Can a narcissist change.
This is a question that so many people are asking in society today.
And I am going to give you the honest answer to this question,
but first let me introduce myself. My name is Kimberly Holmes.
I'm the CEO at marriage helper.
I also have been trained and started my masters in marriage and family therapy
have my master's in psychology and currently working on my doctorate degree in
psychology as well.
And the only reason I'm telling you that is to show that I have some credibility
in talking about narcissists and what we'll get into with narcissistic
personality disorder.
But I also want to let you know that by the end of this video,
I'm going to be explaining to you and sharing with you how you can have a
free call with a member of our team.
It's a free marriage strategy call, where if you're in the situation right now,
where you feel like your spouse is a narcissist and you are struggling to see if
there's any hope for your relationship there is,
and we have a team members and a full team that will talk to you for free,
hear your situation and guide you to the next best steps for how to get your
marriage to a better place. So be sure to stick around.
Now, when we talk about narcissism,
this is a word that is very pregnant in definition.
What I mean by that is it has multiple different definitions in ways that you
could think about this word.
Because it's the same word that people use for
lay terminology, so to say,
and what I mean by that is the word narcissist is used like the word he's an
angry person or that person is so self-centered or a prideful person.
However,
the word is also used as a definition and in the title of
an actual mental personality disorder,
but the two words are very
different. It's similar to the word bipolar.
Bipolar is actually a clinical definition for a mood
disorder that has very high levels of mania,
very low levels of depression that people either need medication therapy or a
combination of the two to actually be able to manage their life and be able to
live on a day-to-day basis.
It's an actual disorder.
Compared to when people in general society use the word, oh,
they're so bipolar when they're really just referring to someone who's kind of
moody. One day they're super excited or maybe very irritable,
which is up there with that manic part of it.
But they're talking about someone who one day is very excited, happy, outgoing,
and the next day is super down in the dumps.
That's not actually diagnosed as bipolar like the mood
disorder,
it's just a word that's being used to describe the way that someone is.
It's the same with narcissism. So yes,
there is narcissistic personality disorder, NPD for short,
and it is in the DSM.
The DSM is the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders,
which any trained and licensed therapist or psychologist or
counselor would use if they have the actual
ability to diagnose someone. Not every therapist or counselor does,
that's a total side note.
What you really need to know is that it is actual personality disorder. Yes.
However,
it has either nine or 13 qualifications in order for someone to even qualify to
be considered as a narcissistic personality disorder and even then it is
less than 1% of the population.
Way different than the way that culture and society is using the word narcissist
today.
I have another YouTube video that I've done in the past called married to a
narcissist,
which you can watch after this video that will give you even more information if
you want to know all about that.
But the real question you're asking here is can a narcissist change?
So we're going to take out that segment of people that is the less than 1% of
the population who actually struggles with narcissistic personality disorder and
put them to the side because the majority of situations are not going to fall
into that category. And instead,
we're going to focus over here on the word narcissism.
So when we label someone in society as a narcissist,
that word has come to mean someone who is very self centered.
I was reading a research study that was further defining it as
a person who is self-centered without relationality.
So it's someone who's really focusing on themselves and not on the majority of
relationships in their life.
Here's the other incredible thing about narcissism,
even narcissistic personality disorder,
which almost didn't even make it into the DSM-V because many of the
psychologists and researchers said, it's so common among so many people.
Here's, what's common about it.
We all have these areas in our life or the tendency in
our life, life to be self-centered. But it's to varying degrees.
There are some people in life who are way more self-centered and prideful than
others and some who are less so,
and it can even vary depending on the stage that you're in in your life or the
situation that you're experiencing.
You might become more self-centered if you're experiencing issues
at work or a lot of stress in your life you may look more inward to try and
protect yourself.
Versus if you are in a really great space in your life where everything's going
well,
and you tend to have more availability and ability to focus on other people and
not be self centered. So when we're talking about the question,
can a narcissist change,
the answer to that question is yes.
Because here's the real question you should even ask yourself.
Can you change?
Do you believe that if you were in a situation or time period in your life
where you were focusing more on yourself and being more self centered,
would you want other people to believe that you had the ability to change?
And I think all of us would say yes to that.
If I'm going through a hard time in my life where work is stressful,
the kids are demanding my marriage isn't going so well and because I am trying
to protect myself because mentally that's where my mind goes,
if I become more self centered and begin to do things like I'm
focusing on just investing more in myself, having more time to myself,
doing things that make me happy. I'm not saying that's the right thing to do,
but because of that stress,
if it then is creating more of a tendency in myself to turn
inward would I want the people in my life to believe I could change?
Here's the thing.
There's another psychological principle here called the self-fulfilling
prophecy. And it doesn't just have to do with how I think about myself.
But if my husband were to see me in that kind of situation,
where life is stressful and I'm being selfish because of the crazy things
happening again, this isn't justification for acting that way.
But if my husband looked at me in that time and decided to label me as a
narcissist, how does that help me? And in fact,
it can make it worse because then he's labeling me as something treating
me as such treating me like I'm broken or flawed,
or like I have a mental disorder when I don't,
which is only going to make me feel more isolated, more stressed out,
and then make me wonder, is it true?
When in fact it's probably not. 99% of the time,
it's not true. Here is what we need to do instead.
Realize that when people are acting selfish,
acting self-centered and doing things that they shouldn't do when they're doing
things that are hurtful to others,
because they're not thinking about how their actions are affecting other people.
And all of the things that can go with this term of narcissist that we use,
then realize this person is coming from a place of pain.
They have either had something in their past that has led them to feel like they
have to protect themselves and put walls up and focus on themselves because they
can't trust other people.
It may be coming from the way a parent treated them the way that their mother
was not there for them perhaps,
or perhaps because of a very important first romantic
relationship to them where they were hurt and,
and left and felt abandoned because of it.
And then it led them to focus more on turning inwards,
feeling like they couldn't trust other people.
Or maybe it's because of what is currently going on in that person's life that
is adding to this stress level and forcing that person because of their
defense mechanisms and the way that they handle stress to turn inward.
But that doesn't make them a narcissist.
It makes them a broken human who needs someone to show them empathy
and compassion. That's what it is. Now,
can that person change? The question then becomes,
can a person come out of that time in their life where they feel like they have
to be self-centered because they can't trust anyone or depend on anyone else.
And the answer is yes.
But here's what has to happen in order for that to happen.
The person going through that hard time,
the person that you're labeling as the narcissist needs to see that
you love them, that you care for them, that you're going to be there for them.
Now I know that the next question that's going to come up in people's mind is,
but where do I draw a boundary?
How do I protect myself when they are just blatantly doing things that are
hurting me when they're spending all of the family's money,
when they're never coming home to be with us in the kids when they are having
multiple affairs,
because they're just focused on what they want and what they need and they're
acting like this quote, unquote narcissist.
When they're acting very self centered, you should have boundaries.
You should protect yourself and protect your children,
you should protect your finances as much as you can,
but you can do all those things with love and compassion.
You can do all those things with empathy.
You may be thinking how in the world do I do that?
That is more of an art than a science and not something that I can easily answer
for you in this quick YouTube video that I'm doing.
But here is the benefit of you booking that free marriage strategy session.
When you speak with one of our client relations team members and you talk and
share what your situation is and where you're struggling,
our team will then point you to the best resource available for you.
Whatever that might be to help you and your spouse get over this
struggle, this obstacle that you're in, this place that you're in,
that we don't want you to stay.
But also to help you learn how you can implement boundaries and do that
without being disrespectful, unloving,
pushing your spouse further away and making them feel even more dejected and
alone than they already feel right now.
One thing that makes incredibly successful in satisfying relationships and
marriages that stay committed long-term and are happier and stronger than
ever is the ability to empathize.
The ability to see,
see the situation that your spouse is in and not judge them for the actions that
they're taking, not condemn them for the things that they're doing,
not condone them, not approve of all of these things either,
but instead love them through it.
It is possible to not agree with something that your husband or
wife is doing and love them at the same time.
Those two things don't have to contradict each other.
And this is what we get wrong in society all the time.
We feel like if someone is doing something that we don't approve of,
we need to cancel them,
or we need to stop talking to them or disassociate with them,
or judge them or label them.
And that is only leading to the destruction of relationships.
And so my encouragement to you is to see that when people are
struggling with these feelings of self-centeredness and selfishness,
it is not coming most of the time from the fact that this is an
evil person.
It's coming from the fact that this is a broken person who is looking for
connection, and doesn't know how to ask for it.
Who is looking for compassion and doesn't know how to receive it.
And the only thing that is going to help them get out of this and change
and help to become a different person is for someone to show them and treat them
like they're lovable. To not label them to not judge them,
but to love them through it. We can teach you how to do that at marriage helper,
click the link and schedule that free call with someone on our
team. We will listen to your situation.
We will point you to the best resource that we have that can help you to
save your marriage and make it stronger than ever before.