- So, there's this fact of life
that I think about pretty often.
Every single one of us, you, me, everyone else,
we are all skeletons wearing meat suits hurtling
through space on a rocket thousands of miles an hour,
and when you really think about this fact it's humbling
but it's also totally rad and it's
a good reason for why we should
probably wear sunglasses indoors more often.
But in addition to all of that it also means
that we shouldn't really feel nervous
when we're meeting new people.
After all, they too are just shambling stacks
of collagen hurtling through space at ludicrous speeds.
Still, a lot of us get that tight feeling in the gut
when faced with the prospect of meeting a new person
and there are a lot of deep rooted reasons for this.
Maybe you fear being judged, maybe you fear being rejected
or something that I struggle with big time,
maybe you're just afraid that you're gonna have nothing
to say to the other person after you introduce yourself
and shake their hand and things are gonna get awkward.
Luckily, there are strategies that you can use
to deal with all of these problems
and today we're gonna go over some of
the ones that don't include ingesting fermented sugar
or limiting all of your interactions
to two dimensional characters.
Number one.
Detach your sense of self-worth
from the outcome of the meeting.
Realize that rejection doesn't matter in the long run.
Whether it's someone that you want
to ask out on a date or a potential business contact
or just somebody that you admire,
the way that they respond has no affect on your self-worth.
Now, if the meeting goes poorly you're gonna feel
some embarrassment in the short term, yes.
That is unavoidable.
But once you get over that feeling of embarrassment,
the long term effects are nothing but positive.
That rejection and the survival of
that rejection just is another data point
that proves you can get through
a rocky meeting and come out the other side intact.
And adopting this mindset actually makes
you a more attractive person right off the bat
because when you're not preoccupied with
the outcome of the meeting you're gonna act more naturally.
Now, a great way of getting better
at adopting this mindset every time
you go into an interaction is to work
on building a strong internal sense of self confidence.
And that is a topic for another video.
This one actually, but when you know
that you're awesome you're not constantly looking
for external validation to prop up
your sense of self confidence whether
it comes from people praising you
or people agreeing with your tastes.
When you have that strong core of self confidence,
you're gonna be much more able to make it
through a situation where there's potential rejection.
Number two.
Remember that the meeting is a two way street
and this means that the person you're meeting
is often just as nervous as you are,
even if you feel that you're on
the wrong side of a power imbalance
such as meeting a famous person or trying
to talk to somebody who you feel is out of your league.
People who are in the limelight,
people who are constantly showered with compliments,
they often feel like they don't deserve them
or that they're being put on a pedestal
and they don't know how to react well.
And in many cases it's not their social confidence
that has put them in the limelight.
It's something else like their talent
as a writer or as a musician and those
things don't automatically translate
to being confident in social situations.
A lot of celebrities and famous people
have attested to this.
Many of them have come out saying that they're shy,
that they're uncomfortable around new people
including people like Lady Gaga.
Number three.
Do your research on the other person, sometimes.
Now, this is not a tip that's going
to apply to spontaneous interactions.
If you meet somebody at an event, you shake their hand
and then you say one moment while
you go into the bathroom to stalk them on Facebook,
things are probably gonna get a little bit awkward
so in those cases probably ignore this one.
But if you know you're gonna meet somebody beforehand,
it can be useful to take a few minutes,
glance at their social profiles and try
to get a quick indication of what their interests might be.
For example if you were gonna meet Elon Musk
you might wanna know the current state
of the Falcon rocket projects and also
that he likes bees with top hats.
Number four.
The next tip is to practice visualization
which is essentially the practice
of mentally picturing a successful interaction happening
before you actually go into it or in
a more general sense visualization
just means picturing success in your mind.
Confucius said it best.
"He who says he can and he who says
"he can't are both usually right."
It comes right back down to
that internal sense of self confidence.
When you are confident that you're going
to win or have a great interaction,
you're much more likely to make that a reality.
And many, many athletes, Olympians,
movie stars, famous people of all types
have used this technique to great effect.
I think my favorite example is Jim Carrey
who actually wrote himself a fake check
for $10,000,000 that was dated three years
in the future and then kept that in his wallet.
- I wrote myself a check for $10,000,000
for acting services rendered and I put
it in my wallet and I kept it there
and it deteriorated and deteriorated and it stuck
and just before Thanksgiving 1995
I find out that I was gonna make $10,000,000
on I think it was "Dumb and Dumber."
- [Oprah] "Dumb and Dumber," yeah.
- Yeah.
- Lots of athletes use this technique as well.
The most famous example probably being Michael Phelps
who when he was working with his coach
would go home every single night
and be instructed to watch the videotape
which wasn't actually a physical videotape
but it was a mental projection of having
a perfect race and well, you know how well he did.
Number five.
- Bus number one.
- Remember that you do not look as nervous as you feel
and this is something that I have
to remind myself of every single time that I speak publicly.
When I first started speaking publicly
I was sure that the nervousness I felt,
that shaking in my hands,
that sort of static feeling in my head
was translating to the way that I looked on stage.
But after I got some video footage
of my first few times speaking,
I realized that that wasn't the case at all.
Maybe my motions were a bit robotic,
maybe I looked a bit unpolished,
but the way that I felt was
not reflected in the way that I looked.
I looked a lot calmer and when you realize this,
you're actually gonna feel a lot calmer as well.
Number six.
Take deeper and slower breaths before
you go into an interaction where you're nervous.
Now, all of us know that our body language
is effected by the way that we're feeling
and by what we're thinking but this too is a two way street.
And by deliberately taking slower breaths,
breathing in more deeply,
these things can actually calm you down
and lower feelings of anxiety.
Similarly changing your posture,
what you do with your hands can literally make
you feel more confident and even choosing
to smile can release chemicals that make you feel happier.
So, realize that the brain body connection
is a two way street and you
can deliberately effect it positively in both ways.
Number seven.
Let the other person do most of the talking.
This is a great way to get over
that fear of having nothing to say
which is my biggest struggle when meeting new people,
especially when I'm in a context where
there's not a whole lot that I can go
off of to strike up a conversation
like I'm at a wedding or something
and I often feel like I don't have anything to say.
But what I've learned is that people love
to talk about themselves and their interests,
especially if you've demonstrated
that you're willing to listen and be engaged.
So, if you're worried that you're gonna have nothing
to say let them take the lead.
Listen actively, ask questions and if there
are opportunities for you to contribute, well, you can.
Finally, I wanna share a mantra
that I've tried to live by for a long time.
And interested person is an interesting person.
This applies not only to showing interest
in the other person during a conversation,
but also to the breadth and depth of your own interests.
If you spend time learning widely
then you'll be able to speak knowledgeably and passionately
about a lot of different things
and that makes it so much more likely
that you'll make a connection with anyone you meet.
And if you wanna star broadening your base
of knowledge in areas like nature and science and history,
check out CuriosityStream.
They have over 2400 high quality documentaries
and topics ranging from artificial intelligence
to fungi to the history behind Pompeii and lots lots more.
And you can stream all of these documentaries
to almost any device you want as
they have apps for iOS, Android, Roku and lots more.
And you can do it without paying a whole lot
since a subscription to CuriosityStream
is just $2.99 per month.
And if you're looking for a place to start,
I'd recommend David Attenborough's "Light On Earth"
which explores bioluminescence
and you can actually watch it for free
because if you go to the link in
the description down below and use
the code Thomas when you sign up,
you'll get a one month free trial.
Huge thanks as always goes out to CuriosityStream
for sponsoring this episode and being
a supporter of my channel and thank
you as well for watching.
If you enjoyed this episode maybe consider hittin'
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Of course, you can also grab a free copy of
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right there which might be relevant to you
since back to school is right around the corner.
Otherwise you can find a couple
of more videos on this channel right over here and here.
Thanks for watching and I will see you in the next one.
(gentle music)