- Today, we sing your Tinder fails.
- Let's talk about that.
(upbeat music)
- Good Mythical Morning.
- Today, we are turning Link into a human Flamin' Hot Cheeto
and doing a helium rant about crazy exes.
But first, let's talk about love.
- Mm-hmm.
If you're single, you wanna find that special someone
to sweep you off your feet.
But if want them to sweep you, first you gotta wipe right.
I mean, swipe right.
It's time for Tinder Fails: The Musical.
Welcome to the show, from the CW hit, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,
our Tinderella, Rachel Bloom.
(audience applauds - Whoo!
- Thanks for coming in, Rachel.
- Hello.
- Yeah, we all color coordinated.
- Yeah, we did. - Yeah, that's so weird.
We never planned this.
- No, we didn't.
Well, congratulations on everything
that has happened to you. (chuckles)
- Thank you.
- I'm not talking about you doing jury duty the other day.
- Yeah, that was really fun.
I didn't get picked.
I was actually kind of insulted.
- Really?
- They picked like four panels,
and they never called my name.
- You'd rather be there than here.
I get it.
(audience laughs) - Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, well, what we're gonna be doing today
is we are actually gonna be turning
some actual Tinder conversation threads into musicals.
- Mm-hmm.
- And this isn't the first time
that we've collaborated on a musical.
Remember those middle school musicals?
- I do.
- Specifically the Breaking Bad middle school musical?
- I do.
- I think we have a clip.
- Me too.
♪ Calcium, nitrogen ♪
♪ Carbon, erbium ♪
♪ Makes cancer ♪
♪ It makes cancer ♪
♪ Are you chickens like the chickens ♪
♪ In my chicken restaurant ♪
♪ When you speak less headless ♪
♪ Don't know what the (clucking) you want ♪
♪ I am the one who knocks ♪
♪ I used to be Kenny G ♪
♪ Now I'm hard rock ♪
♪ So stop asking questions ♪
♪ Get back to folding my socks ♪
♪ Because I am the one who knocks ♪
- I was all those kids.
(Rhett and Link laugh)
It was like kind of an Eddie Murphy thing
I was pulling. - It's amazing.
- No, I wrote, I wrote, I wrote,
I co-wrote that musical.
- Yes, you did.
- All right, we have some real Tinder conversations
people have posted online,
and we're going to sing them in styles on popular musicals.
- Great, that sounds like my jam.
- Yes, and the most popular musical right now
is probably Hamilton, so let's see what it sounds like
if we talked about the Bill of Rights swipes.
- All right, so you guys go and get ready.
- Okay.
- 'Cause you need to get in the get up.
- I've been rehearsing for this for months so.
(audience laughs) - Yeah, me too.
- Great, great.
- All right, guys.
We now present our first Tinder fail
in the style of Hamilton.
(dramatic music)
- I'm just like my country.
I'm young, scrappy, and hungry.
- Oh, so you're one of the founding fathers, huh?
- Yes, but you can call me daddy.
- Oh, no.
♪ Do you have any raisins ♪
♪ Yeah, plenty ♪
♪ You ruined my pickup line ♪
♪ Oh, my bad ♪
♪ Ask me again ♪
♪ Do you have any raisins ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ Well how about a date ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ You ruined my pickup line ♪
(audience applauds) (Link laughs)
- Wow, I think actually like Hamilton now.
And I would also like a raisin.
- You didn't like Hamilton before?
- Well, let's not get into it
but no. - Oh no.
- Wow, that's quite--
- I'd also like a raisin and a date.
- I didn't get a great look at that.
- Oh, there's a whole thing under it.
- Can I, I did, but can I--
- Thank you for asking for my consent before you
(Rhett laughs) poke at my pinafore.
Yes, of course.
I don't know.
I guess this was attractive.
I have such a short little waist.
It really just makes it look like
I have a short interruption before other boobs start.
(Rhett and Link laugh)
It's like, first boobs--
- Other boos.
- Second boobs, third boobs.
- All right, that was a great start.
Now it's our turn.
So you're headed right back up there
with me. - Okay.
- Yes, you guys head over, get set up.
Now people do weird things when they have a crush,
like haunting an opera house.
Ladies and gentlemen, here's a Tinder fail
in the style of Phantom of the Opera.
(dramatic music) - Oh.
- Now that we're beneath the opera house,
I need to ask you just one thing.
- If I'll love you for who you really are
underneath the mask?
- No, something far more important.
♪ Did you buy your tickets yet ♪
♪ To the gun show ♪
♪ What, no ♪
♪ To my public trial ♪
♪ I'm going to jail ♪
♪ Lol, for ♪
♪ Animal neglect ♪
♪ Because you don't eat them ♪
♪ No, for having these sick pythons ♪
♪ Oh, god ♪
(audience applauds)
- Nice.
Although, I gotta say,
the glasses over the mask is a little disconcerting.
It's a little crooked.
- Well, I had to be able to see, man. (chuckles)
Right, Rachel?
- Yeah.
- A man gotta see.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- All right, it's your turn.
So you guys go ahead and head over.
- You're gonna just keep coming here
and then getting up again.
- Okay, wow.
I thought there was gonna be a whole interview portion but--
- You're in every one.
- No, I'm just a prop today.
That's fine. (Rhett laughs)
- How do you feel about this?
That's a good--
- Oh, how do I feel about being a prop?
- No, I was just asking you an interview question.
- Oh.
- It didn't work.
Just stay change clothes
or whatever you guys are about to do.
All right, the musical Chicago, folks,
is all women who have been put in jail for murder.
But some of these Tinder conversations are the real crime.
We now present a Tinder fail
in the style of Chicago The Musical.
(dramatic music)
- So who'd you murder to get famous, your husband?
- Oh, honey, do I have a story for you.
Fake cigarette?
- No, I'm on the patch.
♪ I'm from a small town ♪
♪ How tall are you ♪
♪ Six foot eight ♪
♪ Wow, you're pretty tall ♪
♪ Yeah, some girls like it ♪
♪ But it sucks because I have ♪
♪ Really long legs and arms and big feet ♪
♪ But tiny hands ♪
♪ So when I run, I look like a goblin sometimes ♪
♪ You there ♪
(audience applauds)
- Ah, Rhett, that role was perfect for you.
- Yes, I'm a goblin.
- Yeah, well, I wasn't gonna say it.
All right, now that you're sitting here,
let's go back over there.
(Rhett and Link laugh) - Damn it!
I'm getting my steps in.
- Okay, all right.
One thing about cats, besides the fact that I hate them,
is that they're always trying to mate.
So it's basically like Tinder.
So let's give Tinder the Cats treatment.
(dramatic music)
(Link hisses)
- Meow.
This song is for Jellicle cats.
- Meow.
What the hell is a Jellicle cat?
- It's a cat that's thirsty for swipes.
♪ Hey, what's up ♪
♪ What's it like being a truck ♪
♪ What do you mean ♪
♪ I'm not a truck, lol ♪
♪ Profile pictures don't lie ♪
♪ Lol, I have other pics than my truck ♪
♪ Lol, but I do love my truck ♪
♪ That's what a truck would say ♪
- Meow, I'm a cat.
- You're right, I am a truck.
(audience applauds)
- Wow.
That is what a truck would say.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that is what a truck would say.
- Very convincing cats.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you. (hisses)
- Very convincing Jellicle cats.
- Yeah, what's a Jellicle cat?
I still don't understand that.
- I do not know.
- Maybe they were saying angelical cats.
- No, they weren't. - They're absolutely not.
- Okay, all right. (audience laughs)
I'm just trying.
- Are you comfortable?
'Cause it's your turn to go over there.
- Oh, yes, let's go.
- All right.
- You have a way of treating guests around here.
- Welcome, Rachel.
- Ah, my tail is caught on the stool.
- Here's mine right here.
- This is a nightmare.
- All right, The Rocky Horror Picture Show
sounds like when someone's Tinder photos
don't look like them in real life.
But today, we're seeing this musical as a Tinder fail.
Take it away, Rhett and Rachel.
(dramatic music)
- Wow, there's a lot of strange characters
here in this mansion.
It's creepy.
- Yeah, it reminds me of online dating.
- Yeah.
- You know what else is weird.
- What?
♪ I have a bird I found in gutter by my work ♪
♪ The other day with a broken wing ♪
♪ Been trying to nurse it back to health ♪
♪ What kind of bird ♪
♪ I think it's an ostrich ♪
♪ Hahaha, k, I'm sure ♪
♪ Jk, it's a penguin ♪
♪ Good thing penguins can't fly ♪
♪ Well, don't tell that to Peter ♪
♪ I named him ♪
♪ Don't tell that to Peter ♪
♪ I named him ♪
(audience cheers)
- Oh, my god, thank you.
Curtain call.
Yes, yes.
- Bravo to our guest--
- Yes, thank you.
- [Rhett And Link] Rachel Bloom!
- Thank you so much.
- Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is on the CW,
airing Fridays at eight, seven Central.
- And next, we're turning me
into a human Flamin' Hot Cheeto.
If you like this, you're gonna want to see that.
- Oh, no, you don't.
- If you don't like this,
you're still gonna want to see that.
Listen to the latest Ear Biscuits podcast
online in podcast places now.