WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
AND WELCOME TO A WHOLE NEW WORLD, BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT THAT
HILARIOUS "DONALD TRUMP RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT" THING?
HE MEANT IT!
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF
YOU HAVE TALK SHOWS-- JUST ME.
BUT FOR ME, THIS IS A REAL MIXED BLESSING. YOU SEE-- AND THIS IS
TRUE-- WHEN TRUMP ANNOUNCED HE WAS RUNNING BACK IN JUNE, IT WAS
A FEW MONTHS BEFORE THIS SHOW STARTED.
AND WE WERE SO CONVINCED IT WOULDN'T LAST, THAT WE RUSHED TO
MAKE A VIDEO TO PUT ON THE INTERNET SO WE WOULDN'T MISS A
CHANCE TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT HIM ( LAUGHTER )
TURNS OUT WE HAD NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT-- EXCEPT FOR ALL THE
THINGS WE HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP WILL BE THE FIRST MAJOR PARTY NOMINEE WHO
HASN'T HELD PREVIOUS OFFICE SINCE GENERAL DWIGHT EISENHOWER.
EISENHOWER: FACED DOWN HITLER IN WORLD WAR II.
TRUMP: FACED DOWN GILBERT GOTTFRIED AT HIS COMEDY CENTRAL
ROAST.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND IT'S FITTING THAT WE FOUND OUT TODAY, MAY THE FOURTH, WHEN
"STAR WAR FANS GREET EACH OTHER BY SAYING, "MAY THE FOURTH BE
WITH YOU."
BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE WAKING UP SAYING "WHAT THE
FOURTH IS HAPPENING?" LAST NIGHT, TRUMP GAVE A VICTORY
SPEECH WHERE HE PROMISED TO BRING THIS COUNTRY TOGETHER.
>> THIS COUNTRY, WHICH IS VERY, VERY DIVIDED IN SO MANY
DIFFERENT WAYS, IS GOING TO BECOME ONE BEAUTIFUL, LOVING
COUNTRY.
AND WE'RE GOING TO LOVE EACH OTHER.
WE'RE GOING TO CHERISH EACH OTHER.
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER.
>> Stephen: YES, WE'RE GOING TO LOVE EACH OTHER, CHERISH EACH
OTHER-- BASICALLY ALL THE THINGS YOU DO WHEN YOU THINK THE WORLD
IS GOING TO END.
LOVE AND CHERISH, PRECIOUS ♪ GOTTA HAVE LOVE IN YOUR HEART
♪ >> Stephen: JUST GOTTA LOVE.
NO DOUBT THERE WILL BE A LOT OF "TRUMP MIGHT BE PRESIDENT" SEX.
AND HE DIDN'T JUST GIVE VAGUE, MEANINGLESS-- IT'S OVER.
MY TONGUE HAS ALREADY LEFT FOR CANADA AT THIS POINT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE DIDN'T JUST GIVE US VAGUE,
MEANINGLESS PROMISES.
HE ALSO GAVE US SPECIFIC MEANINGLESS PROMISES.
>> WE'RE GOING TO WORK TOGETHER FOR MANY, MANY YEARS.
WE'RE GOING TO MAKE IT SO GOOD.
WE'RE GOING TO BE SAYING MERRY CHRISTMAS AGAIN, AND WE'RE
GOING TO BE SAYING IT.
>> Stephen: YES, WE'LL BE SAYING MERRY CHRISTMAS AGAIN.
IN FACT, I AM GOING TO START SAYING IT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I'M
NOT SURE WE'RE GOING TO MAKE IT TO DECEMBER.
( LAUGHTER ) MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MERRY CHRISTMAS!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
LAST NIGHT, TRUMP WAS VERY PRESIDENTIAL, EVEN OFFERING AN
EARLY OLIVE BRANCH TO HIS FORMER RIVAL.
>> AND JUST SO YOU UNDERSTAND TED CRUZ-- I DON'T KNOW IF HE
LIKES ME OR IF HE DOESN'T LIKE ME.
>> Stephen: I CAN ANSWER THAT ONE!
CAN I?
I KNOW THIS ONE!
A TRUMP NOMINATION IS JUST SO HARD TO PROCESS.
THIS FEELS LIKE A POLITICAL SHIFT OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS,
LIKE AN ACT OF GOD.
BUT WHY WOULD A LOVING GOD LET THIS HAPPEN?
LET'S FIND OUT.
GOD?
ARE YOU THERE?
>> YES, YES, I'M HERE, STEPHEN.
I'M HERE.
HOW ARE YOU?
HOW'S IT GOING.
GREAT-LOOKING CROWD YOU GOT DOWN THERE.
HELLO, NEW YORK!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
HO-HO-HO!
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
>> Stephen: WELL PANDERED, GOD, WELL PANDERED.
>> IT'S WHAT I DO.
I WANT PEOPLE TO LIKE ME.
>> Stephen: NOW GOD, I HAVE A DIFFICULT QUESTION FOR YOU.
>> WELL, STEPHEN, WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN VERY MUCH, THEY
EXCHANGE A SPECIAL HUG AND THEN...
>> Stephen: NO, NO, NO, GOD, NOT THAT QUESTION.
>> GOOD, CAUSE IT GETS PRETTY ICKY AFTER THAT.
>> Stephen: GOD, WHY DID YOU LET DONALD TRUMP BE THE REPUBLICAN
NOMINEE?
>> THE WHAT?
SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!
NO WAY!
THE GUY WITH WEIRD HAIR WHO SOLD STEAKS AT THE SHARPER IMAGE?
>> Stephen: YES.
HAVEN'T YOU BEEN FOLLOWING THE ELECTION?
>> OH, MY GOD.
HERE'S THE WORST.
TEACHEN, I'VE BEEN PRETTY BUSY TO FOLLOWING THE ELECTION.
I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH A SUPERNOVA IN ANOTHER GALAXY.
I HAVE GOT TO DECIDE WHO WINS THE NBA FINALS.
WHAT HAPPENED TO JEB?
I THOUGHT HE WAS A SURE THING.
>> Stephen: A LOT OF PEOPLE DID.
A LOT OF PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT.
HE WASN'T.
IT'S GOING TO BE TRUMP.
>> WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE?
I GIVE YOU FREE WILL, AND YOU NOMINATE A GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE A
MICROWAVED CIRCUS PEANUT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
THAT IS IT.
I'M TAKING AWAY YOUR OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
BYE-BYE, THUMBS.
GOOD LUCK MAKING TOOLS!
>> Stephen: PLEASE, NO!
DON'T GIVE UP ON US YET.
TRUMP MAY NOT BE PRESIDENT.
HE STILL HAS TO BEAT HILLARY OR BERNIE SANDERS.
>> BERNIE SANDERS?
THAT GUY'S OLDER THAN I AM.
TO HELL WITH THIS.
I'M MOVING TO CANADA.
GOD OUT!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WAIT!
WAIT!