To lick or not to lick? That is the question.
Let's talk about that.
-
Good Mythical morning.
Hold onto your butts, mythical beasts,
because this episode is going to be a butt-busting one.
- Oh, gosh. - It could just fly anywhere.
- Oh, my. - We'll be testing our knowledge
of incredible but supposedly true stories.
We'll be sculpting works of art out of cheese,
including reenacting a magical movie moment,
using cheese and super heat.
But first, if you woke up this morning and said to yourself,
"Today I hope I get to watch some middle-aged men lick dirty things,"
well, all your dreams are about to come true.
It's time for...
Okay, "Can I Lick It" is exactly what you think it is.
Okay, we're going to see, can you lick some things?
Well, actually it's a little more complex than that
because there are some everyday objects
that you might think are filthy,
and they're actually not as dirty as something else.
So every time, every round--
I think lots of things are filthy.
We're going to reveal two dirty things
behind this curtain,
and then you're going to guess which one
is the dirtier one.
I'm-- I'm going to be good at this
because I think about it a lot.
Right. You're a known germophobe.
That's why you're playing the game and I'm hosting it.
Well, that's not what I call it.
I call it a knowledgeable, clean human.
- A discriminating person. - Yeah.
So here's what you're going to do.
You determine which one's dirtier,
and then if you're right,
I have to lick the dirtier thing.
If you're wrong,
you have to lick the dirtier thing.
Go on, then!
Now, every item will be revealed
by Dirty Chase.
It's the regular Chase, just a little bit dirtier.
How's that make you feel?
This is-- we're having a weird moment.
All right, round one.
Okay, Dirty Chase,
reveal our first two items.
( game show music plays )
- Aha, okay. - Okay, Link, which is dirtier:
a trash can where you dump all your uneaten food
and empty your dust pan and throw your napkins
full of dead spiders,
or a bathtub, which collects
all the hot, moist bacteria and flakes of skin off of your body?
I flush my dead spiders.
You do?
I do not put them in a trashcan.
- I flush live spiders. - And who--
And who has an Oscar the Grouch trashcan?
You know--
- Like... - ...shows.
You know, not normal people.
Well, you would expect that the bathtub would be cleaner,
just because people wash those.
Now, I wash my trash cans, but--
You wash your trash cans?
- Heck, yeah! - With what?
( stammers ) Soap!
- How often? - And--
About once a month.
Gosh, I'm glad we don't live together.
Yeah, because then you'd have a clean trash can.
That would be horrible.
Um, but, you know what?
I think that, surprisingly...
- Hm. - ...you shouldn't lick the bathtub
because you slough off all your bacteria on it,
so I'm saying the bathtub ironically is dirtier.
Link, you are correct!
That's true. Bathtubs are often dirtier than trash cans
because they are wet,
unless they're your trash can, which you wash,
and organisms can't survive without water.
So every time you wet that trash can,
you're making it dirtier.
- Oh, dang. - I don't know. Something like that.
Come on around. You get to lick the can.
No, I get to lick the bathtub...
- Oh, that's right. - ...because it--
- It's dirtier. - Do you want me to explain the rules again?
So if you get it right,
I lick the dirtier thing.
- You said that this was dirtier. - Lick the tub.
Okay. Why is it brown?
What's the brown parts?
You get to lick the tub. Do it.
Oh! ( dry spits )
Okay, Dirty Chase,
show us the next two items.
( game show music plays )
Stop touching me with that.
He's real dirty today.
Laptop and some coinage, huh?
Which is dirtier, Link:
a laptop keyboard, which you touch all day long
with your sweaty, grimy hands,
or coins that have been touched by more sweaty, grimy hands
than an old donkey at a petting zoo?
Dang, that is true.
I mean, my-- my keys,
only I touch,
but coinage, everybody,
even that donkey, probably touches.
- That's true. - Man...
Of course I wash my keyboard, too.
With what?
With a-- with a very lightly damp cloth.
- Just a slight-- - Alcohol?
- Just a little bit of moist-- - Just water.
You should do alcohol.
I don't know.
I've heard that keyboards are deceptively dirty.
But I can't imagine that they're dirtier than coinage.
So I'm saying that the coins are still dirtier.
Link, you are wrong!
According to studies, keyboards get so dirty
because of using them after not washing hands in the bathroom,
plus we rub skin oils onto the keys,
and it creates an environment for germs to fester.
Oh, again, it's one of those things
where the things grow.
- Yeah. - I-- who doesn't wash their hands?
It's not that the coins aren't dirty,
but, statistically speaking,
scientifically speaking,
the keyboard is dirtiest.
- Now, uh-- - This is not my laptop, by the way.
This is Dirty Chase-- This is Dirty Chase's laptop,
and he's been real dirty today,
so I can only imagine how dirty that spacebar is
because that's the part I would like you to lick
because it is the key that is touched the most.
You know what? I'm no chump.
I'm licking the whole spacebar.
I'm licking the longest bar on the whole board.
You gotta take your glasses off for this.
I don't know why. I don't know why I took my glasses off.
Getting serious.
( Rhett chuckles )
Chase.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, what's Chase been looking at on the Internet?
Can you tell? Can you tell by licking his space bar?
You need to delete your history, Dirty Chase.
Okay, Dirty Chase, whatta we got now?
Get out of here. All right.
( groans )
Which is dirtier, Link: a toilet,
where you and everyone you know
unleash holy hell on the daily.
Any toilet or this toilet?
Good gosh, look at that toilet.
Or a TV remote
that has been touched by more sweaty, grimy hands
than even an older donkey at the petting zoo?
Which one's dirtier?
You would think that the toilet is not lickable.
- Yeah, especially when-- - When compared to a remote.
Especially when someone had an accident on...
- Gosh. - A few accidents.
So, again, there may--
I think the mind-blowing fact is
nobody washes their remote.
You don't?
I do, yeah.
Besides me.
I am going to say
that the dirtier item
is the remote
because... of...
I just-- because...
- a toilet seems nasty. - Okay.
But not-- so I'm not going with my instincts.
I don't understand your logic,
but, Link, you're right anyway.
It is a TV remote. People clean their toilets.
They don't often clean their remotes,
and there was a study by the University of Virginia--
half of TV remotes
tested positive for rhinovirus,
and that is not something that only rhinos get.
- Oh, yes. - That's-- that's a problem,
and now I have to lick it because it's the dirtier one.
I really wanted you-- I wanna--
Will you lick this, too?
You can lick that one all you want.
It's just chocolate and coffee, man.
In fact, it'll probably be fun to lick.
Why don't you lick it for kicks?
Oh, my goodness.
What are you doing inside of here, guys?
Oh!
Looks like a bathroom in, like,
one of those, like, national park restrooms.
Like, what's up with people in national parks?
Can't you just frickin' hit the toilet?
Just 'cause you're in a national park doesn't mean,
"I'm gonna crap all over the toilet like a bear!"
- All right, lick the-- - What's wrong with you people?
I hate you if you do that.
I go to the friggin' national parks,
and you've completely soiled the outside of the toilet!
Gosh, I wish I knew you. Wish I knew you.
Okay, Rhett, lick the remote.
I'm just upset that I have to lick this remote.
- Which key? - All of them.
Oh, goodness. Twice.
No, man, that's not the rule.
Come on.
Fine, I'll lick it.
Just kidding. I ain't licking that after you.
Okay, Dirty Chase,
before you reveal these two items,
let me situate myself back here.
Okay, Chase, reveal.
Oh, look at that.
- Hello, Barbara. - ( high pitched ) Hi.
- Hi. - Hi, Barbara.
Hi.
So, what's dirtier, Link?
A towel? Hah!
Or Barbara's face?
Barbara's face, like if she were to--
ew, before or after you do that to it?
Barbara's mouth.
Like Barbara's-- like, a dog lick--
So a dog licking you on the face
or you licking a towel on the face.
- Un-huh. - If the towel had a face.
Guys, this is a bit-- this is--
It's a bit much.
It's a well-used towel.
Oh, my worst.
Okay, before I had Jade,
I looked upon anyone who kissed their dog on the mouth
with derision.
Um, and then I became one of those people.
Yep.
And I like to think... now it's because
they're so much cleaner than a towel.
She's falling asleep.
Wake up, Barbara. We're doing a frickin' show.
Shh-shh, baby needs to sleep.
So I think-- I think a towel--
I smell a towel before I use it,
and then if it's got that stank to it--
A little mildew stank?
I don't use it.
And that's why it is dirtier than a dog's mouth.
That's what I'm saying.
Towel dirtier than a dog's mouth.
You really think we would've gone through all this trouble to get Barbara here
if you weren't going to have to lick her in the face?
You're right! It is the towel, Link.
- It was a diversion. - Let me-- let me hold her.
Let her kiss you a little bit, man.
Let her ki-- Let her kiss you.
Look, oh-- she only gave me a little, like a greeting kiss.
Yeah, actually, towels--
You know, a towel is not a living organism,
so Barbara's-- she's self-cleaning.
She's cleaning herself all the time.
- But this is just-- - With her mouth.
- ...a harbinger of coffee and chocolate. - I want you to--
You know how you get in a chocolate-and-coffee bath.
I want you to lick the darkest spot,
which is your motto in life anyways.
Yeah, I already have a bumper sticker
that says, "Lick the darkest spot."
Now I'm j-- now I'm just living a consistent whole life.
Look at how she lays her head down.
Here we go. Here we go.
There you go, right? You really went for it.
There's something other than coffee and chocolate on that one.
Yeah, a little poo-poo.
Oh, gosh...
Okay, Dirty Chase, let's see our last items.
Link, which is dirtier:
a microwave handle/keypad region
- God, that's a dirty microwave. - or...
a jar of my urine?
Ugh, seriously?
I peed twice, and that's all I got today, man.
All you got? That seems like a lot, actually.
Really? For two pees?
I don't know, man. I've been drinking a lot of tea lately,
and I was very disappointed in myself.
I was like, "Did I miss?"
You do look a little dehydrated.
- It's dark, too, man. - Oh, man.
I need to be more hydrated.
Ironically, I clean my microwave with my own urine.
( chuckles ) Yeah.
It's very effective because I know that
urine has no bacteria--
no bacteria grows on urine.
Oh, urine is sterile, huh? That's what you believe?
- Urine is sterile. - Okay.
All right, so what's your answer?
Well, if that were true, then my answer would be the microwave.
So I might go in the opposite direction
and pick urine as being dirtier
because who wants to touch much less lick anything
anything associated with pee-pee?
But then I might switch it back...
and say a lot of people touch a microwave.
I really don't want to lick anything associated with your pee.
Uh-huh.
Again, I don't think people wash their microwaves
as much as I do,
and the place that you always touch
- is the place that's gonna grow stuff. - Okay.
So what's your final answer?
So I'm saying that the microwave is dirtier
than the urine.
Link, you're right. Urine is sterile,
but mine is really dirty, so--
no, actually-- no, mine's also sterile.
So I've got to lick the friggin' microwave,
- Yeah! - ...but you get-- you're free to hold
and caress the urine all you want.
No, thank you. No, thank you.
You know what? Let's put the urine
in the microwave and turn it on.
How 'bout-- no, let's not do that.
- Okay. - Why don't you walk over there, and--
Link, you got-- you got more right than you got wrong.
I want you to lick that button so hard
that it opens the door to the microwave.
Really?
You heard me.
That's what you get
for peeing in a jar.
Come on.
That's not my hand back there helping me out.
I love-- I love how you're so game for this.
I can't do it. Oh, gosh!
Oh! What?
What is wrong with you guys?
- Gah... - That's--
( stammering ) ...just total overboard.
I didn't even see it, and I don't even want to.
Congratulations, Link. You know the dirty stuff.
And so do you.
All right, so click on through
to see us reenact
one of the most famous death scenes in a movie
using cheese.
You'll see.
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