-I went to Aspen for the IDEAS Festival.
-I called it "Idiots Festival" by accident.
-They loved that. "It's great to be here at Idiots Fest."
-It's just where the richest white guys
you've never heard of come and talk to each other
with their fingers on their chins.
I don't know. We still haven't figured it out.
-We still don't know what it was.
-So, were you guys then tasked
with sharing some of your ideas?
-Well, no, we had no ideas to provide.
We went and we got interviewed --
-I got ideas.
Okay. Sorry. You had great ideas.
-Che, I heard you went --
You had a very unique trip to Cleveland this summer.
-[ Laughs ] Yeah, well,
we were supposed to go to Cleveland,
and I flew on a plane. -Well, and I got that.
-You're already in Cleveland,
and I was on my way to Cleveland.
And I got on a plane and I put my headphones on
and I fell asleep as the plane was taxiing.
-Yeah. -And I woke up,
the plane was landing, and I had my headphones on.
I was still listening to Kendrick, maybe.
And I got off the plane and I was supposed to meet the driver
and the driver wasn't there.
And I'm like, "Where are you?" And he's like -- I'm like,
"I'm at this C terminal," and he's like,
"There's only one terminal."
And I was like, "That's impossible."
So I'm arguing with this guy because he's not there.
So I end up just taking a yellow cab and getting a yellow cab.
-Yeah, so it circled and went back to New York.
You got out, were mad he was not there for you.
He's in Cleveland. -He was in Cleveland,
and I was still -- Okay, the plane --
-The plane turned around.
-It just did a lap and then landed,
and I didn't know. -Yeah.
Because you still had your headphones on.
-Yeah, I still have my headphones on.
-So you walked out to Terminal B here still
and then we're really mad at your driver
that he wasn't there. -Right.
-'Cause he was in Cleveland.
-So you got a taxi?
-He got in a yellow New York City taxi cab.
Gave the guy an address in suburban Cleveland.
And the guy also was like, you know,
"This is going to be a lot of money."
-And I was like, "I don't care about money!
I'm on TV!"
[ Laughter, applause ]
And then I saw the New York City skyline
and I said, "Wait a minute.
That wasn't in the Cleveland brochure."
-So, we were debating a subject called "Is sports and shopping
ruining Sunday family values?" -Okay.
-And I should point out that I am the second debater.
-You're the second debater. Okay.
-So you'll hear Chris Lebado, you'll hear his his stance,
and then you'll hear my response.
-Okay, great. Here we go. Let's take a look.
-We still spend the day together, go to mass together,
and have dinner as a family.
But we can also interact
at the mall or sports arena, can we not?
-No, Chris, we cannot.
There are no laws about being a family.
But I do feel that it is a part of life that we must experience.
If we are not together on Sundays,
we are missing out on some of the most precious moments
of our lives.
Where have our values gone,
when a father is working, a mother is shopping,
and the children are at their friends' houses?
This may be a typical day,
but this is not what Sunday should be about.
However, it is what Sundays are becoming.
And I, for one, am deeply disappointed.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I will say...
-Thank you. -The whole time
I was watching that clip,
I was saying, "That is a kid who is deeply disappointed."
-And disappointing. Yeah. -Yeah.
And I like that you grew into your head over the years.
Your head was the same size then as it is now.
You always want to start wide. -Yeah.
-And just let it grow.
And then, like some legs grew out of there, and then...
-And we're always happy to see you,
but I heard you have a little bit of a bone to pick with me.
-Yeah, I do. -Okay.
-You took my look, man.
I wanted to be casual on late night first.
You know, every every year, I've always asked Lorne
and the show, like, please, let me just be casual.
I want to wear my own clothes at "Update".
And they said, "No, Seth wouldn't do that."
And now Seth... -Yeah.
-...is casual.
-Well, you know why I got away with it and you didn't?
-Why? -Lorne watches "SNL".
[ Laughter ]
-That's how they get you. -Touché.
-That's how they get you.
-Now, I have to ask -- This is a little in the weeds
on the job I used to have that you have now.
Do you wear suit pants?
-No. -Yeah.
-I don't wear any pants.
-Yeah, yeah.
I'm very bummed that I --
You know what? I wore jeans all the time.
-Yeah.
-Which was fine. It presented fine.
But there's a lot of, like, cool backstage photos
you get over the years, and you look super dumb.
Jeans with the top suit is so stupid.
-Yeah, you look like -- What's that guy?
"You might be a redneck."
-Yeah. Well, it is. Like, when you think of it,
it's like the mullet of outfits.
-Yeah. [ Laughs ]
-It's like, "Business up top, party on the bottom."
-That was like the comedian, like, uniform was
jeans, a dumb blazer. Yeah.
-And then high tops.
Big, powerful, like, red high tops.
-Yeah. You're going to get you a development deal
if you dress like that.
-One of my favorite things, of course,
is sketches that are written that do not make it to the show.
And some of these ideas maybe have not even even been written.
-Even the ones that have been written
haven't really been written.
They've been, like, really half thought out.
-Your idea -- the origin of "screw the pooch"?
-Yeah. I wanted to do a sketch
about the first guy to have ever said
the phrase "screw the pooch",
because an intern one time messed up a coffee order,
and I was like, "Hey, I didn't order this."
And he goes, "I'm sorry about that, Che.
I really screwed the pooch on that one."
And I said, "What was that?"
And he goes, "Screwed the pooch.
It means I made a mistake." And I was like,
"No, man, it means you had sex with a dog.
And you should probably stop saying that
in a workplace environment."
So I wanted to just dig into that guy,
because I'm sure he probably had sex
with a dog one time and just kept pretending
that it was a mistake that everybody else makes.
-Yeah, that's like the coffee thing. "I don't make mistakes."
-"Oh, you messed up the coffee?
Now who has sex with dogs?"
"Still you, Gary. You're still the only one that's done that."
-Half Viagra?
-Oh, yeah, that's a fun one.
-Well, we kept seeing these ads, I know if you've seen them,
for single packs of Viagra, where it's like a weird husband,
and it's like, "We're going on a trip with my wife,"
and he's like, Oh, I'll pack one single pack of Viagra."
He's like, "I want to have sex,
but I want to carry the whole bottle."
You know, so they're on vacation.
You could be like, "You get one shot."
But we wanted to do ads for half packs of Viagra.
And if it was -- you didn't want to have sex,
you just wanted to make it look a little bigger.
Like if you knew you were going somewhere,
like you had a doctor's appointment, you know?
-Or like a tailor or something, you know?
You got to use, like, a stadium urinal.
You want people to be...
You know? Whatever.
I still think we should have called it "Viagra Al Dente".
-So, I'm not a person that smokes pot.
I've tried it and stuff, but I get very paranoid.
I think once I started having a job,
it made me very paranoid if I ever smoked weed.
But I was on a date with a girl
and she offered me a pot cookie, and I was like,
"Okay, well, I might freak out
because it's pot, but it's also a cookie."
-Takes the edge off. -Well, I'd just be like,
"Delicious. It's delicious."
So she gave me a pot cookie, and at first, I was feeling great.
I was like, "This is delicious. It's great."
And then we went back to my apartment
and we started kissing and I became so paranoid,
I became convinced that she had poisoned me.
So I did what any other 30 year old man would do,
was I snuck into the other room and called my parents.
[ Laughter, applause ]
I grew up in Staten Island. My parents live in Sinai.
My mom answered the phone. It was probably 1:00 AM.
-A doctor. -My mom, a doctor.
She answers the phone.
She goes, "Colin, what's going on?"
I go, "You got to do something. This girl poisoned me.
She gave me PCP."
Why I went to PCP, I don't know what the --
I don't think it's available in cookie form.
Then my mom, being a very loving parent, said,
"Don't move. We'll be right there."
But then because I was also still super high,
I went back into the other room
and forgot that I had called my parents.
[ Laughter ]
So, like an hour later,
this girl and I are in my living room.
There's a knock at the door, and she says, understandably.
"Who could that be?"
And I say, "Oh, no, I know who that could be."
And I open the door and my parents come barging in
and they yell at the poor girl, "We know what you did!
You poisoned our son."
And this girl is so high, she's like,
"Oh, my God, this is the funniest thing
I've ever seen in my life.
Who are these awesome old people you hired to scare me?"
And then, I swear to God, I'm so paranoid at this point,
my mom makes me hot tea to help me lie down
and go to sleep.
I get so scared, I fake drinking the tea
that my mom was poisoning me.
-You thought know your mom -- -My mom was in on it.
And I faked drinking the tea,
and I poured it to the side of my bed
like I was in a spy movie.
-By the way, that's a terrible spy.
-[ Laughs ]
"Well, why, thank you."
And then as I'm, like, shivering and falling asleep,
I hear my dad in the other room
lecturing the poor girl on the dangers of drug use.
-Oh. -And I hear him go,
"Do your parents know that you're doing this?"
And she look in my room and she was like,
"Uh, no, they don't, because I'm 30."
-You have wonderful cameos.
Obviously, you have a lot of talented friends.
-Yeah. -I think that people think
when you have talented friends,
it's easy to ask them to do your stuff.
But it's -- I find it -- I always feel like
they're being asked a million things and I feel bad asking.
-Yeah, I hate asking people for stuff
because especially if it's like my comedy,
because I know they're going to be like,
"All right, I'm going to have to read about this tomorrow?"
-You mean you're going to put them in this sort of jackpot
of getting in trouble? -Yeah.
Like, oh, I shouldn't say this,
but I had like, we we went on to, like,
Whoopi Goldberg for something, and she was like, "absolutely,"
and I couldn't believe she was, like, willing to do it.
So I had to tell her also in that episode
we have a Cosby impersonator, and she was like,
"No, I can't do it anymore."
[ Laughter ]
Like, I should have probably started with that one.
But, yeah, there's always times when people want to do it.
But I'm also like, man, you got to know what the whole joke is.
I can't -- -Never -- never let Michael Che
sell you on a close up; like, you definitely want
the wide shot. -Yeah, you kind of got to know
what the punchline is.
It's definitely Bill Cosby trying to make me a drink.
Watch the show! It makes sense!
In context. -I think they get it. Yeah.
-See, a long time ago, Bill Cosby would do this thing.
-So, Che, you went on Instagram and wrote this post about Jost.
-Well. -Yeah. Well, yes, I did. I did.
And, you know -- Yeah, you want to read it?
-So let me -- let me explain, by the way,
what I -- I get -- I don't go on Instagram,
but I get emails from friends that are like,
"Do you see what Che's saying about you on Instagram?"
I'm like, "What? Is it something kind of fun and goofy?"
And they're like, "You should check -- take a look."
-Here's what it looks like. I'm going to show you guys
real quick, now, I'm going to read it.
"The thing that burns me up the most about Colin
is that deep down inside, I think he's a nice guy,
but he hides behind this cool guy persona
that makes him push me down and make fun of my hair
and put dog food in my lunch and gum in my chair
and prank call my parents to make them think
I was in a terrible car accident
and rip up my paychecks and plant hard drugs in my desk
and tip off the police, and that gets so annoying."
Now...
[ Applause ]
No, I think most -- most people...
-Planting hard drugs in your desk,
and your response would be like, "Annoying."
-...but not everybody. -Not everybody. No.
-Yeah. -So then somebody wrote to you.
-To me, yeah. -This is to him.
-They wrote to Che first. -Yeah, "What a disgusting man.
So sorry you have to work with him,
it's a shame he can't even try to be decent for a day
to help people. He's a monster."
And then you, instead of saying,
"Oh, man, he's my pal, it's just joking around,"
wrote back, "I just got to get through this season
in one piece" -- [ Laughter ]
"Sometimes he attacks me physically."
[ Laughter ]
-You're -- You're joking.
You're going to actually get me murdered.
Someone is going to murder me.
-What's this one? -Stop pushing me down.
-Is this -- Did you fake a text exchange?
-Well, yeah, Colin's texts -- Well, Colin, texts me --
-What?! -I asked him to.
-You faked my own text messages!
-All right, how about I'll read mine and you read yours.
I'll be blue.
-See if this seems like me. -"Hey, Colin,
I know you're busy and all, but could you help me
with my charity show for the people in public housing?"
-"Ha ha ha ha ha. Fat chance, loser.
Don't those bunnies have enough
without sucking from our government's teet?"
-"Oh, Colin, that's really unnecessary, man."
-"You're unnecessary, and my grandpapa
is going to shut down your little charity,
just like Mr. Trump shut down the government!"
-"That is uncalled for!"
-You want me to read the last one?!
-Yeah, there's one more that you sent me.
-Yeah. "Besides, I have my own charity event,
it's to take children in private schools
big game hunting in Africa."
[ Laughter ]
You're going to get me ki--
-Somebody wrote back to Che,
"Didn't think this piece of [bleep]
could make me that mad, but he did."
And then you wrote back, "I don't know what to do.
Every time I try to stand up to him,
he just pushes me on the ground and everybody laughs."
I got to say, a lot of other people, you know, just know
that whoever does eventually come and assault
you based on this, know they're dumb.
-You were on "Jeopardy!" -- you weren't on "Jeopardy!"
-No, I was not. -But your, uh --
Let's just take a look. -They would almost make
more sense, by the way, if I was a contestant, than this.
Okay. -Let's take a look.
-Recent books for $800.
-A head writer of "Saturday Night Live,"
he titled his memoir "A Very Punchable Face."
Kelly. -Who is Conan O'Brien?
-That's incorrect.
[ Buzzer ]
Looking for Colin Jost.
-All right.
I think that's a real burden on Conan,
because someone was like, "I want to punch him."
-He was locked and loaded with it, like, "Punchable face?
Conan!"
-Is that something where you, if somebody tells you about it,
like, how do you find out it happened?
-Yes, I found out it happened because my mom sent me the clip
and she said "I would have gotten it."
[ Laughter ]
Thanks.
-She's like, I don't get "Cosmo,"
but I would have gotten that.
-And, yes, it's a very --
because when you make your clue on "Jeopardy!"
you feel like you've made it. -Yes.
-You know? But then in that same moment, you realize,
oh, I've not. -Well, I think it's interesting
to know how clo-- I mean, really,
what you want is to be like $100 first round.
You were $800. You know what I mean?
Like, there was some value to getting that right.
-Yeah, I guess you do have to work your way up --
-To the gimme -- you want to be in
the Monday "New York Times" crossword like that,
you know what I mean? -Yeah, that's true.
I'm I'm barely Saturday right now.
-But let's -- thank God it didn't happen again.
-Yeah, no, that would be--
-Let's try Harvard for $1,000.
-Alex? Writers and performers
who've gone from the Lampoon to "Saturday Night Live"
include this young fellow
who co-hosts Weekend Update with Michael Che.
[ Buzzer ] And his name is Colin Jost.
-First of all, they somehow found a photo worse
than the on my ID. -Yeah.
-Then the other thing is he --
Alex Trebek went to Harvard
to a location, filmed a clue.
Like, "You're going to like this one?"
-Yeah! -Dead silence.
-Where he used a picture,
we're going to talk about who he works with.
-Every context you could possibly give me just --
-Nothing. -And then you could tell
when he had to reveal the name,
he just was like, "Why did I do this?"
-That's really also a double burden on Conan,
who also went to Harvard.
Nobody even guessed him on that one.
They only guessed him on the punchable face.
-Yeah, "We'd hit him,
but I don't know if he could go to Harvard."
-Congratulations. I know that you have --
you've moved. You got yourself a place upstate New York.
-That's right. I'm a homeowner now.
-Yeah. Congratulations.
[ Cheering and applause ]
How is -- how is the neighborhood?
How are you taking to the neighborhood?
-Very, very white. -Okay.
-It's the whitest neighborhood I've ever been to.
It's like, oh, it's like me and one black bear.
And that's it.
I can't wait to meet them, too.
-Oh, yeah. -Excited.
-Is it a town?
-It's -- it's what they call a hamlet.
-Oh, wow. -You know what that is?
-It's white, I think. Yeah.
-There's nobody that's like, "Oh, I live in a black hamlet."
Othello?
That was for us! That was for us!
-There's someone with a pipe watching right now going,
"Oh, very well played, Che."
- "Nicely played." -"Nicely played.
I will show this to my class tomorrow."
-This is a bit you did on Update where you played Gretchen.
You went undercover as a white girl named Gretchen?
-Yes. I went undercover
as a liberal white woman named Gretchen.
And I didn't use makeup, but it was still believable.
-Yeah. And then you guys had an idea,
like, a second round of this?
-Yes. -So the idea --
Explain how it was supposed to work.
-The last show, that got cut,
that was, I said to Che, like, "What if you went undercover
as a white woman named Gretchen
to try to figure out that situation?"
And I've been reading all this terrible stuff about R. Kelly.
So I thought maybe I could go undercover
as a black teenage girl to try to entrap R. Kelly.
[ Scattered reactions ]
Yes. Your -- Yes, exactly. Boos. Thank you.
-You know what, that sounds like a man of many --
[ Laughter ]
-Well, the idea was I knew it was the worst idea ever.
-Right. So you didn't actually shoot it?
-No. The idea was Che would stop me and point out
how awful that idea that was.
And I would say, "Really, it doesn't go both ways?"
And he was like, "Absolutely not."
And I was like, "Oh, yeah, that makes sense."
-Gotcha. -And then it said,
"The more you know," like the little --
"The more you know" -- yeah, you could tell.
We're glad it was cut.
I begged him not to do it.
♪♪