And so it just made sense for me to go on a mission,
and it just made sense to follow those cultural norms
and go forward with faith.
And so when I found out that I didn't really believe anything,
I also realized I never really believed anything in
the past either.
When I was 19, I had decided to serve a mission for my Church.
The typical length of a mission is about two years.
And mine lasted a total of six months. I
didn’t believe anything.
I didn't really have faith in anything that I was preaching.
I was already in Argentina where I was serving my mission.
I was trying to use the Spanish language, which I didn't know,
to teach people about this gospel that I now didn't believe in.
And I couldn't feel good about preaching something that
I had no faith in. It really felt like God didn't care about me
individually, not for one single second.
Other missionaries received revelation
and were able to understand what they were supposed to say at
any given moment. And I was sitting here waiting
for some big thing to just show me who I was and why it mattered.
God said nothing; He didn’t say “hello.”
I contacted my mission president, and I said: “Hey, I’m going home.
No more, all right?” I didn’t ask for help.
I didn’t say “I’m struggling.” I just said: “I’m done.
I’m going home.”
I remember strategically placing my Spanish Sudoku book over my
left chest where my name badge was.
I didn’t want anybody to see the
name of Jesus Christ on my chest, because I could’t talk about it.
I went home, and I was still determined that
I was going to try to find the gospel and find my faith,
because, again, I knew that it was a good thing.
I knew that the principles, everything taught,
the basis and foundation of the gospel
and God's teachings are good.
It created incredible people—not just incredible church members,
not just incredible Church leaders, incredible people,
because I knew that I wasn't
the first person to have these thoughts.
I didn’t believe that I was some new, new-aged free thinker.
There had to be something there.
But there was one day where me
my family went to a family friend's house.
It was actually my my best friend's house.
And his father was the bishop of my ward growing up.
I walked in the home fully expecting something to happen
just to make it awkward. But he looked at me, and he grabbed me.
He said, “I’m so glad to have you here.”
There was no spiritual interrogation.
There was no pretending that nothing had happened.
There was just unadulterated love. That’s it.
That's the grace of God.
I decided I was going to continue to try to find things. I was at
this point where I can take that single step and give up or
I could take those several thousand steps away from that
precipice and continue trying.
And so I decided I was going to continue try that desire to find
God and to know God is what allowed me to go forward and try.
And I needed to stick to that.
And it took a long while, and frankly,
it was very frustrating, and it was far too great for for me.
But I eventually found a few things.
Through lots of prayer and lots of study,
I was able to grab a piece of faith, and
I found my faith in prayer. That's all I had at this moment.
That’s the only thing that I had a belief in prayer, and
I believed in God hearing and answering my prayers.
It felt so powerful that I had one thing.
I didn't really believe in much else.
But now I believed in God, and I believe in prayer.
And because I had that,
I felt so overwhelmed that I needed to,
I needed to continue finding these pieces.
And as I started recognizing those small things,
I started gathering those pieces and putting them together.
And the small things really were just small things.
Somebody says “h”i to me
when I was really, really wanting somebody say “hi” to me,
I would meet a new friend that would understand
a lot of my depression. And that happened. And she was so helpful.
At one point, somebody sent me a text at
the perfect moment exactly what I needed,
and just these random things that seemed like nothing.
They can easily, easily seem like nothing and be passed off
as nothing. But there's something there.
I think it was hard for me to find those pieces of faith
because I was so focused on receiving some big answer.
I put preconditions on what God was giving me.
And so there was a bunch of “toddler miracles,” if you will,
that were just right here,
unable to be let in because I was so focused
on receiving something so big.
And once I got over that, and once I realized that
I can't put preconditions on God,
then I was able to start gathering those pieces
because God doesn't put preconditions on me.
To be fully candid, I still have many things that I don't have.
I still have many pieces that I need to find.
And to be honest, I still deal a lot with depression.
And I don't think that will ever go away.
I think that's going to be a lifelong thing.
I'm OK with that. I'm OK with that because I have
the pieces that I have. And I'm so glad to have those.
And I know that God wants me to be there,
that he looks at me and He says, “I’m so glad to have you here.”
And I can turn to God. And I can say, “I’m so glad to be here.”
What more could I possibly want?