[WHOOSH]
So in this video, we're going to be talking
about the characteristics of codependency
because in my opinion, I think codependency is rampant.
It's just to what degree.
So there is a spectrum that we have to consider.
But in this video, we're going to be
addressing a couple of things.
Number one, characteristics of codependency.
And also, I just want to touch briefly
on some of the root causes of codependency.
So if you grew up in an unpredictable home,
and unsafe home, if you grew up in a home
where there were problems but no one talked about the problems,
right, so you don't trust yourself,
what's really going on, if there was alcoholism,
if you are the child of a narcissist,
if you were raised by abusive people--
so unproductive, chaotic homes where you're not
allowed to express your feelings.
It's a very rigid environment.
You get the idea that you're not enough
unless you do what your parents want you to do.
You're not allowed to express your true feelings.
There's a lot of criticism, a lot of blaming,
a lot of condemnation, a lot of negativity.
If your home was chaotic, you may have had
to learn how to be a caretaker.
If your parents were very emotional,
if you had to manage their emotions,
then you've learned to become a caretaker
to other peoples' feelings.
You've also learned that the people that you love the most
might not be there for you.
So trusting people is a big issue.
Feeling the ability to accept help from people--
huge issue for people who suffer from codependency.
There is a lack of intimacy because the people
that you loved hurt you, right?
So you've got to keep people at a distance.
There's an inability to trust yourself
because you aren't encouraged to talk about your feelings.
You don't trust people.
You don't trust that you're worthy.
You have low self-esteem.
So let's get into the characteristics
of what it means to suffer from codependency.
A huge red flag for somebody who might
have come from a home like that, if you tend to feel like you
are the person who has to fix everybody else's feelings.
You are what I call "the mop and the broom of society."
So you're at work and you see someone struggling,
you feel like you have to go in there and rescue them.
In relationships, you have to focus on your partner's
problems and you have to come up with a solution
to fix the problems.
Another characteristic is that you absolutely
believe that you know what is best for this person.
It's like you are so obsessed with what is happening outside
of you, right?
And rather than focusing on yourself and your problems,
you're the person--
and I so relate to this-- you are
the person, the friend, the employee, the whoever that
can fix everybody else's problems
and has a solution for everybody else but yourself.
If you suffer from codependency, you lack boundaries.
So you offer advice even if it's not offered to you.
It's hard for you not to offer advice.
You'd be in the grocery store and you
hear people talking about a recipe, and then you butt in.
You haven't been asked to butt in,
but you just butt in, right?
So you're coming from this place, at least on the surface,
it looks like, you want to collaborate with people.
You want to help people.
But there's something else that's
going on below the surface.
Oftentimes when codependents offer
help, and they offer advice, and they
spend all this time talking to someone on the phone,
giving them all this advice, after they get off the phone
or whatever, they feel better, right?
Then they hear that their best friend is still with this guy
or their brother is still with this girl.
Whatever, right?
And codependents feel wounded because they offered
all this help to this person that they love
only for it to be cast away.
So when you suffer from codependency,
you're very much out of focus, other focus,
trying to help other people.
And you really are offended when people don't take your advice.
Another characteristic, if you feel emotionally
drained, emotionally exasperated because you're not
taking care of yourself and your other focus,
this is a huge red flag of codependency.
How could you not be exasperated?
You are the person in society that
is looking for people to help.
It is not commonplace for you to pay attention to the self.
And so, yes, you're going to get exasperated
taking care of everybody else but yourself
and attracting people who need to be fixed.
Huge red flag of codependency is the need
to be validated outside of the self.
So when we suffer from codependency, we're not--
our sense of self isn't coming from within.
We've come from chaotic homes, right?
So we don't have a sense of self.
That's not our fault. It's the result
of childhood dysfunction, what happened in our homes.
And that need to feel seen doesn't go away
so we continue on seeking validation.
We-- as people drive past us, we want them
to see us and notice us, right?
Everything that we do for the most part is linked to,
can you see me?
Do you value me?
See how good my vegetables look?
Look how good my garden looks.
Look how good my kids look.
Look how clean my house is.
So there's always this can-you-see-me thing going on.
Codependents-- a characteristic of codependency
is being highly, highly sensitive to criticism.
So we suffer great low self-esteem
and we think we're trying so hard to help other people.
And so when we feel rejected or abandoned,
or maybe someone says, get out of here.
Leave me alone.
I can take care of myself, right,
and someone refuses to allow us to fix them,
we feel mortally wounded, completely rejected.
That triggers our abandonment and attachment trauma.
We stay in unhealthy relationships
long past the time we should have left.
And we know we're in an unhealthy relationship,
but we don't know how to get out of it, right?
We're other-focused, right?
We've got this addiction to taking care of people.
We're in denial.
We have no self-esteem.
We don't know how to set a boundary.
Our borders are very, very weak.
We don't know who we are.
So in order to end something, I have to know where I begin.
And so if you suffer from codependency,
you're going to stay in a relationship
long after you should have left.
Deflection-- this is another huge one.
So rather than a codependent pay attention to their spouse
has a drinking problem, or lies, or is
a shopaholic, or a gambler, or whatever,
or is having an affair, codependents
will deflect the truth, right, so they
don't have to deal with the emotions of this experience.
So they will actually lie for their partners
and lie to themselves.
Oh, it's not that bad.
She only does this once in a while.
It's OK that she lies about this.
It's OK that he cheated on me once.
He said he's never going to do it again.
So we deflect because we don't know how
to deal with our own emotions.
Codependents avoid confrontation and really
confronting their own feelings.
Kind of leads into the last thing
that I just said about deflection.
But we have this true avoidance of being
able to confront the issue that we really need to confront,
whether is my husband makes fun of me when I'm out
with my friends and I don't like it,
and I don't know to tell him.
Or my sister just drops by whenever she wants and she just
takes stuff out of my closet.
She expects me to watch her kids whenever she wants to.
We don't go to the heart of the issue.
We don't know how to.
Codependents can be manipulative.
So because they don't know how to get their needs
met and everything is kind of done
to get a need met-- in other words, taking care of somebody
is so that I can feel seen and taking care of someone
is so that I can find a sense of worth.
And when we feel like we've been slighted,
rather than-- because we just don't have the tools to do it.
I grew up with my mom watching her do this--
my dad had high narcissistic traits.
My mom had high codependent traits.
And rather than tell my dad that he upset her,
my mother would just shut down.
She would stop talking.
Or she would take the credit card
and she would go buy a new comforter for the bed.
Or she would be very sarcastic to him.
This is how she let him know that she was pissed off.
But what she should have been able to do
was accept how she feels, set a boundary,
and then expect him to change his behavior.
And if he didn't, well, then that's the next step.
That's understanding the consequences
of setting a boundary.
OK.
So how it shows up, we lack a self-care routine.
We will spend all our time making sure
that our kids have what they need
or our mother has what they need.
We'll pamper other people, but we won't pamper the self.
In our daily life, we take on way more than we should.
So we're taking care of our house,
and now our kids just bought a house,
and now we're over in our kids house pulling out their weeds.
So, again, there's this lack of boundaries
and how we permeate into the lives of everyone else
without our own perimeter.
At work, we are taking on the work of other people.
In the house, we're taking care of things
that other people should be taking care of.
We shouldn't be making the beds of adult children, right?
We shouldn't have to do things for adults
if they can do for themselves.
But it doesn't matter.
If you suffer from codependency, in your daily life,
you are exasperated because you take care of everyone else
and you're not taking care of the self.
In your daily life, you ruminate.
You ruminate.
Your mind is going 1,000 miles an hour.
You're worrying about who needs what.
You're worrying about how you can say something
to someone to help their life, help them work their life out.
You are worried about what other people think about you.
You are trying to manage and control
how other people see you.
And so in your daily life, your mind
is ruminating about all of these different issues.
And what we fail to realize as codependents
is that we're not focused on the self
and what we truly need at all.
We value other people's feelings.
So we know how other people feel,
but we don't know how we feel.
We know what other people like to eat,
but we don't know what we like to eat.
We have a difficult time making decisions
when it comes back to I. So we go out to dinner and--
we go out to dinner with five or six people,
what would you like to eat?
We're waiting to see what everyone else is going to eat.
We're waiting to see if everyone's having water,
or are they having a glass of wine?
If they have water, we'll have water.
If they have a glass of wine, maybe we'll
have a glass of wine.
And so there's this constant inability for us
to be anchored in the self because we don't have a-- well,
there is a self.
We're just so obsessed with other things and other people,
and our lives have become so unmanageable
because we take on stuff from other people
that now the self that we have is lost in this abyss.
Huge thing for you if you suffer from codependency
is you can't identify a single emotion, right?
So it's like you can't identify how you feel.
And if you can't identify how you feel,
you can't set a boundary.
And you can't create dreams in your life
if you can't identify how you feel.
You can't tell people what you really need.
And you can't satisfy your own needs
if you don't know how you feel.
You minimize yourself.
If you suffer from codependency, you
minimize your accomplishments.
You never feel good enough.
You could paint the house inside and outside,
and have the most beautiful garden in the world,
you could be really thin, and you
could be-- your face could be perfect,
and your kids could look perfect,
you might have the perfect car and the perfect job,
but you still feel worthless.
There's nothing that you are doing
allows you to feel good enough.
You minimize your accomplishments.
So you have a wonderful job, and you have healthy children,
and you have--
maybe in your case, you have a relationship
that is really, really functional,
but it doesn't matter.
You'll never give yourself credit.
You'll never see the good in your life.
And in the back of your head and in the pit of your stomach,
you're always not good enough so you will always
devalue yourself.
Very difficult for you to accept a compliment.
And you will minimize yourself day in and day
out regardless of what you've achieved.
You don't see yourself as lovable.
Yeah, you take care of everybody.
Yeah, you take care of the house.
Yeah, you're a nurse.
Yeah, you're a fireman.
Yeah, you're a doctor.
Yeah.
You join the Peace Corps, right?
And you have all these wonderful, empathic qualities,
but you don't really see yourself as lovable.
So it's sort of like in the back of our head
it's like, I hope they see value in me.
If I do this, they'll see value in me.
If I do this, maybe I'm lovable.
If I do this, maybe I'm worthy.
You don't have empathy for the self.
You have empathy for everybody else,
but you don't have empathy for the self.
You'll say to your neighbor across the street,
you shouldn't do that for your kids.
They're 35.
Or you know what?
Your daughter-in-law talks to you like you're nothing,
and maybe you need to set a boundary.
You'll have that empathy for your neighbor,
but in a same situation, put you in the same situation,
you'll have zero empathy for the self.
You will be exasperated, and exhausted,
and full of angst and guilt worrying
about what your daughter-in-law thinks
about you because you said no.
Or you'll be afraid to tell the grandchildren no.
You can't you can't drink in my basement.
You're 16 years old.
You can't bring your friends through the window
and drink in my basement.
You're 15 years old or whatever.
Anytime you need to set a boundary for the self
and show up for the self, you're not
going to be able to do it because you lack empathy
for the self.
Ugh.
Huge-- you can't ask for help.
You don't feel worthy of asking for help.
You've been programmed to worry about everybody
else but yourself.
So this idea that you are permitted to ask for help
is completely foreign to you.
You don't have the programming for it.
You see yourself as the broom, as the mop, and the dustpan,
and the garbage pail.
You are the person who takes care of everything.
Nobody takes care of you.
You have a difficult time finishing projects.
You can start something, but you have a difficult time
finishing it, right?
So there's procrastination involved.
Well, you know what?
When you're not used to being the center of your life,
it's hard to finish a project for yourself.
But if your next door neighbor had
needed to clean out a closet, you'd be there
and you'd stay there till sundown making sure
that her closet was cleaned out.
One of the saddest things that we deal with as codependents
is that we fear intimacy, right?
At our core, there's so much shame,
and there's so much guilt because we
came from unpredictable homes where
we were programmed to feel unloved, right, because
of the chaos in our home.
Our parents weren't paying attention to us.
They weren't nurturing us.
So there's tremendous emotional neglect.
There is tremendous unpredictability.
There's abuse by commission, which
is a violation, an overt violation, perhaps hitting,
sexual abuse, that type of abuse.
And then there's abuse by omission.
And it's really, really difficult
as a codependent who's come from a home
where we can't point to the actual abuse, right?
So we feel like it must be us.
My mother didn't love me so that must mean that I am unlovable.
And these ideas get impressed before the age
of seven lots of the times.
And it can take a lifetime to undo.
And so one of the most difficult things that we struggle with
is this inability to get close to people, right?
I've coached so many men and women who
have had mothers and fathers.
And we all sort of say the same thing
where there's always been a pane of glass, right?
So if you're a codependent, you're very loving
and you're trying really, really hard,
but you might have a pane of glass between you
and your own inner child or you and your own self.
You just can't break through this pane of glass
that prevents you from merging with your authentic self.
And it's difficult because when it's difficult for us
to consciously break through that pane of glass,
right, which are all our patterns and our programs--
and breaking through that can be very
difficult-- it's very difficult for us
to connect to other people.
And so what we do is we have this pane of glass here.
And we're just caught up in these behaviors of being.
And people aren't able to get close to us.
And lots of times, people can feel that, right?
And so we want to be loved in an authentic way,
but we struggle with it.
And we attract people who are very oftentimes
emotionally unavailable.
We attract people who need to be fixed
and who want to be catered to.
And so we end up with the short end of the stick in childhood
and adulthood.
But here's the thing, right?
We're all born asleep, and the only person who can fix this
is you.
The only person who can fix this for me is me.
So healing from codependency, there
are plenty of things that we can do.
But I think the major step that we
have to take today, for anybody who is suffering
or thinks they might be suffering from codependency,
is recognizing the symptoms and the characteristics
of codependency so that you can identify as being someone
with codependency.
And so now that if this resonates with you, now
at least you know what was wrong.
It's not you.
It's just your programming.
And now at least you're on the path to emotional recovery.
You can learn more about codependency in my book
The Road Back To Me.
And if you're interested in learning
about how to break through some patterns,
you can check out my book "Codependent Now What?
It's Not You, It's Your Programming."
I also have a 12-week breakthrough coaching program
that helps you heal from codependency that I
moderate along with a team.
And we host that twice a year in August and in February.
And you can register for the next class now if you like.
Do not despair.
Dear one, I can tell you that when my therapist told me that
I was clinically depressed-- but he said, well,
you're clinically depressed because you're co-dependent--
I was excited as I was confused.
What?
I thought codependency just had to do with people
who had alcoholism and the spouses who
took care of the alcoholics.
And boy, was I wrong.
Boy, was I wrong.
So this is an exciting time.
And dive in to learning more about codependency.
And know that you can join CoDA.
You can join Al-Anon.
These are free support groups.
You can find a support group, I think, almost anywhere
in the world.
And that would be a great place to start.
So thank you so much for being here,
and I hope you're enjoying my channel, dear ones.
And you can actually-- if you click the Subscribe button
and the notification bell, you will
be entered to win a one-year-long membership
to my breakthrough warrior membership site
all about healing from codependency and narcissistic
abuse.
So as always, I'm bowing to love and a light that is absolutely
in you.
Bye for now.