hello sweeties potatoes welcome back
these were the words i used to think of
when i thought of
perfectionism strength detail-oriented
overachiever gets things done
high-functioning
productive i wore it like a badge of
honor and was quite proud of myself for
having such a wonderful and driven trade
and
it was also my go-to answer in job
interviews when they would ask
what is your greatest weakness what i've
learned over the years is that
perfectionism
actually looked a lot more like this
paralysis procrastination judgment
overly critical of self and others
unrealistic expectations
stress burnout anxiety and
depression over the past few years i've
learned to see
perfectionism for what it truly is which
is
nowhere near being as glamorous or
romantic as i once thought it was
and i've also learned to embrace and
internalize
progress over perfection and that done
is better than perfect today we'll be
talking about
the true face of perfectionism the
difference between demanding perfection
and striving for excellence and six tips
on how to manage
our perfectionist tendencies
perfectionism is not the same thing as
striving to be your best
perfectionism is the belief that if we
live perfect
look perfect and act perfect we can
minimize or avoid the pain of
blame judgment and shame it's a shield
it's a 20-ton shield that we look around
thinking it will protect us
when in fact it's the thing that's
really preventing us from flight
i also love elizabeth gilbert's way of
describing perfectionism
as fear dressed up in fancy heels and a
mink coat very similar to what she
shared in her book big magic
i secretly thought that demanding
perfection from myself was a form of
virtue and something good and something
that i should do
but in reality i realized that it was
just my fear
of not being enough not being good
enough not being smart enough not being
thin enough not being pretty enough not
being enough and i think fundamentally
this is what perfectionism is it's this
idea this thing that we've convinced
ourselves that if we are this
then we will be enough perfectionism can
also show as
being highly critical and judgmental of
ourselves and
others having a hard time starting
things completing things or even never
starting anything at all
as well as procrastination due to fear
of failure
there's also the all or nothing thinking
my work is either perfect or i'm a total
failure
as well as focusing too much on the end
results and setting unrealistic
standards
at this point you may be thinking but
rowena what if i just have
really high standards for myself and i
just want to do a good job
what is wrong with that well my friends
i've learned over the years that there's
a very big difference between
demanding perfection and striving for
excellence
so what's the difference between the two
demanding perfection is doing the thing
right
striving for excellence is doing the
right thing demanding perfection is
focused on how things appear
striving for excellence is focused on
why you're doing demanding perfection
is other focused what will they think
and
is seeking external validation while
striving for excellence
is self-focused how can i improve and is
seeking internal betterment the results
of these two thoughts lead to
very drastically different states but if
we're able to take a step back and see
perfectionism for what it truly is
we'll be able to slowly undo
all these ideas in our heads that we
feel like we should be
as well as learn how to truly embrace
progress
over perfection
renee brown defines authenticity as the
daily practice of letting go of who we
think we're supposed to be
and embracing who we are authenticity is
a collection of choices that we have to
make every day
it's about the choice to show up and be
real the choice to be honest
the choice to let our true selves be
seen so show up
every day for yourself as yourself this
is one of my favorite poems and drawings
from
shel silverstein she had blue skin and
so did he
he kept it hid and so did she they
searched for blue their whole life
through
then passed right by and never knew this
is how i think
most of us are living these days we all
have masks on
of who we think we should be hiding our
true selves from being seen from the
world because
of fear and everything that we've talked
about and so we're walking around
existing in this world never really
being able to find
true connection because we all have our
mask on
what i realize when i reflect back on to
my college days was
i tried so hard to be effortlessly cool
and you know the whole like the
effortless look of your hair and makeup
it actually takes so much more time to
get that look
than it is to just you know
in this case be myself like it was
actually really tiring
trying to be a certain way trying to act
a certain way try to talk a certain way
trying to dress a certain way
even though at that time i felt like
that was who i was and that was my
identity
when i look back now i realized that i
did a lot of things
for other people i had interest because
i thought guys would find that
attractive
i dressed a certain way because i wanted
to
appear a certain way i talked a certain
way and just all of those things
were all for other people none of it
was for me and i think this can bleed
into everything else the career path
that we chose
whether it's influenced by our parents
or our peers all of these things
if we were to strip everything back and
to look at ourselves in the mirror and
to ask ourselves
who are you really and what do you care
about
the more that we're able to get to know
ourselves the more that we're able to
understand ourselves and our true
intentions of doing anything it is that
we're doing the more that we'll be able
to show
in this world as ourselves with our
masks
off whenever i'm with a friend who is
just so
authentically and unapologetically
themselves
it also brings that out of me because
when you see someone with their mask off
you feel like you have permission to
take yours off as well if you think
about it this way too
the more often you have your mask off
the more you'll be able to
influence and inspire those around you
to also be more authentically themselves
so it's just all a win-win all around
if we live in a world where every single
person was happy with who they
are and not afraid of showing their true
selves to the world
what a world that would be but until
then
we can continue working on ourselves
in anything that we do being aware of
whether you're demanding perfection for
yourself
or striving for excellence is very
important
prime example right now this video has
been pretty hard to make i will be
very honest with you guys when i started
the sun was still up now it's completely
set it's black outside in the city
and i'm still here we're on point number
two
a part of me feels like a lot of the
things i've been talking about is very
similar to the previous two videos that
i've made about the art of being alone
but not lonely
and then insecurities and how to
overcome them that part of me that's
still a bit of a perfectionist it's like
you gotta make sure every video is a
banger and that
you're sharing some new information and
that it's helpful and that it's not
repetitive
but you know what it's okay that is
demanding perfection for myself
while striving for excellence is
accepting
my reality for what it is and rolling
with the punches while still
trying to have a good time i think a
good indicator of whether you're
demanding perfection or striving for
excellence
is the whole destination versus journey
right like if you're along for the ride
if you're enjoying the journey if you're
present if you're able to
soak in everything as you venture and as
you grow and as you
learn then you are going to be excited
and the journey is going to be enjoyable
however if you're focused on the
destination with the pressure
to achieve some sort of an outcome a
desirable outcome that you want
then the journey is not going to be
desirable at all because you're not
focused on the journey so now
this is me trying to enjoy the journey
if we're able to be warm and
understanding of ourselves when we do
things that
we feel like we shouldn't be doing or
that we could be doing better or that
it's inadequate i think
these are the times where we need to be
the warmest and the most understanding
for ourselves the main thing about
demanding perfection from yourself and
having perfectionism
tendencies is because you feel like
you're inadequate in
certain aspects of your life so you need
to overcompensate by being
perfect at the core of that really is
not accepting and loving ourselves and
when we're able to do that if we're able
to be kind to ourselves and we're able
to be compassionate with ourselves
that we wouldn't feel the need to put a
mask on our face
a few things you can do to remind
yourself to be kinder to yourself is to
have daily affirmations whether it's
something like progress over perfection
or done is better than perfect
saying that to yourself every day or
whenever you
find yourself being in a mood and
wanting things done a certain way
like how i was just five minutes ago
that's one thing you can do you can also
leave post-it notes around your
apartment or
on your computer this is something that
i like doing
if i'm going through something i like
leaving post-it notes next to me
um sometimes i'll even put it in my
bullet journal just so every single day
or every week when i flip to it i'm
reminded of oh
i need to chill out and breathe and
everything will be okay
if you really want to compare yourself
to anyone it should be with yourself
and you can objectively compare yourself
with yourself
find things that you can work on and
find things that you can improve on
this is a lot more constructive as we
said earlier
striving for excellence is constructive
then
demanding perfection which is something
that again is
unattainable so just be mindful of that
and make it a point to check in with
yourself either monthly or
quarterly or half a yearly or even just
once a year reflect
on how much you've come as a person i
think a lot of times
we exist in our current state
not being present fixating on the past
or the future
without actually comparing ourselves to
who we were
a few months ago or even a year ago and
realizing how much we've actually come
and sometimes you'll realize that maybe
you didn't move too far
and that you might want to move a little
more and i think
this is why self-reflection this is why
looking inward
versus seeking extra validation is so
important because you can be
constructive with your time and how you
choose to spend your time instead of
fixating on things that you can't change
you can turn it inward
and help yourself be a better version of
yourself
as we're going along our journey of
discovering ourselves understanding
ourselves accepting ourselves
it's important to recognize who or what
might be reinforcing perfectionism
in you whether it's friends whether it's
parents whether
it's what you're seeing on social media
society
yourself anything just recognizing it
and being aware of it i think is the
first and most important step
for example every time i talk to this
friend i feel like i'm not enough and i
feel that i need to be more perfect or
my parents have treated me or taught me
from a young age that i need to uphold
this
version of myself that is not me but
that is what they want me to be
or even it's through social media or
it's through entertainment or it's
through things that we consume
so after you're recognized and after
you're aware of what is contributing to
these perfectionism tendencies
you can choose what you want to do with
it either you stop hanging out as much
with this friend
whether you start taking what your
parents say with a grain of salt
whether you just delete instagram or you
set a timer or you're just more
conscientious with who you're following
if we want to use social media and
entertainment as a specific example
take some time and take a mental
inventory or actually write out the
shows that you've been watching the
music you've been listening to
the people you follow on instagram or
the people that you see most often on
your feed and in your stories
and ask yourself are they contributing
positively to my
mental state or is it reinforcing me to
need to be
more perfect because i feel like i'm not
enough
common humanity recognizes that there
are shared human experiences that we all
go through
anything that we go through all the
feelings that we have no matter
what contributes to it no matter what
triggers it no matter where it comes
from
the feelings that we feel are all
universal
when we truly embrace this fact
it helps us realize that at our core
we're all the same that we're all humans
that we're all trying to do our best and
that we're all trying to get by
regardless of our circumstances it helps
us shed this need and this desire to be
perfect
if we're all on our merry way
trying to be the best versions of
ourselves trying to do the right thing
then there's no point that we need to
feel the need to have
a mask in front of our face covering our
beautiful beautiful face
because we realize that we're all the
same
we're all trying our best we're all
trying to do our best
and we all fundamentally just want to be
love accepted and
appreciated so with all of that one last
parting thought i want to share with you
guys in terms of sitting down and
filming is that
every time after i film i don't think i
did that well and i don't think i spoke
the most eloquently or the most
concisely as i could
but as soon as i sit down and edit i
realize
huh you don't sound half as bad as they
thought you sounded
a lot of times we're hyper critical of
ourselves a lot of times
we're very judgmental of the things that
we're doing or the things that we're not
doing or the things that we're saying or
things we're not saying
not realizing that outside looking in
you good
yeah i hope with the rambles
guys are able to get something out of
this video
and you know this was able to show you
guys that
the journey is the journey there will be
ups and there will be downs but it's how
you
pick yourself up and move forward and
internalizing
that done is better than perfect and
embracing
progress over perfection and with that
thank you guys so much for watching this
video i'm grateful for you guys as
always
here's a hug i need a hug i also need
food
and yeah see you guys in next week's
video
bye