WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) DONALD TRUMP'S BEEN PRESIDENT
FOR OVER A YEAR NOW.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) >> Stephen: LOOK, I'M WITH
YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) AT THIS POINT, I GO TO BED EVERY
NIGHT BELIEVING THERE'S NOTHING HE COULD SAY OR DO THAT COULD
POSSIBLY SURPRISE ME.
THEN THE SUN COMES UP.
( LAUGHTER ) AND TODAY, IT HAPPENED AGAIN.
TRUMP MET WITH THE NATION'S GOVERNORS, AND AT THE TOP OF THE
AGENDA WAS THE URGENT PROBLEM OF SCHOOL SHOOTINGS.
DONALD TRUMP HAS SAID THAT MAYBE WE SHOULD ARM TEACHERS.
THIS IDEA HAS NOT BEEN RECEIVED WELL BY PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN, OR
WHO HAVE HAD, A TEACHER.
( LAUGHTER ) FACED WITH THE SELF-EVIDENT
FLAWS OF MRS. FERGUSON PACKING HEAT IN HOME ROOM, TRUMP
RECONSIDERED HIS POSITION AND APPROACHED THE PROBLEM WITH A
MORE-NUANCED, MULTIFACETED, AND COMPREHENSIVE SOLUTION.
I'M JUST KIDDING.
( LAUGHTER ) SORRY.
JUST KIDDING.
( APPLAUSE ) NO, HE DID THIS.
>> WHEN THE PRESS COVERED IT, THE HEADLINE WAS, "TRUMP WANTS
ALL TEACHERS TO HAVE GUNS."
TRUMP WANTS TEACHERS TO HAVE GUNS.
I DON'T WANT TEACHERS TO HAVE GUNS.
I WANT HIGHLY-TRAINED PEOPLE THAT HAVE A NATURAL TALENT, LIKE
HITTING A BASEBALL OR HITTING A GOLF BALL.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: YEAH, SHOOTING A GUN
IS A NATURAL TALENT.
NOT EVERYBODY'S GOT IT.
YOU HAVE TO BE BORN WITH AT LEAST ONE FINGER.
AND SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY OUT OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD IS TO PLAY
GUN BALL.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU GUYS KNOW GUN BALL?
YOU GIVE ONE GUY A BALL, AND THEN YOU SHOOT HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) GOOD PLAYERS ON BOTH TEAMS,
SOMETIMES NOBODY WINS.
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU SEE SOMEBODY WHO'S A GOOD
SHOT, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE TEACHING AP CHEMISTRY.
THAT'S HOW YOU PICK THE BEST TEACHERS.
TRUMP IS SAYING THE PEOPLE LIKE THE IDEA.
IT'S GOT TRACTION.
OF COURSE, TRUMP'S SAYING ARM THE TEACHERS BECAUSE IF YOU'RE
IN THE POCKET OF THE N.R.A. THE SOLUTION IS NEVER FEWER GUNS.
THE SOLUTION IS ALWAYS MORE GUNS.
OF COURSE, THE SCHOOL IN FLORIDA DID HAVE AN ARMED SHERIFF'S
DEPUTY, BUT EVEN WITH GUNS AND TRAINING, HE DIDN'T ENTER THE
BUILDING.
NOR DID THE NEXT THREE ARMED DEPUTIES WHO SHOWED UP.
SO MAYBE ARMING PEOPLE'S NOT THE ANSWER.
I MEAN, WHO AMONG US COULD HONESTLY SAY WHAT THEY THINK
THEY WOULD DO IN THAT SAME SITUATION?
>> YOU KNOW I REALLY BELIEVE, YOU DON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU TEST
IT, BUT I THINK, I REALLY BELIEVE I'D RUN IN-- EVEN IF I
DIDN'T HAVE A WEAPON.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Jon: WOW!
THAT'S A BRAVE MAN.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
THERE'S A LOT THERE I DOUBT, BUT THE PART I REALLY DON'T BELIEVE
IS THAT HE CAN RUN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) I JUST DON'T -- I DON'T SEE IT.
SIR, WE ALREADY KNOW HOW YOU REACT TO COMBAT SITUATIONS.
YOU GOT FIVE DEFERMENTS FROM VIETNAM!
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, STAB THEM WITH YOUR BONE SPURS?
"I COULD HAVE WON VIETNAM.
NO WEAPON.
WOULD HAVE RUN RIGHT UP TO HO CHI MINH AND KARATE CHOPPED HIM
IN THE CLAVICLE."
( LAUGHTER ) "OKAY?
NIXON'S STILL PRESIDENT ."
AS LONG AS YOU'RE LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD, AT LEAST MAKE IT
INTERESTING.
"EVEN IF I HAD A GUN I WOULD HAVE DROPPED IT JUST TO SHOW HOW
TOUGH I WAS.
THEN I WOULD HAVE RUN IN AND HIT THE SHOOTER WITH MY LASER-BEAM
EYES.
THEN USE MY MIND LIKE NEO IN 'THE MATRIX' TO FLY AWAY TO
SPACE MAR A LAGO."
OH, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE YOU'VE EVER
IMAGINED.
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S REALLY STUPID, BUT HE
SAID IT, AND YOU CAN'T SAY HE DIDN'T SAY IT.
CAN YOU?
>> WHEN THE PRESIDENT SAID EARLIER TODAY THAT HE WOULD HAVE
RUN INTO THE SCHOOL, WAS HE SUGGESTING THAT HE COULD HAVE
SAVED THE DAY?
>> UH, I THINK HE WAS JUST STATING THAT, AS A LEADER, HE
WOULD HAVE STEPPED IN AND HOPEFULLY BEEN ABLE TO HELP AS A
NUMBER OF THE INDIVIDUALS THAT WERE IN THE SCHOOL, THE COACH
AND OTHER ADULTS AND EVEN A LOT OF THE STUDENTS STEPPED UP AND
HELPED PROTECT OTHER STUDENTS.
I THINK THE POINT HE WAS MAKING IS THAT HE WOULD HAVE WANTED TO
HAVE PLAYED A ROLE IN THAT AS WELL.
>> STEPHEN: SO TRUMP'S GOT ALL KINDS OF FANTASIES ABOUT WHAT
HE'D DO IN THAT SCHOOL.
"THE PRESIDENT BELIEVES HE'D HAVE A BIG ROLE IN THE SCHOOL,
THAT IF HE WERE A STUDENT THERE, HE'D BE CAPTAIN OF THE FOOTBALL
TEAM, PROBABLY DATING THE HOTTEST GIRL, THE OTHER KIDS
WOULD CALL HIM 'BIG DONNY,' HE'D SIT AT THE COOL LUNCH TABLE, BUT
IN THE END, HE SURPRISES THE NERDS WHEN HE SHOWS UP TO HELP
THEM WIN THE STATE SPELLING BEE."
( LAUGHTER ) YES.
NEXT QUESTION.
SPHWHRRVEGH TRUMP TOLD THE GOVERNORS IT'S
NOT GUNS.
HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHO IS AT FAULT.
>> YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT VIDEOS.
THEY'RE VICIOUS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS DOES TO A YOUNG KIDS' MINDS.
THE INTERNET, MOVIES, YOU LOOK AT THESE MOVIES THAT ARE AROUND
TODAY.
I SEE JUST BY A COMMERCIAL THE LEVEL OF CRAZINESS AND
VICIOUSNESS IN THE MOVIES.
I THINK WE HAVE TO LOOK AT THAT TOO.
I THINK WE HAVE TO PUT A RATING SYSTEM ON THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WELL -- IF YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR FRESH IDEAS, THAT GUY -- HE'S YOUR MAN!
YES!
WHY DON'T WE HAVE SOME SORT OF RATING SYSTEM ON MOVIES
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE?
SOME SORT OF LETTER.
SOME SORT OF A LETTER SYSTEM, SOMETHING LIKE G FOR GORY OR R
FOR RESPECTFUL OR X FOR EXCELLENT.
OF COURSE, "PG-13" IS FOR IF PAUL GIAMATTI PLAYS 13
CHARACTERS.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S THAT GOOD.