♪♪
-Let's get to the news.
President Biden is facing criticism after he fist-bumped
Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman
last week during their first in-person meeting.
Of course, at this point, that's like saying
"Mosquitos are facing criticism."
When weren't they?
[ Light laughter ]
First Lady Dr. Jill Biden apologized last week,
after she said that the Latino community is, quote,
"as unique as the breakfast tacos here in San Antonio."
[ Laughter ]
Said Biden in her apology, "I'm as sorry
as the breakfast tacos at Taco Bell."
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump and former Vice President
Mike Pence are set to hold competing rallies on Friday
in Arizona. It will be the first time
they've faced off since January 6th.
[ Audience ohs ]
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck over the weekend
reportedly got married.
Guests were offered beef, chicken,
or bacon, egg, and cheese.
[ Light laughter ]
I felt really good about that joke earlier.
[ Laughter ]
You know what, it's for a certain --
it's for a certain region of America.
[ Light laughter ]
Hope you enjoy it, New England!
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez
reportedly got married over the weekend, because right now,
that's the only way a Red Sox fan can get a win in the Bronx.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Audience oohs ]
Wow. I took it right -- I took it right back.
Told a joke for New England that bombed in New York,
And then [bleep] 'em with the next joke.
[ Laughter ]
Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced recently
that the coffee chain will close 16 stores due to rising crime.
The most egregious crime?
Waiting until you're at the front of the line
before looking at the menu.
[ Laughter ]
"Oh, so the sizes are in Italian."
[ Laughter ]
The fast food restaurant Subway recently changed the names
of several of its sandwiches, including switching
the meatball marinara to "The Boss,"
as opposed to what's usually called "the boss" at Subway --
a 16-year-old kid.
[ Laughter ]
Lego recently announced that they will release
a new set based on the sitcom "The Office."
Though, if your kid wants that, bad news, they're a Dwight.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, producers have announced that a reboot
of the procedural "Criminal Minds" will air
on the streaming service Paramount+.
So if you're a big fan of detective work,
try and figure out how to watch Paramount+.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new report, some of President Biden's
top allies are quietly meeting
with Democratic officials and donors
ahead of the 2024 election in case he doesn't run.
Well, quietly, aside from the person
who keeps coughing the word "Hillary."
[ Laughter ]
First Lady Dr. Jill Biden met today with
Ukrainian First Lady Olena Zelenska
at the White House.
"Sorry for everything your country is going through,"
said Zelenska.
[ Laughter ]
Elon Musk was photographed over the weekend
aboard a luxury yacht in Mykonos, Greece,
and all I can say is wow!
He is...
He is so white, the sun had to put on sunscreen!
[ Laughter ]
He looks like the page in the coloring book
you haven't gotten to yet.
[ Laughter ]
Is he partying on that yacht...
or is he haunting it?
[ Laughter ]
I will say, though -- I will say, he does have
the skin tone of somebody who is very good with technology.
[ Laughter ]
Steven Spielberg recently directed his first music video
using his smartphone, which is surprising
because most people his age record concerts on their iPads.
[ Laughter ]
In a new interview, a couple who has been married
for nearly 80 years said that their secret
to a long-lasting relationship
is always sharing a kiss before bedtime.
"Same," said those freaks from "Willy Wonka."
[ Laughter ]
New York Governor Kathy Hochul announced yesterday
she will expand shark-patrol crews
amid an increase of attacks on Long Island.
Meanwhile, Republican governors are encouraging residents
to buy sharks for protection.
[ Laughter ]
The only thing that stops a shark
is a good guy with a shark.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, according to a new survey,
11% of Americans said that
their favorite ice-cream flavor is vanilla.
Well, if you love vanilla, I got good news for you!
There it is! That was a monologue, you guys.
The White House is reportedly considering major changes
for its communications team.
For example, they're going to get one.
[ Laughter ]
The National Archives yesterday asked the Secret Service
to provide information about the deletion
of agents' text messages
pertaining to the Capitol attack.
Who's laughing now...
said the one agent with an Android
who wasn't allowed in the group chat.
[ Laughter ]
Britain's Prince William and Duchess Kate Middleton
announced today
that they will travel to Boston later this year.
This news was first reported by Paul Revere.
[ Laughter ]
Former New York mayor Bill de Blasio
announced yesterday he's ending his congressional campaign,
and I'm guessing this is not how Bill de Blasio
wanted everyone to learn he had a congressional campaign.
[ Laughter ]
Today was National Pennsylvania Day.
"Where the hell is that?" asked Dr. Oz.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new list, Vermont is the best state to live in.
Well, no wonder. He always looks so happy.
[ Laughter ]
Netflix reported yesterday
that it lost nearly 1 million subscribers
in the last three months.
Well, Netflix, I think you finally have your answer.
[ Laughter ]
Two governing bodies of quidditch have announced
that they will change the name of the sport to quadball
in an effort to distance themselves from J.K. Rowling.
Said bullies, "Fine,
let's go beat up the quadball players, then!"
[ Light laughter ]
When asked about his song "American Pie"
in a new documentary, singer Don McLean
said the jester mentioned in the lyrics is not James Dean.
He also said, "Please,
please don't sing that song at karaoke."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, after a man recently fell
and injured himself at Lake Tahoe,
his border collie ran 200 yards
through the remote area of the forest
to lead rescue crews to his owner,
while his French bulldog ran six feet and immediately died.
President Biden tested positive today for the coronavirus.
Luckily, we've all been keeping our distance.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, President Biden tested positive today
for the coronavirus.
So, for the next two weeks, the country will be hosted
by Chelsea Handler!
[ Laughter ]
She'll do great. She's a pro.
According to a poll released yesterday,
President Biden's approval rating has hit a record low 31%,
putting him below the critical
"yellow Starburst" benchmark.
[ Laughter ]
The House committee investigating the Capitol attack
help a prime-time hearing tonight
and offered a timeline of what former President Trump did
at the White House during the insurrection.
We tape early, but I'm guessing...
watched TV?
[ Laughter ]
That's like finding out what Joey Chestnut did
on Fourth of July.
Same thing that he always does.
Former Vice President Mike Pence spoke yesterday
at a South Carolina church and said that the best part
of no longer being in office
is that he gets to drive his own car,
and he made it very clear
that he drives an automatic
because it's a sin to drive stick.
[ Laughter ]
His words, not ours. I mean...
Authorities in Spain this week arrested two thieves
who allegedly stole 45 bottles of wine from a hotel
that were worth nearly $2 million.
Even worse, they stole
the Toblerone from the minibar,
valued at $3 million.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, the Mega Millions lottery jackpot
hit $630 million this week after there were no winners.
Whoever wins it this week can take the jackpot
in installments, a lump sum,
or premium unleaded.
[ Laughter ]
Ohh! [ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
That was a monologue, everybody.