where people arguing on behalf of black people
about things black people aren't even upset about.
(audience laughs)
I heard this one white lady online, she's like,
"I'm upset and outraged by the lack of diversity
"in Tim Burton movies."
(audience laughs)
And I know for a fact that black people
don't care about being in Tim Burton movies.(laughs)
It's not like I woke up this morning like,
"You know what the most difficult thing
"about being a black man in America is?
"I'm unrepresented in 'Edward Scissorhands.'"
(audience laughs)
It's not a real thing.
I don't like those white savior movies, you know?
Makes me wanna, like, flip the script,
have my own white savior movie,
where I coach a fat,
white girl through a hot dog eating contest.
(audience laughs)
Call it "The Fat Side."
(audience laughs)
She's walking down the street, she's like,
"I don't believe in myself."
I'm like, "I believe in you."
(audience laughs)
She's like, "Really, what do you see in me?"
I'm like, "A whole lotta hot dogs."
(audience laughs)
And then she chokes and dies on a hot dog.
But the good news is, I won an Oscar, so.
My mom doesn't like that joke.
She always says,
"If you don't have anything nice to say,
"then you're just like your father."
(audience laughs)
My girlfriend is white, that's just who she is,
it's not a come up.
(audience laughs)
I feel like the dangers we experience apart
are neutralized when we're together.
That makes sense?
Like one time we were on the subway platform,
facing each other,
and standing behind me, looking in her direction,
was a guy just licking his lips.
Like putting on ChapStick for way too long.
And she felt nervous.
Held my hand, felt safe.
Then standing behind her, looking in my direction,
were two fully uniformed police officers.
(audience laughs)
And I felt nervous.
Held her hand, felt safe.
(audience laughs)
And then a cop started putting on ChapStick.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, this actually happened to me recently,
I was pulled over by the cops in a cab.
Yeah, I didn't know they could do that either.
(audience laughs)
And they put on the lights and the cab driver was like,
"I dunno.
"I think I'm good."
They came and shined the lights in the backseat like,
"I'm sorry, I just wanted to make sure this guy's all right.
"We've had some robberies at gunpoint tonight."
And it made me nervous 'cause as a kid
cops would come to my school and read books to us,
but in that moment I felt like I was in a Dr. Seuss book
that was trying to demonstrate racism to children.
(audience laughs)
Just like, cop I am, I am cop.
(audience laughs)
I do not like black or woman.
I would not like them on a boat.
I would not like them on a goat.
I would not like them eating cookies.
I would not like them wearing hoodies.
(audience laughs)
I would not like them anywhere, to be honest.
(audience laughs)
Except maybe my fantasy basketball team.
(audience laughs)
And they came over like, "Where you coming from?" 91 00:03:03,914--> 00:03:05,355 I was like, "A comedy show."
They were like, "Where you going to?"
I was like, "A comedy show."
(audience laughs)
They're like, "Oh, really?
"You're a comedian?
"Tell me a joke."
(audience laughs)
I was like, "You just pulled over my cab.
(audience laughs)
"Nigga that's the joke.
"That's all you get, you goofy bitch."
(audience laughs)
I dunno.
I think race relations are getting better though.
I don't know if y'all heard,
but a KKK leader was caught with a black, gay prostitute.
(audience laughs)
Sounds progressive. (audience laughs)
'Cause he hates blacks, he hates gays,
when they're together for some reason he's like,
"Oh, I dabble." (audience laughs)
Two things he hates but became something he loves.
I get it.
I hate mayonnaise and tuna fish,
but when they're together,
who would've known? (audience laughs)
I think it's hard, for black men especially,
to talk about depression
'cause we have so many cool words available to us
to undermine how we really feel.
(audience laughs)
Like a couple of years ago I was having
some suicidal thoughts and depression,
so I checked myself into a psych unit,
and I know you guys are looking at me like,
"Jordan, but you're so handsome and well put together."
But you know what they say,
black don't crack, only psychologically.
(audience laughs)
I got out of the psych unit
and a friend of mine was like, "Are you okay, man? 133 00:04:36,677--> 00:04:37,510 "Is everything all right?"
But I had so many cool words available to me
I was like, "Yeah, I was just trippin'."
(audience laughs)
But I wasn't just trippin', I had a severe mental breakdown.
If anything I might've been buggin' but I wasn't trippin'.
I went to see my therapist, he was like,
"How was your week?"
I was like, "I was on one."
He looked at my prescription like,
"You're suppose to be on two."
(audience laughs)