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- Hey, everybody.
Today I'm gonna talk about why we can
sometimes have a crush on our therapist,
and what that really means.
There are so many new people here in the community.
So, welcome to the channel.
Make sure that you are subscribed,
and have your notifications turned on,
because I release videos every Monday and Thursday,
and I don't want you to miss out.
But let's jump into today's topic.
I want you to know that it is never,
I repeat never, okay for a therapist
to hit on you, to make any moves,
or to do any kind of romantic advances.
It's actually against the law.
What they're really doing is abusing
the relationship that's built in therapy.
The intimacy that we can feel with our therapist,
they're abusing that.
And they're abusing their power.
And frankly, it makes me sick.
And if this has ever happened to you,
of it's happening to you now,
if you feel that your therapist is in any way,
making sexual advances towards you,
please report them, please.
They do not deserve to have their license.
They do not deserve to see other patients.
They're putting other people at risk, as well.
And they're just disgusting human beings.
So, please let people know it's not okay.
Now, that I've gotten that off of my chest,
I just had to let you know.
I wanted to make sure if you heard nothing else,
you knew that it was not okay.
But let's get into the real question:
Why do we sometimes have crushes on our therapist?
And the truth about it is that
it's called erotic transference.
And it's actually very, very common.
And I don't know if you remember my old
video about transference, but I'll link
it in the description.
But for now, just know, and I'm reading from my
notes to make sure I get it just right.
Just know that the definition of transference is,
where the feelings and desires, or expectations
of one person are directed and applied to another person.
Meaning, that if we had something that had
gone on with someone else, we're transferring it
onto someone in our life now.
So we're almost taking the past,
and making it our present.
Most commonly, transference refers to
a therapeutic setting, where a person in therapy
may apply certain feelings or emotions towards a therapist.
And so what that really means is that when
erotic transference is happening in therapy,
it means that we're transferring maybe,
some feelings or desires, and struggles
we may have had with intimacy in our lives
onto our therapist.
And we're using the term intimacy because
I don't mean, necessarily romantic intimacy,
or a need for, you know, having sex with someone.
I don't mean sexual connection, necessarily.
A lot of times, I'd say in my experience,
a majority, like a vast majority of the times,
it's really a transference of
connectivity that we didn't get.
This could be as a result of having an
emotionally absent mother or father.
One of my clients in particular, we found that
it came from the fact that she wished
that her mom and dad had just hugged her more,
rubbed her back, told her things were okay.
She really missed out on physical connection,
and physical touch from people who
are really important in her life.
Whatever happens to be causing it in our situation,
really just means that we didn't get something
that we needed in our past, in an
emotional and intimate way.
And often, we're getting that now in therapy.
And it can be really confusing,
because we don't really know what to do
with all of that support and love that we're feeling.
And so, we can often start to think,
and start to fantasize about our therapist,
or think that they are in love with us,
because we have never really experienced
that kind of relationship before.
And I say all of that just to let
you know that it's not weird.
Nothing's wrong with you.
This is very common, and just comes out of a
place of, maybe not having healthy, happy attachment
to others, or love and support from those in our lives.
And I know this is gonna sound really terrible,
but we're gonna move into kinda what you should do,
and the truth is, you should bring it up in therapy.
You should talk to your therapist.
Any therapist worth their salt, and is worth your time,
is gonna hear you out, and they're not gonna
take it in a way, where they're like, "Oh my God.
"No no no!"
They're gonna be able to communicate with you.
Understand that it's erotic transference, trust me.
We are, this is like, beat into our brains in school.
So, if they paid any attention, whenever they
went to school, they should know that this is common.
Transference overall, is extremely common.
And so they should be able to talk it out with you,
figure out what caused it.
What relationship made this happen?
Did we not get the love that we needed from our mom,
our father, our brother, our cousin,
our grandma, whoever was taking care of us?
What did we miss out on?
Did we not get enough hugs or love,
and we're feeling that support now?
Is it the emotional support that we get in therapy?
They can talk you through this, so you can
figure out what in your life created this need
that we now feel our therapist fills,
and why is it so confusing that we think
it needs to be romantic?
Overall, it's just important to bring it up,
because any good therapist is gonna talk
it through with you, identify what issues
caused it, and give you the time
that you need to process through it.
And lastly, I just wanna let you know
that things can progress past the point
of being able to work through them
with that particular therapist.
Meaning that if things have moved forward,
let's say we've made a move on our therapist,
we tried to grab their hand, or we keep insisting
they hug us, we tried to kiss them.
Things like that can happen.
Things can get confusing.
It's okay.
But know that if it has progressed past that point,
where either we feel uncomfortable talking about it
with that therapist, or the therapist themselves
feels like it's just a little bit too much,
and things have moved too far,
know that that's okay, too.
And I would ask for some referrals,
and start seeing someone else,
so that you have someone that you
can talk through what happened with.
It's really important that we bring it up in therapy.
It's really important that we talk about it in the
therapeutic setting, because like
I said, it's so very common.
But I just wanted to let you know, in case
you know, it has moved forward, it may not be appropriate
to work with your current therapist on it.
We may have to do it with someone else.
Just know that how you're feeling is okay.
It's completely normal.
The therapeutic relationship is so different
from anything else we've ever felt,
and that can be really confusing.
And know that you're not the only one,
nothing's wrong with you, and you're not weird.
The sooner we bring it up, and the sooner
we start talking about it, the better we start to feel,
and the more quickly we'll be able to identify
and heal that wound, that is really causing all of this.
So, bring it up, know that it's okay.
And again, know that it is never okay
for a therapist to hit on you.
There's even a pamphlet we're supposed to give out
that's like, you know, professional therapy
should never include sex.
And that is so true.
It's so wrong.
Please report them.
It's against the law.
But I hope you found this video helpful.
I got a lot of questions about this,
and it was actually kind of fun to talk about,
because I learned it in school, over,
and over, and over again.
This video has been brought to you by Kinions on Patreon.
If you would like to the creation
of these mental health videos,
click the link in the description, and check it out.
(R&B music) If you've ever had
this happen to you,
can you leave in the comments, and let us
know how you brought it up?
How'd you talk about it?
Was your therapist well equipped?
I always like to know what's going on in your life,
how you're progressing in your own therapy,
and leaving tips and tricks for other people
who may be going through something similar.
Thanks for watching, and I will see you next time.
Bye.