- I know that none of you are going to read my tax plan, (patriotic music)
much less understand it,
so let me boil it down for you.
If you vote for me, I will cut your taxes.
I will give you more free stuff.
And someone else will pay for it.
Somehow.
Yes, of course I'm running a negative campaign,
after all Teddy Roosevelt, my favorite president,
called the presidency the bully pulpit.
How else is this supposed to be any fun
if I'm not trolling my opponents?
Our education system is way behind
other developed countries.
Folks, we only have an electoral college.
We need to have an electoral graduate school,
perhaps even an electoral doctorate degree.
What is the government anyway?
Does anybody really know?
No seriously, I'm asking, does anyone know
what the government is?
Were I to meet with the North Korean dictator,
the first thing I would do, the very first thing
would be to pull out these questions,
and make him answer every single one of them.
This is called, "36 Questions that Lead to Love."
I will work across party lines to balance the budget,
and if they won't cooperate,
I will relentlessly harass and bully them,
until they cave in.
The other day I was at one of our great national parks.
And I spoke to a tree that was there.
And the tree told me that he was so concerned
about pollution that he didn't have the energy
to convert CO2 into oxygen.
Folks, this is a predicament that no American tree
should find himself in.
Casting a vote for one of my opponents
is taking a major gamble on the future of this country.
So if you go to the ballot box, and are thinking of voting
for one of these clowns,
you need to ask yourself a question.
Do I feel lucky?
Well do ya, punk?
Have you ever thought about the condition
that we're leaving the world in for future generations?
And if you have, do you have any advice
on how to stop thinking about it?
Because my therapist is out of ideas.
We need prison reform in this country,
to focus on rehabilitation rather than retribution.
So as president, I would take these criminals,
and I would send them to a big ranch.
When I am president, I will be on-call 24/7.
If the country needs me, wake me up at any time,
whether it's the middle of the night,
or the middle of a cabinet meeting.
As president, I will run things smoothly and efficiently,
so that I only have to work four hours a week,
and I will telecommute for those four hours
from an island in the South Pacific.
We need to build a big beautiful wall around Florida.
Have you read the news stories that come out of that place?
It's freakin' bizarre.
Climate change is a major issue that we must face.
Just last winter, I had to leave my house,
and shovel snow off my driveway.
I got blisters on my hands.
I caught a cold, I even went snow blind.
Never again.
We need to warm this place up way faster.
I'm the smartest candidate running for president,
but I understand that the only thing that really matters
is my image on TV.
So, I'm screwed.
When I snap my fingers, you will fall into a deep sleep.
(fingers snapping)
Now, when I snap my fingers again, (strange hypnotic music)
you will awaken and vote for me on election day.
Three, two, one.
(fingers snapping)
(upbeat music) [as Barack Obama] I'm running for president, and I talk like this.
[as Bill Clinton] If you wanna be president, all you have to do
is talk kinda like this.
[barely trying to do a George W. Bush impression] Strategery.
[as Donald Trump] Believe me folks, believe me.
Bam!
Best presidential impersonator.