- It was the dog's third birthday, which,
in dog years, doesn't matter!
(audience laughs)
Someone made that up, and we just went along with it.
"Oh, one year equals seven for doggies? Okay."
(audience laughs)
(audience cheers) (intense music)
(audience applauds) I love watching movies.
You ever rent a movie that was released a while ago,
and you enjoy it, but there's kinda that awkwardness,
'cause you can't talk about it with anyone?
You're like, "Hey, I just saw 'Heat.'"
(audience laughs)
"'Heat'? I saw that
six years ago!" (audience laughs)
"I wanna talk about it now."
(audience laughs)
"No, loser!"
(audience laughs)
You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book?
They're always so condescending.
"Yeah, the book was much better
than the movie." (audience laughs)
"Oh, really? What I enjoyed about the movie?
No reading.
(audience laughs and claps)
It only took two hours, and then I could take a nap."
I'm too lazy.
You ever read an article, and at the bottom,
it says, "Continued on Page Six?"
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "Not for me!
(audience laughs)
I'm done.
Why don't you stop bossing me around?"
(audience laughs)
Then I finally get to Page Six,
I can't even remember what I was reading.
(audience laughs)
You ever read the ending to a different article?
(audience laughs)
"Al Gore is running from a waterfall?"
(audience laughs)
You ever read a book that changed your life?
Me neither.
(audience laughs)
I don't have the attention span.
Every now and then, I'll read a book, I'll be so proud
of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation.
People are like, "Hey, Jim, how you doing?' "I read a book!
(audience laughs)
450 pages!"
"That's great, what was it about?"
"No idea!
(audience laughs)
Took me two years!"
You ever buy a book and not read it?
You feel almost guilty having it on a bookshelf, don't you?
People are like, "Hey, how was that book?"
"I haven't read it."
(audience laughs)
"Did you just buy it?"
"I've had it since high school."
(audience laughs)
"Well, can I borrow it?"
"No."
(audience laughs) (air whooshes)
I did figure out what type of doctor I would wanna be,
which is an anesthesiologist, 'cause just once,
I'd like to walk in a room and go,
"Hi, I'm Dr. Gaffigan.
I'm gonna give you some drugs so you can't talk or move,
(audience laughs)
and one of these strangers is gonna cut you open.
(audience laughs)
Good luck!"
(audience laughs)
What draws someone to anesthesiology?
It's like, "I like medicine,
but I really enjoy getting people high,
(audience laughs) so I can combine the two.
I also prefer to sit during surgery."
(audience laughs)
You ever see the anesthesiologist during surgery?
They're always sitting there like, (grumbles)
"I don't even know why I have to be here.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, they're still alive!
(audience laughs)
Anyone got the Wi-Fi password?"
(audience laughs)
But I have a newfound respect for doctors, I do.
'Cause when you think about it, unless we're sick,
we listen to absolutely nothing doctors tell us.
They're like, "You should lose weight."
"Never gonna happen.
(audience laughs)
What else you got?"
(audience laughs)
"You should exercise."
"Does eating French fries count?"
(audience laughs)
"Get out of my office."
(audience laughs)
I don't even listen when I bring my kids to the doctor.
(audience laughs)
The doctor's like, "To avoid an infection,"
I'm like, "Duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh
duh-duh-duh-duh." (audience laughs and claps)
My wife's like, "What'd the doctor say?"
"Don't pick the scab.
(audience laughs)
I don't listen to nerds!"
(audience laughs)
Those are the only times I would ever see a doctor,
is when I bring my kids in.
Sometimes I try and horn in on a pediatric appointment.
The doctor'll be like, "How's little Mikey doing?"
"Mikey's good, he's good.
He's a little worried about this mole I have
on my arm. (audience laughs)
Yeah, I explained to Mikey that I've always had the mole,
but Mikey thinks it might have changed colors."
(audience laughs)
"Jim, would you like to make an appointment."
"No, it's Mikey, he just needs a thumbs-up
or a thumbs-down on the mole.
I know Mikey doesn't wanna play the Hippocratic Oath card,
but you have to tell us, don't you?"
(audience laughs) (air whooshes)
And sharing a meal with someone, that's intimacy.
That's why it was called the Last Supper,
and not the Last Meeting, yeah?
Jesus was trying to get 12 other guys together,
you know, there had to be food there.
Jesus was like, "Tomorrow night
I wanna get everyone together."
You know there was one apostle who was like,
"Is there gonna be food there?"
(audience laughs)
"Yes, there'll be food."
"Are we talking appetizers
or entrees?" (audience laughs)
"It'll be a supper."
"So, casual. I can wear a robe?"
"You can wear a robe. I'll wear a robe if you wear a robe."
(audience laughs)
Jesus, He was in good shape, right?
Jesus was in amazing shape, especially considering
He could multiply bread whenever He wanted.
(audience laughs) Just like, boom,
pretzel bread, you know?
The Bible doesn't really specify what type of bread it was.
I imagine it was pretzel bread, right?
(audience laughs)
Like boom, pretzel bread, boom, garlic knots.
(audience laughs)
Like if right now, I multiply garlic knots up here,
you guys would be like, "Maybe he's God."
(audience laughs)
I know religion jokes make some people uncomfortable.
Especially the ones going to hell.
(audience laughs)
You ever get a phone call? That's annoying, right?
(audience laughs and claps)
You better be calling to tell me your hands are chopped off!
(audience laughs)
It's like, "I just wanted to hear your voice, Daddy."
(audience laughs)
"Buy my CD, right?"
(audience laughs) (air whooshes)
Recently I was invited to a surprise birthday party.
It was a surprise birthday party for a dog.
(audience laughs)
That's right! I have friends that are mentally ill!
(audience laughs)
I went, I went.
It was in my apartment building and I needed the material.
(audience laughs)
And to be fair, the dog was surprised.
(audience laughs)
Didn't suspect a thing.
Dog didn't know it was his birthday,
the dog didn't know it had a birthday.
(audience laughs)
The dog wasn't sure why people were in the apartment.
(audience laughs)
It was the dog's third birthday, which,
in dog years, doesn't matter!
(audience laughs)
Someone made that up, and we just went along with it.
"Oh, one year equals seven for doggies? Okay.
(audience laughs)
When I see a dog, I'll do math."
(audience laughs)
That's not fulfilling some dog need, you know?
There's not a dog sitting in a bar right now,
"I'm not three, I'm 21!
(audience laughs)
I can legally drink!"
(audience laughs)
That's not how dogs keep track of time!
If you have a dog, you know they don't keep track of time.
You've left your home, forgotten something,
walk back in, only to be greeted by your dog
like you've just returned from war.
(audience laughs) "You're back!
It's a miracle!
You're back after I don't know how long, 'cause I'm a dog!"
(audience laughs)
(audience cheers and claps) (intense music)