- Today, I want to talk about attachment,
but not just attachment styles, whether they're good or bad,
but more about what could cause them,
and what could lead us to have one attachment
versus the other, and how that can play out in our life.
And if you want more information
specifically about attachment,
I have a video that I've done
that I'll link in the description.
Even the term attachment didn't exist until the late 1960s
when John Bowlby created what is called attachment theory.
Now he theorized that the way we attach
to our early childhood caregivers,
like our mom, our dad, grandmother, stuff like that,
will then determine how we attach and form emotional bonds
throughout the rest of our lives.
Now, the main issue that I have with John Bowlby
is that he believed a lot of attachment stuff
was kind of black and white,
like either you had one style of attachment or you didn't,
you couldn't have your hands in both buckets.
And we've learned through more current research
that with the right therapeutic support, we can heal,
and change our attachment style,
and learn to engage with the world around us
from a secure attachment viewpoint.
So kind of cool.
Now the four main styles of attachment
are number one, secure.
Now people with this kind of attachment
have trust in their long-term relationships.
They show empathy for other people,
and they seek out connection with others.
And also, most importantly,
they have little to no trouble expressing their emotions,
wants, or needs.
Sounds nice, right?
Number two is insecure ambivalent,
or what a lot of people call anxious attachment,
and people with this kind of attachment
struggle with letting people get
too emotionally close to them,
or they can fawn, or people please,
as a way to soothe their inner worry that we aren't enough.
And we can struggle with perfectionism,
and even be clingy at times.
The third style is insecure avoidant.
Now people with this type of attachment
are highly independent
in order to protect themselves from hurt,
or potential abandonment.
And this can mean that we don't allow for deep connections,
or close relationships.
We can struggle to ask for help.
We can take a long time to trust new people,
and keep most of our relationships at a distance,
and very surface level.
The fourth style is disorganized,
and people with this attachment style
can switch between anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
We can be inconsistent,
meaning we could be clingy one moment,
and then dismissive and rejecting the next,
which obviously can make it really difficult
for healthy and deep relationships.
(soft music)
When we're working to determine
what attachment style we have,
it's actually easier to see
than it is to kind of prescribe,
or try to divvy it up.
So much research around attachment
works with what we can see is present in the room
when there is a secure attachment,
and any deviation from that secure attachment
will show us kind of which direction,
is it more anxious, or avoidant, or is it more disorganized?
I hope that makes sense,
but I'll tell you the four things that we see
when there's a secure attachment,
and how the deviations from that
could lead us into another attachment style.
Okay, I hope you're following.
Now the first is what they call proximity maintenance.
And this is the desire to be near the people
that we are attached to.
This means that if I'm a baby,
let's say I'm like a little toddler,
and my mom comes in the room.
I'm gonna want to run directly to her.
I'm gonna want to be close to her, right?
And even as an adult, if Sean is around,
and we're, let's say at an event,
periodically through the night,
I'm gonna work my way towards him.
Check in, see how he's doing.
I want to be close to him, I'm attached to him.
The second that we look at is called safe haven.
And what this really means
is that we return to the attachment figure,
meaning like that mom or dad,
or I was talking about how I'm attached to Sean, right?
We return to that attachment figure for comfort and safety
when we face a fear or a threat.
So if something's happening where I feel threatened,
maybe I go into fight, flight, right?
If, as quickly as I can, or as quickly as I'm able,
I'm gonna go towards the person that I'm attached to.
Like in my case, at this stage, it's Sean.
Right, I'm gonna turn to him for comfort.
I'm gonna turn to him to help soothe my system.
And if someone's doing that,
that means they have a secure attachment.
The third is known as secure base.
Now this is when the attachment figure
acts as a base of security
from which the child can explore
the surrounding environment,
meaning that they're almost like a safe foundation, right.
I can go out, I can explore and learn,
and then I can come back to my secure base.
Then I feel soothed, I feel okay.
They're still there.
Hmm, I go back out.
And so it's kind of like this bouncing back and forth
from our secure base, out into the environment.
And if any of you have been following me
for any amount of time,
I've talked about how important attachment is
for that very reason,
because children who don't form secure attachments,
don't feel safe to explore the world on their own,
because when they come back,
they don't know what they're going to get, right?
Maybe their caregiver isn't there.
Maybe they're not emotionally available.
Maybe sometimes when they come back, they get in trouble.
Right?
And so all of that can play into us
feeling safe and secure enough to go explore,
to learn about our world, and to return.
And the fourth and final thing that we see
within a secure attachment is known as separation distress.
And this is the anxiety that occurs
in the absence of an attachment figure,
which I remember when my mom first dropped me off
at daycare, I cried horribly.
And then I was able to soothe, I was okay,
but that distress,
me being separated from my primary caregiver,
my attachment figure, oh,
it caused me so much distress.
But again, I was able to calm.
I was able to move on,
but that distress at the beginning
shows that I did have attachment to that person.
I would prefer them to be around,
but in their absence, I can self-soothe.
I do have the tools.
I believe that she will come back,
and then we'll dig into that a little bit more,
but just know that separation distress,
and how long it lasts, or how intense it is,
is something that we look at
when we are trying to identify our attachment style.
Along with those four things that we can observe
when we watch a child engage with their caregiver,
it's also important to look at how caregivers
interact with their children,
and a lot of psychologists,
and other mental health professionals believe that that
is also a key pillar of attachment,
and what could contribute to our attachment style.
And one of those pillars,
or one of those things they believe is important to watch
is emotion regulation.
Now, caregivers who model healthy, emotional regulation,
and engage with their children in a healthy way
is thought to be one of those things
that helps us form a healthy attachment.
And this could mean that when we're upset,
we felt free to be upset.
And our caregiver offered us soothing support and comfort.
On the flip side,
if we grew up in a home where emotions were off limits,
or maybe when we were upset, we were yelled at,
or told to go to our room.
Then as we get older,
we can struggle to accept our emotions,
and prefer to ignore them completely.
Another thing we want to look at
is what's known as attunement.
Now, attunement is our caregiver's ability
to be aware of and respond to our needs.
For example, if we we are crying,
and our mom realizes that we're hungry,
then she's gonna feed us, and take care of that need.
Knowing that our needs will be attended to
is key in developing a healthy, emotional attachment
to our parents.
And this can be difficult if we don't communicate affection
in the same way as our parents,
or are needing something from them
that they aren't able to give us.
And this could come into play
if one of us has ASD, or autism spectrum disorder,
or if our parents are struggling
with their own attachment issues from childhood,
they can get kind of complicated,
and cause us to have maybe a different type of attachment,
like insecure avoidant, or disorganized.
Another thing we want to look at is comfort and soothing.
Meaning how did our parents respond
when we were in pain or upset?
Did they try to dismiss our pain?
Maybe they were unintentionally invalidating to us,
or they're afraid of our negative emotions,
feeling like they're too much,
or maybe they even just ignore them altogether.
This can really go either way.
But if our parents don't allow
for what maybe they think are
quote, unquote, negative emotions.
Maybe they tell us to go to our room
if we're expressing any of those emotions,
or stop making so much noise,
being so sensitive, et cetera,
this can cause us to struggle with attachment.
That doesn't really allow for a secure attachment to form.
And this can also occur in the opposite version,
meaning helicopter parents.
We can feel like we don't have the space
we need to process our emotions,
that someone's constantly looking over us,
telling us what to do, or to look out, don't do that.
That could be dangerous, right?
And we can feel smothered by their protection,
or their hypervigilance.
And that honestly, in the future,
without getting into it too much
can even lead to us having those behaviors
of hypervigilance,
and not trusting our gut when it comes to things,
and not feeling safe, again,
to go out into the environment and come back,
all of that's really important.
So you can see it can kind of go either way.
Almost done.
We also want to look at their response to our failures,
as well as our successes.
It's important for our caregivers
to give us a place to come back to when we failed,
and take the time to celebrate when we succeed.
They should let us know that we can practice more,
and get it next time,
or that they're proud of us and how well we did.
It's important that we don't feel like our parent's love
is conditional.
And I mean, even just that sentence,
you can see how that would affect our attachment,
and why that's so important.
Oh, well, hello.
Are you overly attached, baby girl?
I know, I'm almost done.
Almost done, let's not clog my, okay.
And the final thing we want to look at is enjoyment,
and valuing of us.
Meaning did we get positive attention from our parents.
Were we seen, did we feel seen?
Or did we feel like they enjoyed spending time with us,
and valued that time?
This can be really hard
when parents work away from home a lot,
we can struggle to attach healthfully to that parent,
because we don't really feel like they ever see us,
or enjoy spending time with us,
because frankly, we don't really see them,
and we don't really spend that much time.
And when we're younger,
this can be the one on one time we get with a parent.
That's really important.
Especially if you have multiple children in a family,
children still need to feel like they are personally,
independently important.
It could also be getting goofy with your mom or dad.
I remember my dad was always the goofy one,
and he would wrestle on the floor with us,
and tickle fights, and stuff like that,
until I couldn't take it anymore.
And you need to have that kind of play
with your parents as well.
It's not all seriousness, obviously.
And so overall the time that we spend
where we feel like our parents
are really enjoying being around us,
and they give us their undivided attention consistently
is another important component in the development
of our attachment style.
As you can see,
there's so much that goes into our attachment styles,
and why it can shift over time,
and different experiences can affect it.
And so hopefully this helped you better understand your own,
but what was one surprising thing you learned in this video,
or maybe something that you know about attachment
that was helpful for you in your healing process?
Please share those in the comments down below.
Thank you so much for watching,
and I will see you next time.
(soft music)
And a lot of the.
Hm?
It's not a script, so I'm not.
- [Sean] No, I get it.
- Cried or.
Maybe they in an, unintentionally.
It's also important to in.