♪♪
-Let's get to the news.
President Biden today attended the White House Easter Egg Roll.
However, due to inflation, the kids all had to share one egg.
[ Laughter ]
[ As Biden ] I'm gonna need that back, guys, too.
New York mayor Eric Adams recently tested positive
for the coronavirus,
and it's the first positive result he's had.
[ Laughter ]
New Jersey is set this week to begin allowing the sale
of recreational marijuana, so now when people drive
into Jersey, instead of, "What's that smell?"
They'll be saying, "Ooh, what's that smell?"
[ Laughter ]
The Florida Department of Education announced last week
that the state has rejected over 50 math textbooks
from next school year's curriculum due to references
to critical race theory.
What kind of word problems do those books have?
"If Johnny has to buy 30 apples
for the Black Panther meetings..."
[ Laughter ]
The Boston Marathon was held today.
It's the only marathon that starts with someone yelling --
[ Boston accent ] "Cops are here!"
[ Laughter ]
A Florida man was arrested recently
after authorities found a baby alligator, firearms, and drugs
in his car during a traffic stop,
so they had to cancel the gender reveal party.
[ Laughter ]
Authorities in Spain recently detained a fishing boat
that was carrying more than 6,000 pounds of cocaine
in a fuel tank, which was dumb,
because they could have gotten way more for the fuel.
[ Laughter ]
The athletic apparel company Lululemon
will launch a program this week where customers can exchange
their gently used clothing items for e-gift cards.
Or, if you prefer cash, there's always Gary.
[ Laughter ]
"Oh, hey, before you go in the store, I'll pay double.
Gently used, super used. Eh.
Gary's not picky is what I'm saying."
And finally, a man in Florida recently broke
a Guinness World Record by watching the movie
"Spider-Man: No Way Home" 292 times,
and then set another world record
by watching "Morbius" twice.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
In a new interview, the Russian ambassador to the U.S.
said that he hasn't talked to President Vladimir Putin
since 2017.
"Yes, you have," said a houseplant.
[ Laughter ]
After a federal judge ruled yesterday
that the CDC mask mandate
on public transportation was unlawful,
New York's MTA announced that it will still enforce the mandate.
However, you are allowed to briefly pull the mask down
to smoke weed on the subway car during the morning rush hour.
[ Laughter ]
In a new special, Fox News host Tucker Carlson
discussed a red-light therapy called testicle tanning
that advocates claim can raise testosterone levels.
Oh, I think there's a place on the corner that does that.
[ Laughter ]
So you should stop by.
Pretty cool.
New York City, you know.
Tesla CEO Elon Musk said in a new interview
that he does not own a home
and has just been staying with friends.
Listen, we know you're lying.
You're a billionaire.
You don't have any friends. [ Laughter ]
That's right, Elon Musk says that he does not own a home
and has just been staying with friends.
Man, it's got to be pretty galling to come home from work
and the world's richest man is watching "Jeopardy!"
and eating your Cheerios. [ Laughter ]
That's like Snoop coming over to bum some weed.
[ Laughter ]
The New York Daily News published an op-ed yesterday
by disgraced former Governor Andrew Cuomo,
though it was weird he put that in his byline.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new survey, a quarter of Americans
said that they would want a professional biographer
to write the story of their life,
while some literally can't get them to stop.
[ Laughter ]
West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin
reportedly told a crowd
at a $5,000-a-plate fundraiser last month
that he plans to run for reelection in 2024.
Well, I should hope so.
Although it would be hilarious
to charge people $5,000 for a chicken cutlet
and then announce your retirement.
[ Laughter ]
"Old Joe is goin' fishin'.
Enjoy the chicken, suckers."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, according to a new survey,
42% of Americans said that if they had the chance
to meet their favorite celebrity,
they would ask for a selfie,
or in my experience, directions to Times Square.
[ Laughter ]
"Oh, sure, anything, anything for a fan.
Hey, while I'm here, you want a selfie?
You don't. Okay.
How about I take a picture of you?
Just -- No? Okay.
Right down there."
♪♪
According to a new book,
President Biden proposed to First Lady Dr. Jill Biden
five times before she agreed to marry him.
So basically, he proposed marriage the same way
he ran for President.
[ As Biden ] How about now?
Okay, how about now?
A growing number of top Russian officials
are reportedly starting to question
President Vladimir Putin's invasion of Ukraine.
Which means there's about to be a shrinking number
of Russian officials.
[ Laughter ]
Texas Senator Ted Cruz criticized Disney yesterday
for opposing Florida's so-called Don't Say Gay bill,
and questioned what kind of content
the company will now produce, adding,
"In every episode now,
they're gonna have Mickey and Pluto going at it."
What are you talking about?
In every episode?
You have to build up to something like that.
That's season finale stuff.
The FBI recently arrested a man
for participating in the Capitol attack
after he was turned in by the driver
of the Uber he took after the insurrection.
Well, that'll teach him to give 3-star rating.
[ Laughter ]
Politico this week published its first election forecast
for the 2022 midterm cycle.
Not to be outdone, Fox New already called it.
[ Laughter ]
The fast food chain Popeye's announced plans yesterday
to launch a flagship in Times Square.
Man, I miss the gritty days of this city,
when the only place to eat in Times Square
was the Olive Garden.
[ Laughter ]
And unnamed worker has filed a labor complaint
that alleges Nintendo violated their right to unionize.
Well, it wouldn't be the first time they tried
to sow discord by pitting tradesmen against each other.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new study, the legalization of marijuana
lowers the demand for prescription medication.
I mean, sure, why go all the way to Duane Reade
when you can just go to Dwayne?
[ Laughter ]
And finally -- thank you to my drug dealer, Dwayne,
for letting me use his picture, by the way.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, I guess that's one of the nice things
about, you know, the decriminalization of it all.
Two years ago, he'd be like, "No, man."
And now he's like, "No, yeah."
[ Laughter ]
"I don't know, you can put my number up, too."
And finally, in a new interview,
the co-founder of Arizona Beverages said that
the brand's popular iced tea will remain priced at 99 cents,
despite inflation, which sounds amazing
until you see how much they've shrunk their iced cans.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
After a clip was released yesterday
of former President Trump storming out of an interview
with journalist Piers Morgan,
a spokesman for Trump called the preview
a "pathetic attempt to revive the career
of a failed television host."
Buddy, you're gonna have to be more specific.
[ Laughter ]
That's right -- Piers Morgan released a clip from an interview
with former President Trump that he claims will be
"the most explosive interview of the year."
Well, it's certainly gonna be the sweatiest!
I mean, look -- He looks like Jigsaw
just told him he has an hour to name all the state capitals.
[ Laughter ]
After the Capitol attack, Senate Majority Leader --
sorry -- Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell
reportedly told -- he was the majority at the time.
[ Laughter ]
No, he wasn't. Was he?
After January 6th, was he?
-Yeah. Before, right?
-Yeah, but on January -- Oh, no, he wasn't. You know what?
I think the important thing right now is that this
is good television.
[ Laughter ]
Nobody's gonna argue that.
[ Laughter ]
After the Capitol attack,
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell
reportedly told his advisors that he thought
former President Trump was responsible for the insurrection
and added, "The Democrats are going
to take care of the son of a bitch for us."
Oh, come on, Mitch. You've been around politics for a long time.
When have the Democrats ever taken care of anything?
[ Laughter and groans ]
Rudy Giuliani appeared on --
Oh, I'm sorry you had to find out here.
[ Laughter ]
Rudy Giuliani appeared on "The Masked Singer" last night
in a jack-in-the-box costume
and sang the song "Bad to the Bone."
I mean, that is just unbelievable.
Somebody famous was on "The Masked Singer"!
[ Laughter ]
The new CNN+ streaming service
is reportedly shutting down on April 30th
after launching less than a month ago.
Well, I'm not surprised.
You already have a 24-hour news channel,
and you couldn't even fill that with news.
Don't get me wrong. I'd watch Tucci go anywhere.
The Trump International Hotel in Washington, D.C.,
is set to be sold in the coming days
to a Florida-based investor group
led by this intriguing mystery man.
[ Laughter ]
Disney World on Tuesday lifted its remaining mask requirements,
and it is really freaking out the kids.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Tyranny's over!
[ Laughter ]
The organizers of the Tony Awards
have issued a warning to attendees
that this year's ceremony has a "strict no-violence policy,"
which is obviously a response to that time
that guy shot Alexander Hamilton.
[ Laughter ]
People love "Hamilton" so much, they were, like, "Yeah!"
A man in Canada recently discovered
through a DNA test that his biological father
was his former coworker,
though he probably should've figured it out sooner.
[ Laughter ]
Just, I like when I have to wait a second
'cause it's a reading joke.
[ Laughter ]
Today was National Tea Day.
Oh, do you guys want some tea? In that case...
[ Whispering ] Wally's getting fired later.
-Hey!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I'm kidding.
I went to the network brass and I said,
"Either he goes or I go!"
And they're like, "Have a great day."
And finally, according to the latest numbers,
by this summer, Netflix is projected to lose
around 2 million subscribers.
To combat this, they're tweaking the app a little.
[ Laughter ]
And that was a monologue, everybody!
♪♪
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]