-Thank you. Thank you very much.
It's so great to be here.
I just met my boyfriend's son.
He's 10.
We went to the park, and I bought him ice cream,
so I'm a mom.
[ Laughter ]
It's so easy to be a mom.
I don't know why they're always so tired.
[ Laughter ]
He's not quite used to me yet.
Like, he doesn't look at me in the face when he talks to me.
He doesn't call me by my name.
He calls me "Where's My Dad?"
[ Laughter ]
It's hard to date someone with a child when you don't have one.
It creates this imbalance in the relationship
because my boyfriend always has to take care of his son.
So I said, "Why don't we get a dog?
So you can have your kid and I'll have a dog."
And he's like, "I don't want a dog."
So I was like, "Then get rid of your son."
[ Laughter ]
My boyfriend just turned 50. Hm.
Oh, my God.
So, uh...
I forgot he was turning 50.
I went to his 50th birthday party,
and I was like, "Oh, my God."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I can't believe he's almost 100.
[ Laughter ]
And now all these, like,
mean old-man thoughts are creeping into my head.
You know, like the other day, he came up to me, and he said,
"Please live with me,"
and I said, "Please live."
[ Laughter ]
And he has really warm skin all the time.
So I finally asked him,
I said, "Why is your skin always so hot?"
And he said, "I have high blood pressure."
And I said, "I like it.
I'm always cold at night.
Let's keep that salt in your diet.
Let's keep that blood pressure nice and high.
We're gonna save money on blankets!"
I'm 6 feet tall.
Oh, wait, no. You can't say "tall" anymore. It's offensive.
I am vertically obese.
[ Laughter ]
I like to eat. I eat a lot of chicken.
My friend's like, "You need to eat free-range chicken."
I said, "I don't care about the personality of my chicken.
[ Laughter ]
I like all chickens."
She said, "Free-range is really healthy."
So, I Googled it.
I went online, and free-range chicken
is just chicken that's free.
It's just on a field, having a good time
with all the other chickens
and all that range.
And I was watching these chickens, and I said to myself,
"I can't eat these chickens.
They're way too happy."
[ Laughter ]
We need to eat no-range chickens.
No-range chickens are trapped and they want to die.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
They should put it right on the packaging --
"no-range, severely depressed chickens.
We were trapped in life, and now we're trapped in this package.
50% off."
My parents just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.
[ Cheers and applause ] I know. It's crazy.
I asked my dad, "What's the secret to 50 years of marriage?"
He's like, "She won't die."
[ Laughter ]
I know my boyfriend and I
are never gonna reach 50 years of marriage.
First of all, we're not even married,
so we can't even start counting.
And second of all, he's 50.
[ Laughter ]
There's no way he's gonna make it to 100.
Not with all that salt I'm putting in his diet.
So, I got to bars alone sometimes
'cause I'm not technically a mom.
And this man approached me out of the blue,
and he goes, "You're awkwardly hot."
[ Laughter ]
What?
What does that even mean, "awkwardly hot"?
I've never even heard those two words put together.
How do you even say thank you to "awkwardly hot"?
T-Thanks. [ Smacks lips ]
[ Laughter, applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Is that awkwardly hot?
How much of awkwardly hot is hot?
Men don't explain their compliments.
One time, this man approached me, and he goes,
[whispering] "There's something about you that's sexy."
[ Normally ] And I was like, "What is it?"
[ Laughter ]
And he's like, "Not that."
I'm Carmen Lynch. Thank you so much!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Oh, fantastic. Look at that. Carmen Lynch!
For more, follow her @CarmenComedian.