Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I am a self-government expert. In fact, I've been teaching parenting as
self-government training now for many, many years
and I've written books on the topic and I've spoken all over the world. In this video,
we're going to talk about what does self-government mean in parenting.
In this video, we'll talk about what self-government doesn't mean because
that's important to understand. And then we're going to spend the rest of our time talking
about what it does mean and some of the results that you can get from it. Self-government is not
about telling a person "You choose, you pick, you decide." When a parent does that to a child,
that's abandonment. Parents have to train their children to govern themselves. Children's brains
are developing slowly over time. The prefrontal cortex of a child's brain is not fully developed
until the child is between the ages of 18 and 26 years old. They're saying right around the age of
24 is when that brain is fully developed. So, that means they need someone there to help guide that
development to be a resource to them. That's where the parent comes in. Sometimes parents
think that they're going to teach their children to be leaders or to be in control of themselves
by just throwing everything on them. That's not what self-government is all about. We're preparing
them to control themselves forever not just to pick what they want in the minute. Self-government
is being able to determine the cause and effect in any given situation and possessing a knowledge of
your own behaviors so that you can control them. So, in order to create an environment where you
can use self-government in your parenting, that means you've got to be working on self-government
yourself and you've got to find a way to distill that principle and those skills associated with it
to your children. To learn self-government, it takes 2 things. A certain kind of a tone
and a certain kind of a structure. Part of that structure is skills and meetings
and ways of communication and problem solving that help a person decide how they want to behave. The
structure is also predictable. So everyone knows ahead of time how all the problems will be solved.
This is vital for self-government. A person can't actually be obedient or self-governing unless they
have planned out ahead of time what they are going to do and they follow through. Did you
know the very definition of obedient means that a person has to learn the law and then adhere to it.
If a parent just expects a child to know how to control themselves without any training,
that's very naive. So, we're not naive parents so we train our children deliberately teaching them
what they need to master themselves. Now, the tone element is vital. You can teach a person the
skills of self-government but if the tone is not there, the heart won't change. And self-government
really is all about having a change of heart. So, what is the tone? The tone is a feeling of
calmness, of acceptance, of trust, of love, of mercy, of unity, and bonding, and connection,
and so much more. When a person is wrapped in this kind of tone in the middle of their teaching of
being corrected, it seems like everything's okay. That everything's safe and that everybody feels
understood. That is what self-government should feel like. And there should be a lot of open
communication. People should be able to share their thoughts and their feelings with each other
and plan for future success. If you struggle with calmness, there is something you've got to check
out. In the description to this video, there is a free calm parenting toolkit. And it is yours
for free, completely free. I want you to have it. Because if a person can master their own
calmness as a parent, they can master anything. And the skills and the tools that are taught in
this Calm Parenting Toolkit will help you also teach your children how to master themselves. So,
let's talk about a few other components that are really important for parenting the self-government
way. When a parent is teaching their children self-government and when they're focusing on
having self-government themselves, there is a beautiful result that happens. And that is
more unity occurs. And that's vital because in order to learn self-government, you have
to have a good relationship. So, I want you to imagine the picture of a wagon wheel in your mind.
The middle of the wheel is the hub of the wheel. It's that strong piece of wood
that holds the whole weight of the load. It holds the wheel together in the middle.
And that represents your core values that you're teaching your children. Those spokes that go into
that hub represent all the things you teach your children, all the skills that you might teach
them, or lessons you want them to learn. That band that goes around the outside of those spokes
represents the relationship. It holds all of the teaching that you would give your children
into that hub of your core values and principles. That relationship cannot get damaged otherwise the
whole wheel falls apart. If you took out a section of that relationship band, then soon all the
teaching and morals crumble. Your children need to have a good relationship with you if you are going
to teach them self-government. So, how do you create an environment where you can have this sort
of relationship? Well, you deliberately decide what it is that you're going to do ahead of time
and then you consistently execute it with love patience and calmness. Now, that may sound like an
easy recipe but for many people, it's a lifetime pursuit. So, is self-government in parenting a
quick fix? Well, initially, many parents and families experience drastic changes. Sometimes
within the first day or a couple of days. But habits can be hard to overcome. And sometimes
they creep back in there and so then begins the diligent effort of fine-tuning the self and the
family again and again and again. Probably one of the most beautiful components to self-government
is the relationship. The whole family being bonded together supporting each other as we all become
the best versions of ourselves. My children are best friends with each other and with me.
And that's because we've always known how to communicate with each other. When your children
know how to communicate and solve problems and don't fight with each other, they become their
favorite peers for their lifetime. It actually is possible. And that's one of the greatest results
from learning self-government and from parenting in that way. It's a little different because
you're not reactive, you don't get emotional. Instead, you stay calm and you do things on
purpose. I want to give you a special gift. Like I mentioned before, down below in the description,
there is that Calm Parenting Toolkit. Use it. It is for you so that you can improve your parenting
in your family. And it's a good toolkit. We've had rave reviews. Click on the toolkit now. Get
signed up for it. We'll send it a link to your inbox and give you access so that you
can start becoming more calm and you can be the self-governed parent that you hope to be.