>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DELIGHTFUL.
LOUIS, WE HAVE A COUPLE OF WONDERFUL GUESTS ON TONIGHT.
HUGH DANCY FROM THE NEW "DOWNTON ABBEY" MOVIE IS GOING TO BE
HERE.
( APPLAUSE ) AND ALSO MR. JOSH BROLIN, MY OLD
BUDDY FROM MY RODEO DAYS -- I WAS A RODEO CLOWN FOR A WHILE --
AND JOSH WILL BE HERE TO TAKE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TONIGHT.
ONE TO TO HAVER COLBERT QUESIONERT'S WE'VE DONE.
YOU ALSO HAVE SPECIAL GUEST.
TELL EVERYBODY WHO'S SITTING WITH THE BAND.
>> MR. JAVAN -- TIVON PENNICOTT.
>> Stephen: AND WHO'S THE YUNG LADY.
DAVID BYRNE FROM "AMERICAN UTOPIA" AND WE'VE GOT ANGIE
SWAN.
>> Stephen: HI, ANGIE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND
MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, SURVEYING THE
NEWS MARKET FOR THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, THEN CAREFULLY
SELECTING THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL BUFFALO NEWS HIDE WHICH
I THEN SOAK USING NATURAL PRING AND LIMEWATER-- ONLY DURING THE
COLDER MONTHS-- AND SCRAPE IT UNTIL IT IS EVENLY TRANSLUCENT
AND SUPPLE.
THEN, USING THE TRADITIONAL PUSH-KNIFE METHOD, I DELICATELY
MAKE MORE THAN 3,000 CUTS TO CREATE AN EMOTIVE AND POWERFUL
FIGURINE WHICH I DECORATE WITH GRADATIONS AND CONTRAST,
EMPLOYING THE SHAN-SHE REGION FIVE-COLOR SYSTEM.
THEN I CAREFULLY CONNECT THE FIGURINE'S JOINTS WITH COTTON
THREAD SO THEY CAN BE OPERATED FREELY, AND FIRE UP A PAPER
LANTERN BEHIND A FINE HWONG-JOE SILK SCREEN, AND, BACKED BY A
SUO-NA HORN, A YOO-EH-CHEEN, AND BANHU FIDDLE, I OPERATE NO LESS
THAN FIVE OF THESE FIGURINES AT ONCE, BECOMING THE LIVING
EMBODIMENT OF THE 1,000-HAND GWAN-YIN, TO MOUNT FOR YOU THE
EPIC AND MOVING TONG DYNASTY PI-YING SHADOW PLAY THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES-- SOMETIMES, FOLKS--
IT'S CRAFTSMANSHIP.
>> IT GOES LIKE THAT Y RIGHT THERE.
>> Stephen: SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I AM PECKED
AWAKE BY A DIRTY SEAGULL ON THE INTRA-COASTAL WATERWAY, WHILE
STILL LYING ON THE BACK OF A MANATEE WHO RESCUED ME FROM SOME
ARMS DEALERS I DOUBLE-CROSSED OFF CAPE FEAR, AND WHO THEN
DUMPS ME ON AN ABANDONED WHARF WHERE I SLIP THE DIRTY SOCK OFF
A SEVERED FOOT I FISHED OUT OF A STORM DRAIN, AND SLAP GOOGLY
EYES ON IT MADE FROM TWO MENTOS I PRIED OUT OF THE MOUTH OF A
MANGY COYOTE.
THEN I FASHION A KAZOO OUT OF A POCKET COMB STOLEN FROM A
FISHERMAN AND THE WAX PAPER FROM HIS MEATBALL SUB, TO HONK OUT A
DIRGE WHILE YAMMERING A TONE POEM ABOUT THE DEMONS INFESTING
MY BEARD IN THE UNBALANCED MANIC SOCK PUPPET SHOW OF NEWS THAT IS
MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A PALLIATIVE CARE, ON SOME
LEVELS, "MEANWHILE!."
MEANWHILE -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- A NEW COMPANY IS "TURNING URINE INTO BEER IN
SINGAPORE."
SEEMS LIKE A WASTE, CONSIDERING THAT BEER'S GOING TO BE URINE
AGAIN REAL FAST.
THE BEER IS CALLED NEWBREW, AND "IS MADE OUT OF A LIQUID WHICH
IS RECYCLED FROM SEWAGE."
FUN FACT: AFTER PEOPLE DRINK THE SEWAGE BEER, THEIR URINE IS
BOTTLED AS NATTY LIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE IT'S GOOD.
ON A HOT DAY, I DON'T KNOW.
MEANWHILE, "KRIS JENNER IS URGING KENDALL JENNER TO FREEZE
HER EGGS."
DAMN STRAIGHT.
WE HAVE TO MAINTAIN AMERICA'S STRATEGIC RESERVE OF
KARDASHIANS.
"OH, YOU'RE SAYING, STOP BEING SUCH AN ALARMIST, STEVE.
WE CAN MAKE DO WITH OUR PRESENT STOCKPILE."
OH, REALLY?
YOU'LL BE SINGING A DIFFERENT TUNE WHEN AUSTRALIA IS
HEMSWORTHING US FROM ONE END WHILE SWEDEN SKAARSGAARDS US
FROM THE OTHER!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
DOESN'T SOUND TOO BAD, REALLY.
THAT DOESN'T SOUND TOO BAD.
MEANWHILE, "OREO AND RITZ HAVE TEAMED UP FOR A COOKIE-CRACKER
COLLAB."
IT'S SALTY.
IT'S SWEET.
IT'S PEANUT BUTTER.
IT'S WHATEVER THE WHITE STUFF IS.
I WANT TO SAY, SWEET CRISCO CAULK?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ALSO A FUN PHRASE TO YELL WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY, SWEET CRISCO
CAULK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS THE PERFECT SNACK FOR
ANYONE WHO EVER SAID, "I WANT TO RUIN MY TEETH, BUT I ALSO WANT
TO DESTROY MY HEART.
THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY!" ( LAUGHTER )
TRAGICALLY, THESE AREN'T AVAILABLE FOR SALE.
THE COMPANY WILL "GIVE 1,000 LUCKY FANS THE FREE
COOKIE-CRACKER PACKS."
FORTUNATELY, I HAVE THE RECIPE TO MAKE THESE AT HOME.
ALL YOU NEED IS ONE PACK OF PEANUT BUTTER RITZ CRACKERS, ONE
PACK OF OREOS, AND UNDIAGNOSED DEPRESSION.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, IN JAPAN, A "MAN SPENT $15K ON A HIGH-TECH DOG
COSTUME TO FULFILL HIS LIFELONG DREAM," WHICH IS SO REALISTIC IT
"TOOK 40 DAYS AND MULTIPLE REVISIONS TO CREATE."
AND HE NAILED IT.
THAT IS A GUY IN A DOG SUIT!
EVERY DETAIL HAS BEEN THOUGHT OF, RIGHT DOWN TO HOW IT USES A
PING PONG PADDLE.
JUST LIKE A REAL DOG!
REMINDS ME OF THAT CLASSIC EPISODE OF "LASSIE:"
"WHAT'S THAT, GIRL?
TIMMY'S STUCK IN A WELL?
AND YOU'RE A GROWN MAN IN A $15,000 DOG COSTUME?
YOU'RE REALLY KILLING IT WITH THAT PING PONG BALL.
DO I WANT TO WHAT?
NO, I'M NOT INTO THAT SCENE.
I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU CUT THE HOLE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I GOT DARK.
THAT GOT DARK REALLY FAST.
MEANWHILE, IN HOT DOG FILLER NEWS, "A CRASHED TRUCK SPEWED
15,000 POUNDS OF HOT DOG FILLER ACROSS A PENNSYLVANIA HIGHWAY."
THERE IT IS.
ALL OF THAT GOES IN YOUR HOTDOGS.
AND I MEAN ALL OF IT.
THE PINK SLURRY, THE BAGS, THE BOXES, THE TRUCK, THE GRAVEL.
THEY JUST DRIVE THAT SEMI RIGHT ONTO THE ASSEMBLY LINE AND THE
DRIVER JUMPS OUT.
HOPEFULLY.
OOH, Y OUKNOW WHAT I BET WOULD BE GREAT TO DIP IN THAT?
OREO RITZ.
MMM.
( APPLAUSE ) THE PERFECT BALANCE OF SALTY,
SWEET, AND HOG ANUS.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S ANOTHER FUN THING TO YEL!
WHWHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE --
"BREAST-FEEDING-MOTHERS-RESCUING -PET-GEESE-FROM-EAGLE-ATTACKS"
NEWS, A "BREAST-FEEDING MOTHER RESCUED HER PET GOOSE FROM AN
EAGLE ATTACK."
THE FOOTAGE WENT VIRAL TODAY OF AN EAGLE ATTACKING THIS PET
GOOSE IN A DRIVEWAY AND TRYING TO DRAG IT OFF, WHEN PLAYERS
THREE AND FOUR ENTER THE GAME: MOM AND BABY-AT-THE-BREAST
CHASING OFF AN APEX PREDATOR!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOOD FOR HER!
SKILL IN HER SCIVVIES!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS ALL TOOK PLACE IN BRITISH
COLUMBIA, CANADA.
AND YOU CAN TELL IT'S IN CANADA IF YOU LISTEN CLOSELY TO THE
UNIQUE, REGIONAL EAGLE'S CRY: >> SOORY, SOORY, SOORY!
TIM HORTON'S!
>> STEPHEN: WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT"
TO JOSH BROLIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )