Hello brains!
This is episode 2 of a vlog series that I'm shooting
about the journey of turning my emotional support dog Chloe
into a psychiatric service dog for my ADHD and anxiety.
I expected this vlog to just be about that journey but it turns out there's a—
there's another journey that I'm going to be talking about as well, which is the journey of processing grief.
[INTRO MUSIC]
Before I get into this vlog, I just wanted to thank everyone who was so kind and commented on the last vlog.
I read the comments and they really meant a lot to me.
Everybody's just been so understanding about the fact that this series,
that was supposed to be about training of a service dog, is now also about grief.
Sometimes life has a split narrative, there's more than one thing going on at once,
and you can't honestly portray one thing that you're going through without the other
because they influence each other.
Training up Chloe is gonna take on a very different color for me because
I'm also coping with grief.
And I decided to share that part of my journey too because it's an opportunity to not just talk about,
but actually show how grief can affect ADHD, and also I know a lot of people
are going through some kind of loss right now.
Job loss, losing their housing, losing loved ones,
or dealing with the very real possibility of losing loved ones, either to COVID-19, or for other reasons,
but the fact that it's happening in the middle of a pandemic makes everything so much harder.
Because the pandemic wasn't handled effectively in the U.S. and rates are still increasing
my friend can't visit her dad at the hospital.
Until we get this pandemic under control, we can't have a service for my mom.
Depression rates are increasing.
I don't know the actual statistics on this but I'm pretty sure people aren't getting enough hugs.
Grief can come with any kind of loss
and grief on top of ADHD, during a pandemic, while social distancing, can be a lot.
It can be really hard on our mental health. I'm hoping that sharing my journey and how I'm getting through it,
and the stuff that you share in the comments about your own journeys, will help.
Back to the vlog.
Right as I was finishing up filming the last vlog, I got the news that my mom died unexpectedly.
She wasn't sick, she had just gone to go help my sister and her family for a few weeks.
This was completely unexpected.
I am at my mom's house which means...
Yaaaaaay~! [LAUGHTER]
It still feels really weird to say that—
it's still really hard accepting that she's actually gone.
I wanted to get a brownie because I wanted to bring my mom a brownie,
and I had to remind myself I can't— I can't bring my mom a brownie. That's not—
It's not a thing anymore.
I'm still really confused about all this. Had to fly down to LA to take care of her things.
I knew I needed to bring Chloe with me and I had to make a decision.
She can fly with me as an emotional support animal, or she can fly with me as a service dog.
And I decided to get her a vest that said service dog and training.
I don't know if this is just me trying to create meaning
out of a really tragic situation, but in a way, it felt like a sign that this was one more way
that my mom was looking out for me by saying, "yeah you know if you're on the fence about
whether or not you need that support, here's a reason to to get that support".
And so that's the sense that I'm making of it is that, that was my mom looking out for me.
JESSICA: Love you mom.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
One of the things that I wanted to share is some advice that I got from a friend
who went through something like this earlier this year.
And the three rules of grief that she gave me were these:
One: forgive yourself for everything. A week ago today if I wanted to talk to my mom
I just had to pick up my phone and text her,
and I didn't because I thought I had time.
My ADHD is turned up to 11 right now. apparently grief brain is a thing.
Over the course of 12 hours, I was texting somebody that I thought was my brother and was not my brother.
I keep getting emails about things, and realized I dropped the ball on things,
and one of them was promoting a conference.
Okay I genuinely don't remember. I genuinely can't remember how to do this stitch right now.
I've done this entire blanket so far.
I'm really— really glad that she told me that
because I was not prepared for the amount of things that I was going to feel guilty for.
What did Raff say? RAFF: What's rule number one?
Rule number one is forgive yourself for everything. I'm gonna drop some balls right now,
and I'm gonna try and be okay with that.
Rule two is: operate on your own timeline.
People are going to rush you or try to slow you down. Go at your own pace.
[CLICK] [DOOR SLIDES]
JESSICA: I just want to walk around my mom's house one last time as she left it.
My aunt and sister are gonna come in a week and start going through stuff and disassembling my mom's life I guess.
This is the backyard I helped build for her. I helped design it with the fire pit in the middle.
People are helping me process. People are helping me tell a story of what happened
and what I'm going through, and I think that's so much of getting through grief is
telling yourself the story that helps you heal.
The jacuzzi— she loved it out here.
I got this pergola with her and I hung those lights and I replaced them when they burnt out...
Part of your life story is your parents, right? Like part— a big part of my life story was like,
"Oh, I have this mom and she's, you know, she's a retired special ed teacher, and yeah she got in this accident she's in a lot of pain—"
This is my mom's old moto scooter. When we went bike riding as a kid,
she had a physical disability, and so she couldn't ride a bike, so she rode a moto scooter.
And as I got older I took over the motor scooter. I started riding it to school and stuff, and uh...
it got stolen one day, and I never thought I'd see it again.
They don't all have to be done at once, so slow down take your time.
I think that applies to grief too. Grieve on your own timeline.
As her story came to an end, my story changed.
I told my boyfriend like, I'm not a daughter anymore,
My dad's already gone and my mom's gone too. I'm not— I'm nobody's daughter.
JO [ON PHONE]: You will always be your parents daughter. that relationship is still that relationship.
JO: I mean she's not here physically but she's still your mother, and your father is still your father even though he's not here.
JO: he's been gone for a long time but that's still your father. JESSICA: [CRYING] Yeah.
You lose somebody that close to you and it affects you. it isn't just the end of their story, their story is intertwined with yours,
and so it changes your story too.
My mom always did her best to make the best of a bad situation.
She was really good at that, and just looking around this yard, seeing all the beauty that she created—
It was nothing but dirt back here when she moved in.
Wherever my mom went she made things better.
I hope wherever she is now she's making that better too.
And the third rule is: Ask for what you need
even if that's to have everybody go away so you can introvert in cocoon.
Like, I think usually I try to make sure that my relationships are somewhat, like, reciprocal, like, you know, you do this for me,
like, I'll do this for you, and right now it very much feels like my relationships are not equal.
Like, I'm leaning on people a lot, and I'm really grateful that I can.
At first when I found out about my mom I thought that maybe Chloe being an emotional support animal
would be enough, because she is already incredibly emotionally supportive and and this is just an emotional thing right?
But my ADHD is just so bad right now, like, I genuinely need help to remember to do things,
and if there's a way that I can train Chloe to help me with things that I'm struggling with right now, it—
it might be a more important time than ever to do that.
It felt like I was headed toward a panic attack and Chloe came and laid on me, and it didn't happen, and I'm really grateful for that.
[JESSICA SNIFFLES]
I gotta figure out how to teach her to do this.
Okay, I think I've found the most comforting thing in the world.
I'm just laying on my side and Chloe's just cuddled up right next to me.
There's something about having her head on me, like, when she puts her little head on me it's— it's really soothing.
Almost like no matter what else is going on in the world, that's all I can feel—
That's all— like my entire existence is just in her little head on— on my side or on my hand or whatever.
Hi Chloe. What are you doing?
Oh good girl!
So I just talked to my doctor over zoom, and I caught him up on everything that's going on,
and talked to him about my ADHD being worse right now, my anxiety being worse...
Basically that my biggest concern right now is losing sight of my goals, and I told them
one of the goals was to turn my emotional support animal— and train her into a service dog.
Hi.
I need you. Stay with me. — And that I was kind of on the fence about it.
I wasn't sure if I needed that support. I explained to him, "You know I'm high functioning.
I know my brother needs one, but I don't know if I need one." and he interrupted me and he said,
"I will write you a letter right now that says you need a service dog."
And I just lost it. I just started crying because,
I don't know if anybody's ever given me permission to get the support that I need.
I've always felt my whole life like, I'm doing well enough that I shouldn't need this.
That I shouldn't get this extra level of support because there are people who need it more than I do.
And it is just so misunderstood in society, like how much it affects us, that I think that
we kind of internalize that to some degree, where it's like, "Yeah, it doesn't feel like we need support."
It feels like we should just be able to do it without.
And this is really emotional for me,
because I'm dealing with all this family stuff, and growing up with my family, my needs just didn't feel important.
[CALM MUSIC]
"Dear Jessica and agency authorizing service dogs, I am a board certified psychiatrist.
Jessica McCabe is a patient of mine.
This email is to document the medical necessity of Jessica's having a service dog.
Her current dog, Chloe, would make a perfect service dog, given training.
The reason Jessica needs this help is that she has ADHD, generalized anxiety,
and she's coping with the sudden death of her mother.
Please contact me with any questions or concerns."
[SNIFF]
I don't know why it made such a difference but just like, getting that from my doctor saying
no this is not something, like, you don't need, and you're taking but you shouldn't have,
like, this is a medical necessity for you right now.
It's just really—
It's really powerful. [SNIFF]
It's validating.
This news was really out of nowhere, and I fell apart,
and one of the things that helped me get through the worst of it, was Chloe.
She has been incredibly comforting to me this entire time,
and so I am gonna move forward with this, and see what's possible.
What— what Chloe can help me with, if she can help me remember to take my meds, or
on the days when I'm— I'm having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning because it feels like, what's the point?
Um—
I think she can help with that,
and I've been working with her, and she's doing really good so far.
And when I get back to Seattle, I'll try and find a trainer
that can work with me and— and Chloe up there.
I think that's it for now.
Thanks for watching.
Bye Brains.
[CAMERA SHUFFLE]
[OUTRO MUSIC]