HEART ATTACK.
I HAD A HEART ATTACK.
>> Stephen: I WAS GOING TO SAY YOU'RE LOOKING FIT AND TRIM.
BUT THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HAD A HEART ATTACK.
DON'T APPLAUD THE HEART ATTACK, PLEASE.
>> YOU CAN APPLAUD THE HEART ATTACK.
IT WAS THE GREATEST THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME.
>> Stephen: IT WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A STAND-UP SET.
>> WE WERE SHOOTING TWO SHOWS -- >> Stephen: AND IT'S CALLED BY
THE WAY "SILENT BUT DEADLY."
>> WHICH WAS THE NAME OF THE SHOW BEFORE THE HEART ATTACK.
BUT AFTER THE HEART ATTACK I WAS LIKE, "WE GOTTA KEEP IT NOW."
AND "KEVIN CAN WAIT" WAS TAKEN BY THE OTHER GUY.
SO I DID THE SHOW.
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AN HOUR, WOUND UP BEING TWO HOURS.
AND AFTER THE SHOW I STARTED FEELING UNWELL, AND I CHASED
PEOPLE OUT OF MY DRESSING ROOM.
JASON'S WIFE RUNS OUR COMPANY, AND I CHASED HER OUT.
AND EMILY, WAIT FOR IT, WHO DOES MY HAIR, WAS THERE AS WELL.
>> Stephen: SHE DOES THAT.
>> YOU CAN BELIEVE IT?
SHE DOES THIS PART.
I WAS LIKE, "HEY, MAN, CAN YOU GUYS GET OUT?
I DON'T FEEL THAT WELL."
WHEN I'M SICK I I WANT TO GO OUT INTO THE WOODS LIKE AN ANIMAL
AND DIE.
I LAID DOWN ON THE FLOOR.
WON'T UP THROWING UP.
I LIKE TO TELL THE STORY NOT BECAUSE IT'S JUICY BUT BECAUSE I
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT A HEART ATTACK SYMPTOM WAS.
I WAS A CHILD OF THE 70sAND GREW UP ON "SANFORD AND SON."
I HAD THE SWEATS, AND BREATHING HEAVY --
>> Stephen: DID YOU GET THE CLASSIC PAIN DOWN THE ARM?
>> NONE OF THAT.
NONE OF THE THINGS YOU LOOK FOR.
THAT'S WHY I LIKE TO TELL THE STORY.
EVERYBODY LOOKS FOR THE ARM GOING OUT.
ESSENTIALLY, I SWEATED MORE.
I SWEAT WHEN I BREATHE SO THAT DIDN'T SEEM LIKE A SYMPTOM.
AT ONE POINT, THEY KEPT ASKING ME TO CANCEL THE NEXT SHOW, AND
I SAID, "I JUST NEED TO LAY DOWN."
AND I FELT WORSE AND I SAID, "MAYBE WE SHOULD CANCEL THE
SHOW."
AND THEY SAID, WE DID THE."
AND I SAID, "DON'T CANCEL THE SHOW.
IT WILL MAKE ME LOOK WEAK."
AND THEY SAID, "YOU ARE WEAK.
WE CALLED THE AMBULANCE."
SIX BRAWNY FIREMEN COME IN, AND FOUR OF THEM WERE YOUNG, SO THEY
WERE LOOK AT ME LIKE, "IS THAT "SILENT BOB?"
AND I WAS SITTING THERE HOLDING UP MY HANDS BECAUSE I THOUGHT
THAT WOULD HELP.
I COULDN'T BREATHE.
THEY WERE LIKE, "IS SILENT BOB SCORING A GOAL?"
AND THE PARAMEDICS CAME IN, THEY'RE CUTE, THE BOBBSEY TWINS
A GUY AND A GIRL.
THEY SAID, "WE'RE GOING TO TAKE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE."
AND THE WOMAN WITH THE FISHING TACKLE BOX SAID WE'RE GOG PUT
THESE WIRES ON YOU.
AND I WAS SITTING IN THE CHAIR LIKE THIS, THIS WAS 32 POUNDS
AGO.
I DON'T LIKE SITTING UP BECAUSE IF THIS SHIRT CAME OFF ALL THE
ROLLS COME OUT.
AND SHE SAID, "I HAVE TO PUT THE LEADS ON YOU."
AND I SAID, OKAY.
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE YANKS UP MY SHIRT AND I SAID "WHOA!"
THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM INCLUDING MY BEST
FRIEND'S WIFE, AND SHE'S NEVER SEEN MY BREASTS.
SHE SAID I HAVE TO GET THESE WIRES ON.
I SAID I'LL REACH UNDER IT AND YOU CAN USE MY NIPPLES AS A
GUIDE POST.
AND THE GUY SAID WE'RE GOING TO TAKE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL.
JUST TO BE SURE.
IT'S SO CLOSE.
AND HE SAID, "YOU HAVE EVER BEEN TO THE HOSPITAL BEFORE?"
I HAD VISITED PEOPLE.
AND I SAID, "TO BE HONEST, NO."
AND HE SAID, "YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME."
HE STARTED SELLING IS IT.
AND I GOT EXCITED.
THEY HAVE THESE CHAIRS IN AMBULANCES-- I HAVE NEVER BEEN
IN ONE.
THEY TURN INTO A BED.
IT'S I TRANSFORMER.
HE SAID WE WANT TO YOU GET IN THIS CHAIR.
SIX BRAWNY FIREMEN CAME AND PICKED ME UP AND THEY PUT ME IN
THE CHAIR.
AND IT WAS THE MOST FUN I'VE HAD IN YIERS.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE, LIKE, I'M A BIG PERSON.
NOBODY TRIES TO PICK ME UP.
BUT WHEN YOU GET PICKED UP, IT'S FUN, MAN.
SO WHEN THEY GOT ME IN THE CHAIR, I WAS LIKE, "ONE MORE
TIME!" BUT THEY HAD NO TIME.
SO THEY BROUGHT ME TO THE HOSPITAL AND WHEEL ME INTO THE
EMERGENCY ROOM.
THE WHOLE TIME I'M CHILL.
THE GUY SAID, THE MEDIC, THE PARAMEDIC, SAID, "YOU'RE BEING
REAL CALM."
THAT WILL GET YOU THROUGH THIS.
AND A DUDE SAID, "THAT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE."
AND I WAS LIKE WHAT DOES THAT MINE.
AND WE GOT TO THE E.R., AND THE DUDE SAVES MY LIFE.
-- I HADN'T MET HIM UNTIL THAT POINT AND NOW I WANT TO MARRY
HIM.
HE WAS LIKE, "HOW ARE YOU?" I SAID, "I CAN'T CATCH MY
BREATH."
AND HE SAYS, "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE HAVING A MASSIVE HEART
ATTACK."
AND I SAID NO.
DOC, HONESTLY, I JUST SMOKED TOO MUCH WEED THIS MORNING.
THAT'S WHAT THIS IS.
>> Stephen: DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU WERE TOO HIGH?
>> I HONESTLY THOUGHT I WAS TOO HIGH.
I SMOKED A BUNCH OF WEED AND SMOKED A JOINT RIGHT BEFORE THE
SHOW AND GOT OFF THE STAGE AND I HAD A HEART ATTACK.
AND I ASKED MY DOCTOR, I HATE TO ASK THIS QUESTION, "I DID HAVE A
HEART ATTACK BECAUSE OF THE WEED BECAUSE I SMOKED A JOINT BEFORE
THE SHOW."
HE SAID, "NO, QIEPT THE OPPOSITE.
THAT WEED SAVED YOUR LIFE."
"DO TELL, MAN.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
HE GOES-- HE GOES, "THAT JOINT--" HE SAID, "YOU KEPT
CALM.
THEY TOLD YOU YOU WERE HAVING A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK AND YOU
REMAINED CALM THE WHOLE TIME.
SO THAT JOINT SAVED YOUR LIFE."
AND I WAS LIKE, EI'M PUTTING THAT ON A T-SHIRT.
I'M IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
AND THEY SAID, "WE'RE GOING TO SEND YOU UPSTAIRS TO THE O.R.,
BECAUSE WE HAVE TO GO UP THROUGH THE GROIN TO LOOK AT YOUR
FEMORAL ARTERY.
>> Stephen: RIGHT AWAY.
>> RIGHT AWAY.
"I CAN'T TAKE ANY CHANCES."
I WAS CHATTING.
AND HE SAID, "YOU'RE VERY CHATTY."
THIS DUDE COMES IN WITH A BUCKET AND IT HAS A SCHAEFFER IN IT AND
STUFF.
AND HE SAID THE DOCTOR NEEDS TO GO TO WORK AND WE HAVE TO TAKE
YOU TO THE O.R., AND I HAVE TO SHAVE YOUR GROIN.
I TOOK MY JORTS OFF AND LEFT MY UNDERWEAR ON.
MY NUMBER ONE FEAR, I WAS TERRIFIED OF DYING, LIKE
EVERYBODY, THAT'S MY NUMBER ONE FEAR.
MY SECOND FEAR RIGHT BEHIND THAT ONE IS PEOPLE SEEING MY (BLEEP).
AT THAT POINT, WHEN YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL, EXPONENTIALLY
INCREASES THE CHANCES OF BOTH OF THOSE THINGS GLAEPG SURE, MAYBE
AT THE SAME TIME.
>> EXACTLY!
SO THE GUY GOES-- HE LOOKS AT ME AND GOES, "YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR
UNDERWEAR OFF."
I SAID I'M NOT TAKING MY UNDERWEAR OFF.
AND HE SAID, "I HAVE TO SHAVE YOUR GROIN."
I SAID, "WHAT IS THE GROIN TO YOU?"
HE SAID IT'S THERE.
AND I SAID, "I'LL PULL THE UNDERWEAR OVER AND GIVE YOU A
LANDING STRIP AND YOU CAN GET TO WORK."
HE SAID, "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS."
I SAID, "THEY JUST TOILD ME I AM HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU
MAKE ME TAKE MY UNDERWEAR OFF IN FRONT OF THESE PEOPLE I'LL HAVE
A SECOND ONE."
THE DOCTOR SAID, "WHY IS HE IN HIS UNDERWEAR."
AND THE GUY WHO JUST SAIFD ME SAID, "HE WON'T TAKE THEM OFF."
I SAID, "I HAVE BODY SHAME ISSUES AND MY JUNK IS SMALL."
HE SAID, "WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS."
AND HE TAKES MY UNDERWEAR OFF OF ME LIKE WE'RE IN A 70s PORNO.
AND I SAID, "YOU HAVE YOUR WILL OF ME."
>> Stephen: DID THE MUSIC START PLAYING?
>> TOTALLY.
IT WAS HOT.
I WAS WEARING MY JERSEY, LIKE A HOCKEY JERSEY, AS ALWAYS.
EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE PUMPING ME FULL OF DRUGS, I HAD THE
PRESENCE OF MIND TO TELL THEM A LIE.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE ALL MY CLOTHES.
I WAS AFRAID OF BEING NAKED.
THE LAST TIME I WAS FULLY NAKED WAS WHEN I WAS IN AN EMERGENCY
ROOM.
HE SAID, "TAKE THAT SHIRT OFF."
AND I SAID, YOU CAN'T, DOC.
THIS IS MY LUCKY HOCKEY JIRSY."
AND SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE POINTED OUT, "YOU HAD A HEART ATTACK IN
THIS LURKY JERSEY."
AND HE SAID, "CUT IT OFF OF HIM."
THE MAN UPDATE ME-- WHICH SOUNDED DIRTIER THAN I MEANT IT.
HE SAID YOU'RE 100% BLOCKED.
100% OCCLUDED.
LET ME TELL YOU, SOMETHING, YOU'RE A COMIC BOOK GUY.
I SAID, YEAR, I LIKE COMICS.
THIS IS WHILE I WAS ON THE TABLE.
THE ARTERY THAT'S BLOWNGD, THE L.A.D., THEY CALL IT A WIDOW
MAKER.
IN 8% OF THE CASES OF 100% BLOCKAGE, PEOPLE DIE.
BUT YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN THE 20% BECAUSE I'M GOOD AT WHAT I
DO.
AND THEN HE DISAPPEARED INTO MY CROTCH, AND HE SAVED MY LIFE,
MAN!
SO--
THANK YOU.
SO I JUST HONESTLY, LIKE, I GIVE HIM ALL THE CREDIT.
, BUT LIKE, THERE WAS A LITTLE FIGHT IN ME BECAUSE I WAS AT
PEACE.
I WAS ACTUALLY, LIKE, IF THIS IS THE END.
THIS IS THE END.
I HAD A GREAT LIFE.
I WASN'T TRYING TO BARGAIN WITH GOD OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
I'M SURE GOD WOULD BE LIKE, "YOU MADE DOGMA.
GO TO HELL."
FOR ME I LAID THERE AND THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT A GREAT LIFE I HAD
AND STUFF.
THE ONLY-- I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU IT'S ONLY REASON I
STRUGGLED, THE REASON I SAT THERE ON THE TABLE AND DID
EVERYTHING HE SAID AND WILLED MYSELF BACK TO LIFE WAS BECAUSE
I WAS LIKE, "I HAVE TO BE ON 'COLBERT' IN TWO MONTHS, MAN."
AND HERE I AM TODAY.
>> Stephen: WE COULD NOT BE HAPPIER.
I'M SORRY I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO GET TO A QUESTION.
>> NO WORRY S.
>> Stephen: BUT PLEASE COME AGAIN, AND I WILL ASK YOU
SOMETHING.
>> Stephen: "SILENT BUT DEADLY" PREMIERES MAY 11 ON SHOWTIME.