Hey guys, so I recently
did a video on
a viewer's comment
about some single mama drama
and I wanted to do a follow-up
because there's more information you need to know.
In fact, there are five things
you need to know before
considering dating a single mom.
And knowing these five things
is going to save you
a lifetime of pain and suffering.
Just the tip number one,
if she's a good mom
you will never be her top priority.
Tip number two,
if she's not a good mom
that's a red flag
and she's probably not a keeper.
Okay so, what's a guy to do?
You meet an amazing woman
and she's so perfect in almost every way
that is even possible
but she's got a kid.
If you don't want to end up heartbroken
or broke AF
there are five things you need to know
before you date a single mom.
Welcome to just the tip Tuesday.
Number one,
you're not her priority.
Number two,
crappy moms are low value.
Number three,
it's a package deal.
Number four,
you're not the daddy.
Number five,
her baby's daddy
is a part of the package deal.
Number six,
surprise there is one time
a single mom is a better option
than a woman
without a kid,
uhh.
Number seven,
timing is critical.
Number eight, if she has
these two qualities
she might be worth considering.
Number nine,
if she does this with you...
It could be a green flag.
But number ten,
if she does this
with her baby daddy
that's a red flag.
Okay, let's go through these in more detail.
Number one, you're not her priority.
She's got a kid
the kid's the priority.
Kids require a lot of attention
just to keep the little bees alive
and unharmed.
Real life example.
It's Friday night
and you want to have
a romantic evening with your woman
but no sex for you
because it's little Johnny's bake sale tomorrow
and she needs to be
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed
for little johnny.
But that's actually a good thing
because just the tip number two,
if she's a crappy mom
she's not a keeper.
If she can't even
care about her kid
she's not going to be able to care about you.
A woman who doesn't instinctively
care for and prioritize her child
is damaged goods,
full stop,
no apologies.
Real life example,
all right, she decides
she's going to get with you
instead of going
to little johnny's bake sale.
Little Johnny is disappointed
he misses band camp
develops a crappy attitude
towards you and mom,
resents you, grows up to be a hooligan,
steals your car eventually ends up in the slammer.
You think I just
I know just.
And by the way,
have you ever experienced life
with a crappy single mom?
If you have share your story
in the comments so you can help
other guys avoid
the pain you've experienced.
Just the tip number three,
it's a package deal
even if she's an amazing woman.
No matter what if she's
coming out of a split
or if she's a single mom
she's got baggage.
We've all got baggage but she's got extra baggage.
She's got little Johnny.
So, the emotional baggage
just like we all come out of relationships
with emotional baggage she's got extra
because she's got a kid but she's also got
probably if she's a good mom.
Some level of guilt that that relationship
didn't work out
and her kid is suffering
because of it on some level
and that is the truth.
And key point,
unless he died
and was an honorable guy
there's going to be some kind of back story
why it didn't work out
with the baby daddy.
And she's at least partly to blame
whether he's a good guy or not a good guy.
Either she chose poorly
or she treated him poorly.
If she can't own up to her part
that's a red flag.
Real life example.
Even though she might feel guilty about the breakup
she's always talking crap
about her ex
whether he's a good guy
or not such a good guy.
So, you don't just have little Johnny in the picture
but you have the memories and experiences
she had with little Johnny's dad,
which brings us to just the tip number four.
You're not my daddy.
Have you ever heard that?
I know if you've ever dated a single mom
you've heard that.
Kids require discipline to grow
in the right direction.
But reality land is that
you are not that kid's dad
so, your opinion
is not going to be considered
at least not in the beginning
and you're going to have to deal with that
even when it directly affects you.
Even a high value single mom
and you know that's not an oxymoron
will resist
giving you full reign
over her kid.
You may eventually have
an influence
but she has the final say.
And of course, even if she does have
a well-adjusted kid
at some point
that kid's going to become a teenager
and they're going to be unruly
because that's nature.
But there's also a fact that
90%
of prison inmates
come from single mom homes.
Real life example,
little Johnny leaves his dirty dishes all over the house
but when you tell him
to clean up after himself
he says you're not my daddy
but you're not allowed to do that.
Have you ever heard those words?
If you've dated a single mom
I bet you have.
Just to tip number five,
baby daddy is also part of the package deal
unless baby daddy died
he's still in the picture even if he isn't.
Either he's involved
and you got to deal with that
or he's not involved
and you got to deal with the negative memories of that
and the consequences on
both little Johnny
and Johnny's mom psyche.
And in the worst case scenario
she's actually still involved with him
either because of unresolved
emotional or attraction
or
possibly financial necessity.
Real life example,
maybe you and the kid get along great
and you've planned a family camping trip this weekend
but out of the blue little Suzie's
unpredictable and unreliable dad
shows up to spend some time with her.
Well, she still loves her dad
and mom feels guilty
so,
your camping plans are shot
because she's letting
Suzie go off with dad.
Not only that but you can't even go
camping now because you don't know when he's
going to drop her off unexpectedly.
That sucks.
Okay, but before I totally
scare you off single moms
if I haven't already
there are some potential things
you can look for that might
make her a yes.
No, I’m serious
stick with me here you might be surprised.
Tip number six,
the one time
she's better for you
than a single woman without a kid.
Her heart has healed.
If she's healed
from the past breakup
and she's not an emotionally
damaged woman because of it.
Or maybe she's even grown
in many positive ways
because of it.
Then that's better than being
with a woman without a kid
who is emotionally damaged
and hasn't dealt with her crap,
we all have crap.
And if she has a healed heart
she will be less apt to be triggered
when you do some of the same stuff
that hurt her in the past,
which is inevitable we all mess up,
we have triggers we don't know what they are for somebody else.
They don't know where our triggers are.
So, if she's healed
she's going to be able to handle those situations
with more grace, dignity,
respect, and love.
Real life example,
she's no longer
triggered by her ex's erratic
and unpredictable behavior.
So, when he does show up to
take little Suzie without any notice
she's like no we're not changing our family plans
next time you're going to have to
let us know in advance so we can schedule it.
Because she knows that
consistency is more important
to little Suzie
than random crumbs.
Because what happens if you
always do what you've always done
you'll always get what you've always got.
If he's always getting away with it
he'll continue to get away with it.
Stop getting away with it
eventually you won't try to get away with it.
Now, if you're the single dad
I've got some pointers for you coming up.
But yes, sometimes
it's not always possible
depending on your work schedule
or what have you to be able
to plan in advance.
But you have to try
you can't just show up out of the blue
not fair to your kid not fair to kids mom
not fair to the relationship.
Your priority should be
what's in the best interest of that child.
It brings us to tip number seven,
timing is important.
Fact is critical.
If she's been off the market for a while
in order to be able to heal
and to give her child some stability
and to deal with the baggage
that came from that breakup
that's a good sign.
Now, how long are you supposed to wait for her to heal?
It depends on
how long they were together,
how much emotional damage was caused,
either way,
and what her values are
and what your values are.
You'll be able to tell if she's truly
over that past relationship.
And if she's had enough time
to be on her own
and display that she
can take care of herself and her child
without running into the next guy's arms
right away to save them
that's good.
Also, it also proves that
she's no longer pining for her ex
or there's a much lower chance
that she's going to get back together with him.
Tip number eight, if she has
these two qualities
she might be a keeper.
She's hard-working
but soft-hearted.
So, she works hard
so she doesn't have to rely on baby daddy.
But at the same time,
she hasn't let that hard work
harden her
or make her bitter
towards him
or other men.
Real life example,
even though she's super independent
and able to take care of herself
when you offer to carry her groceries in
or do some other chivalrous thing
instead of saying I can do it on my own.
She graciously accepts your help
and thanks you.
A single mom
who's financially able to take care
of herself and her child
within the relationship
without becoming
overly independent
or boss babe
ball busting
***
will be a woman who can contribute
in the relationship.
Ladies, take note.
Too many independent women
think that because they have to be
working through their masculine in their jobs
or their careers or their businesses
that they can't also
be soft
and feminine and nurturing.
Don't lose that softness.
She has a team mate attitude,
which brings us to number nine.
If she believes in co-parenting
with you
that's a green flag.
If you can find a single mom
who understands and appreciates
the sacrifice you're making
to be with her and her kid
that's a really good sign.
Even if she can't fully let go of the reins
if she considers your perspective,
your opinion on
matters to do with her child
that's a pretty good sign
that she might be a keeper
that's a green flag.
Now, this is a rare quality
because most single moms
are pretty protective of their children
until they learn to trust you.
This is also why it's really important
to choose someone
who has compatible
values, beliefs, and long-term goals.
Real life example.
Little Suzie has a crappy attitude
towards her mom or to you
and you say hey,
don't speak to your mom that way
go to your room until you have
an attitude adjustment.
And little Suzie says
you're not my daddy.
But little Suzie's mommy says
go to your room
or you will be cut off the internet
and your phone taken away
for 24 hours,
which we all know
is an eternity to kids these days.
So, she backs you
even if she doesn't agree with you.
She'll front with you
and discuss it privately
behind the scenes because she knows
united you stand
divided you fall and kids know that too.
And along those lines is number 10.
If she sets boundaries with her ex
that's a green flag.
It's you and her
not her and her ex.
Now of course, if the baby daddy is a decent dude
of course he's going to be in the picture
but her priority,
her loyalty is with you.
As a mom, her loyalty
is to her child.
But when it comes between you
and dude
you're her priority.
Real life example,
daddy shows up to take little Suzie
mom's like
sorry we're going camping
next time give us some notice.
My question is
have you ever dated a single mom
with a crappy ex
in the picture?
What happened? Share your story
it might help someone else
avoid the pain of dealing
with the same situation.
Thanks for being here
I hope this helped.
God bless.
(Music)