-Thank you so much, New York.
Oh, my God, I'm so happy to be back.
I've been traveling a lot recently, which has been fun,
but it's weird, like, I've noticed that my race changes
city to city? [ Laughter ]
Like, when I'm in Chicago, people just think that
I'm half black, half white.
When I'm in New York, people think that I'm Puerto Rican?
[ Laughter ]
But when I'm in CVS, everyone thinks I'm stealing.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Which, you know, it's really frustrating.
Um...because I am.
[ Laughter ]
And I don't want them to catch me.
[ Laughter ]
But also, like, why do you think that I'm stealing?
I look like I'm in a brochure
for a very expensive liberal arts school? So...
[ Laughter ]
Mm. Leave me alone. [ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ] ChapStick should be free.
[ Laughter ]
My favorite articles right now are all the articles of, like,
older people trying to come to terms with the fact that
millennials are just poor. [ Chuckles ]
Like the best one I've seen is...
[ Haughty voice ] "why aren't millennials buying diamonds?"
[ Laughter ] "The industry is in peril."
[ Laughter ]
And it's like one time I spent more than $40 on groceries,
and my bank thought someone stole my debit card.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Like, I would love -- I would love to get a chain,
but first I got to stop looking at salmon
as a high-risk investment, you know?
[ Laughter ]
There's levels to this.
Kind of feel like ever since Trump won,
everything I do is radical just because I'm a minority.
Like I wake up in the morning, revolutionary.
[ Laughter ]
I ask the cashier for a cup of water
but I low-key get some Sprite? Anti-capitalist.
[ Laughter ]
But I feel like the election has changed us although in ways
we're, like, just starting to now realize.
'Cause the other day, I was on the train,
and I see this, like, mid-20s white dude,
like, very fit, athletic, kind of fratty, professional,
just hit a crack pipe and start freestyling?
[ Laughter ]
And, like, that's a level I'm trying to get at, you know?
[ Laughter ]
Like, chasing all my dreams at once, really.
[ Laughter ]
That's my goal. [ Chuckles ]
I can be kind of an awkward flirt sometimes.
I can have a hard time flirting,
just because people don't always read me as queer
when they first meet me
because I've been told that I can come across as "masc,"
and if you don't know what that means, it's basically just gay
for... [ Chuckles ] "I'm not like other girls."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's like a little weird, but I actually really like whiskey.
So, I'm kind of quirky, you know?
[ Laughter ]
I'm living in L.A. right now, which is fun.
I miss New York so much, but I found a way
to make L.A. fun in that I'm just fully trying to hook up
with Uber drivers.
[ Laughter ]
And like, the other day, y'all, like, I got so close.
Like I get in the car, the guy's cute.
He's like, "Oh, where you coming from?"
And I was like, "oh, a show."
And he's like, "oh, what instrument do you play?"
And I was like, "the voice." [ Laughs ]
But I was like, "no, I do stand-up or whatever,"
and I say, "or whatever," so he knows that I'm humble.
[ Laughter ]
And then he goes, "oh, my God, like, I love stand-up."
"I've actually written a couple jokes but I'm a little nervous
to get on stage and try it." And I was like, "oh, my God, no,
you seem like you have such a...natural stage presence."
[ Laughter ]
I was like, "here, just tell me a joke right now,
and we can work on it in the car together."
And he was like, "are you sure? I don't want to, like,
waste your time." I was like, "no, just, like, go for it."
He was like... [ Exhales deeply ] "okay, so,
uh... [ Inhales deeply ] me and my girlfriend..."
[ Laughter ]
And I was like, "needs work.
[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
"Right here is fine. You can just drop me off right now."
[ Laughter ]
But ultimately though, like, I think the hardest part
about traveling is that you really just start to lose track
of how hot you are at a certain point
'cause like it's cliché but it's true,
that, like, a Chicago hot is a New York cute,
and a New York cute is an L.A. shunned.
[ Laughter ] Because, like, my brothers --
like, my, brothers are L.A. They're both, like, tall, fit.
They carry themselves with confidence.
I'm small, pale, I carry myself like an inbred European Prince?
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Like, I don't even really, like, step when I walk.
I just sort of, like, glide everywhere that I go. You know?
But I know I'm not ugly.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
All right. Thank you. Oh, thank you!
[ Applause ]
Like on a one to 10 scale, I don't think that I could,
like, model, but I could definitely
end a Republican Senator's career. You know?
[ Cheers and applause ] That's what I feel like
I'm gonna like... All right, thank you, guys.
You guys have been so much fun! Thanks!