Carl Rogers who's a psychotherapist great psychotherapist I'd very much
recommend his books to people especially if they want to learn to listen because
he was really good at teaching people how to listen he had this idea that what
he would manifest towards his clients in therapy was unconditional positive
regard and I've always had trouble with that because well because you don't
treat your children for example with unconditional positive reviews there's
no matter what someone says you're saying yeah that's a good idea well
that's that's why it's tricky well what do you what do you he didn't articulate
it I think as well as he might have what you want to do is for your child is that
you want the best for the best in them that's what you want and that's what you
want from people that you surround yourself with
now they'll hold you to our standard if that's the case right because whenever
you degenerate in any of the multiple ways that you're likely to degenerate
they're gonna like whack you on the back of the head and say you know clue the
hell in you know you're you're demeaning yourself you're less than you could be
and there's real judgment and then it's harsh you know but with friends it's the
same thing you want friends they're not friends if they're not these people you
want friends who when something good happens to you there that's good for you
right they're happy about that they're not like all bitter and resentful
underground and like saying horrible things behind your back and telling you
how they did something that was better and trying to drag you down it's like
that's not helpful and then when something bad happens to you and you go
to them and you say look this terrible thing happened to me first of all they
don't try to top it with some like horrible thing that happened to them
because they don't have the patience to listen and second they're not secretly
gloating about the fact that catastrophe finally befell you it's like they're
actually hurt by it and that chapters an injunction is like take a look at the
people that are around you and if they're not on the side of what's good
for you then walk away because well first of all that's best for them too if
you put up with that all you're doing is enabling it it's like well it's okay
that you mistreat me in a way that's harmful to me and everyone else it's
like actually no that is not okay it's not in it's not the least bit
okay that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to help someone when they're down that's
a whole different issue what if it's your family so you know you say like
walk away right yeah do you still walk away from your family
or do you do if it's necessary yeah there's lots of different ways of
walking away oh yeah don't forget about well there's that for sure there's that
I mean you you sometimes someone's on an encouraging path like there's just
nothing you can do you know maybe they're a man down there a man down hard
and they're bitter and everything they do is to produce misery virtually
everything and you have to detach yourself from that's like I always think
about it from the perspective of a lifeguard so if you're training to be a
lifeguard one of the things that you're trained to do is to approach someone
who's drowning and panicking and the way you approach them is you put your foot
out between you and them and you push forward with your hands with your foot
out and you basically tell them if they're flailing about you say look I'm
here to help but you have to calm down and then if they cling to you like in
panic you push them away you think well that's pretty damn cruel because what if
they drown it's like yeah what if you both drowned that's like not helpful
you're you're there to rescue them they take you down you're both dead
it's like fail right so you say look quit panicking I'll help you out but I'm
not drowning along with you it's like well it's the same with someone in your
family it's like if they're on a downward path and you've done your best
you know you've made your efforts you and they're not paying attention they're
not changing they say yeah well I'll quit doing this yeah I'll quit doing
this they tell you the same story over and over and over it's a downhill path
you don't trust it at some point first of all you stop offering your words
that's do not cast pearls before swine a very very harsh statement right but what
it means is if someone if you're offering words of wisdom to someone in
the genuine attempt help and they treat that with contempt then shut up because
you're demeaning your words by throwing them away you think well how do you help
someone who's a down well sometimes you help them by
walking away and saying look you're aiming down so hard that I am the spite
the fact you're my brother man it's like you know this is killing me you're
aiming down so hard I'm not coming along with you and the reason I'm not is to
tell you in no uncertain terms that what you're doing is so terrible that I will
even violate our kinship to oppose it and maybe it'll take them 10 years to
wake up to that you know and something that can be the case because you know
people often have to be hit so many times before they learn you see that
especially if someone's addicted or or otherwise pursuing a pathway that's like
seriously downhill so yeah are you poor you cover that pretty well in that
chapter where you're saying there's a certain point where you just gotta say
you know we're done yeah we're done we're done well it's like why should I
think that you're actually trying to change maybe you're just telling me is
your you tell me the story that you use to justify your own idiocy to yourself
and then you tell it to me and you demand that because I'm compassionate I
accept it and therefore validate your excuse it's like well that like it's
really hard not to get tangled up in that right because if someone who's
really in rough shape is telling you about why they're suffering first of all
they're probably about half right in their story but some of its
justification and excuse and blaming and all of that failure to take
responsibility it's really hard to stand up and say no I don't buy that no I
don't buy that no you're wrong about that you have to be a brutal bastard in
order to do that but hey sometimes like surgery is brutal right
it's brutal but they're allowed to cut you open and we're gonna rip out part of
your body however right right exactly right precisely and so so this chapter
about you know only making friends with people who want the best for you that's
a brutal chapter you know but it's right unfortunately