FOLKS, YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS, BUT I HAVE A NUMBER OF PRE-SHOW
RITUALS HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW," AND THE HOME AUDIENCE NEVER GETS
TO SEE.
LET'S JUST SAY, I GO THROUGH A TON OF GOATS.
ALSO, BEFORE EACH AND EVERY TAPING I COME OUT HERE AND TAKE
A FEW AUDIENCE QUESTIONS.
WE RECORDED A FEW.
TAKE A LOOK.
( APPLAUSE )
QUESTIONS I COULD ANSWER BEFORE I GET GOING?
YES, YOUNG LADY.
>> Stephen: DO THIS!
OSLENDER AS A WILLOW WAND, OH, CLEARER THAN CLEAR WATER, OH,
READ BY THE LIVING POOL, FAIR RIVER DAUGHTER.
OH, SPRINGTIME AND SUMMERTIME AND SPRING AGAIN AFTER.
A WIND ON THE WATERFALL AND THE LEAVES' LAUGHTER.
( APPLAUSE )
MARRIED!
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHEN A MAN AND A WOMAN LOVE EACH OTHER VERY
MUCH-- I KNOW WHAT THE QUESTION IS-- THEY SHARE A SPECIAL HUG--
WHAT WAS YOUR QUESTION.
>> I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAD ANY MARRIAGE ADVICE.
>> Stephen: DO NOT HESITATE TO SAY, "I'M SORRY."
BECAUSE YOU DON'T LOSE ANYTHING-- YOU CAN'T-- WHY ARE
YOU LOOKING AT HIM?
SEE, "SEE, I TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU, YOU SHOULD SAY."
NOW SAY SORRY TO HER RIGHT NOW.
IT WORKS BEAUTIFULLY.
I'VE BEEN MARRIED 25 YEARS.
DON'T BE AFRAID TO SAY, "YOU'RE SORRY," BECAUSE YOU DON'T LOSE.
>> Stephen: DO I HAVE A FAVORITE SOUVENIR FROM THE LAST
SHOW?
YEAH, CAPTAIN AMERICA SHIELD RIGHT THERE.
( APPLAUSE )
THE SHIELD IN A BIG BOX AND A LETTER.
AND THE LETTER SAID THAT THEY READ CAPS WILL, AND IN THE WILL
HE SAID THAT THE ONLY ONE PATRIOTIC ENOUGH TO WIELD THE
SHIELD WAS MY OLD CHARACTER STEPHEN COLBERT.
I SHOWED IT TO MY WIFE AND HAD HER READ THE LETTER, AND SHE
KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT COMIC BOOKS OR SUPER HEROES OR ANYTHING LIKE
THAT.
SHE READ IT AND LOOKED UP WITH TEARS IN HER EYES AND SAID, "I
HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ANY OF THIS MEANS, BUT I'M SO PROUD OF YOU."
>> Stephen: IS YOUR OPINION ON CHICAGO PIZZA THE SAME AS JON
STEWART'S?
WELL, I KNOW THAT JON STEWART THINKS THAT CHICAGO PIZZA IS FOR
ANIMALS.
MY OPINION ON CHICAGO PIZZA IS THIS, IS THAT I LIVED IN CHICAGO
FOR 11 YEARS.
>> AND LOVE CHICAGO PIZZA.
( APPLAUSE )
PIZZA-- AND I LIKE A NICE THIN CRUST.
I'M NOT SAYING ONE IS BETTER THAN THE OTHER.
WHAT I DO-- I WILL SAY THIS ABOUT CHICAGO PIZZA-- IT IS
ALMOST ENTIRELY BUT NOT COMPLETELY NOT PIZZA.
IT IS A BUTTER CRUST BABY POOL FILLED WITH CHEESE SAUCE.
( LAUGHTER )
TO REALLY APPRECIATE.
AND I LOVE IT.
BUT IT'S REALLY-- IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOUTH NEIGHBORRIA TO HAVE A
CHICAGO PIZZA BECAUSE IT WILL PUT YOU DOWN LIKE A TERRIER WITH
HIP DYSPLASIA.
IT IS NARC LEAPTIC INDUCING.
DO YOU LIKE CHICAGO PIZZA?
>> I'M FROM NEW YORK.
I'VE NEVER HAD A CHICAGO PIZZA.
>> Stephen: YES, MA'AM, IN THE WHITE SWEATER.
THAT'S YOU.
OR GRAY.
>> Stephen: JON?
WHERE DID WE FIRST MEET?
THAT'S RIGHT, EXACTLY.
"THE COLBERT REPORT."
JON WAS A GUEST ON THE SHOW.
I DIDN'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT JON.
MY BOOKER SAID, "YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS GUY."
AND YOU CAME ON AND I WENT TO INTERVIEW YOU, AND I HAD SOME
CARDS IN MY HAND, AND YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT IMPROVISATION IN
JAZZ AND YOU SAID...
>> Jon: I LIKE TO IMPROVISE, BUT YOU LIKE TO READ THOSE
CARDS, I SEE.
>> Stephen: AND I SPENT THE FIRST 10 YEARS OF MY CAREER AS
AN IMPROVISOR AT SECOND CITY AND I THREW THE CARDS AWAY AND GOT
UP REAL CLOSE, WE GOT FACE TO FACE, AND I SAID, "LET'S TALK."
AND I THREW YOUR ALBUM AWAY TOO.
AFTER THE WHOLE THING WAS OVER, ESPECIALLY AFTER THEY PLAYED AND
TORE THE ROOF OFF THE PLACE, I THOUGHT I COULD SPEND A LOT OF
TIME WITH THAT GUY.
IT WAS KISMET.
IT WAS A VERY HAPPY ACCIDENT.
THANK YOU, I THANK ALL OF YOU ALL.
THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.
HE HAS THE NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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