Dear me, first and foremost,
please get some sleep.
You are the only one responsible
for your own happiness.
Stop trying so hard to please your parents.
Stop trying so hard to be someone you're not.
Just be yourself and love yourself.
And stop trying to get people to like you.
Don't try to fit in.
You were born to stick out.
Don't cut your hair just because you have lice.
It's okay to experiment, but be mindful.
Be confident, because that's really one of the only things
that people actually notice.
Ignore them.
Those are #DearMe videos,
where grownups give advice to their teenage selves,
because they don't understand
how the space-time continuum works.
What is this,
Check the mailbox;
see if there's any letters from the future.
They asked me to participate,
and since kids love stupid inspirational crap, I agreed.
But, apparently, they edited me out.
[laughs]
Lucky for you, I went back in time
and got my hands on an earlier version.
Dear me, look how awesome your life turns out.
Screw saving money.
Just keep doing you, buddy.
Junior high, it can be a rough place.
Don't get too attached to Devin.
He will die in a gruesome car accident real soon.
A lot of the friends you thought were your friends, they're not.
Do not sweat any pregnancy scares.
I don't know how you do it,
but you dodge bullets, baby.
When you recover from anorex--
When you're in Dallas,
stay away from a dessert called the Pizookie,
unless you feel like telling a story
about [bleep] your pants in a hotel lobby
for the rest of your life.
Having your period is the worst thing in--
Basically, from the age of 18 on,
I need you to keep toilet paper, wet naps,
a full change of clothes,
and shoes in the car.
You do survive--
Find a kid named Mark Zuckerberg
and murder him.
You will be doing the world a huge favor.
And also tell your family about any pain--
All right, one day, the Dolphins
are gonna have to decide between Drew Brees
and Daunte Culpepper.
I'm gonna need you to convince them
his shoulder will be fine
and they should go with Drew Brees.
God, you had such a big crush on--
If a certain ballerina catches your eye
during a performance of
Do not go backstage to meet her.
That's a life sentence you will quietly regret
until death do you part.
So save yourself the drama
and a lot of time and just go to the--
Snowpiercer.
I cannot stress this enough.
Do not watch that movie.
It is horrible.
If you're 13 right now,
you're going to have a pretty difficult--
You're gonna be in New York in 2001
just killing it on Letterman.
Congrats.
I need you to stick around an extra week
and see if you can stop a little something called 9/11.
Good luck.
You push the people that--
Just focus on the clitty.
I remember not feeling black--
Y2K is real.
You will need months of clean water, all right?
A secure bunker, heavy artillery.
Trust no one.
The first kill is gonna be difficult,
but just keep shooting.
If that helps one dirtbag teenager in Titusville, Florida,
then it was worth it.